The role of mothers in fatherhood is a complex subject. This research brief unpacks some of the key issues to examine fatherhood through the lens of mothers; mothers’ shared responsibility for still-traditional gender roles in parenting; and the critical influence of the mother-father relationship on the type of father a man becomes to his child.
He Says, She Says
Research shows that mothers and fathers often have divergent accounts of fatherhood. While some parental disagreement on fatherhood is expected, it also illuminates the potential influence of conflicting perspectives on how fathers assume their parenting roles and how mothers support their partners in the journey of fatherhood.
Fathers and mothers are most likely to disagree on how much time fathers spend with their children.
In Mikelson’s 2008 study of 2,058 matched pairs of parents with three-year old children, all fathers and mothers were asked how many days in a typical week the father:
- sings songs or nursery rhymes with the child
- lets the child help with simple chores
- plays imaginary games with the child
- reads stories to the child
- tells stories to the child
- plays inside (indoors) with toys such as blocks or legos with the child
- tells the child he appreciates something he or she did
- takes the child to visit relatives
- goes to a restaurant with the child
- assists the child with eating; and
- puts the child to bed
The study found that fathers report spending 17.6% more time engaged in 11 activities with their young children than mothers report.
While fathers reported more time for all activities, the largest father-mother discrepancies were for caregiving responsibilities such as assisting the child with eating and putting the child to bed. Social activities or play such as singing songs and going to a restaurant with the child had the smallest discrepancies.
A 2009 American study surveyed 1,533 mothers with at least one child in the home under the age of 18, on their attitudes towards fatherhood. Many of the questions posed were asked of fathers in a similar Pop’s Culture survey in 2006.
The starkest difference between mums’ and dads’ responses was in reports of the fathers’ time spent with their children. Not surprisingly, the gap was largest when the mother and father lived apart.
For example, mothers tended to point to non-resident fathers’ lack of skills to explain their parenting challenges, while non-resident fathers ranked factors external to themselves such as “resistance” or “lack of encouragement from child’s mother” as the biggest obstacle to good fathering.
Mums Are Often the “Gateway” to Fatherhood
While areas of mother-father disagreement may indicate where fathers can co-parent more actively, research also reveals the powerful influence of maternal gatekeeping – a mother’s beliefs and behaviours regarding fathers.
There are three dimensions to maternal gatekeeping:
- A mother’s reluctance to relinquish responsibility for family matters by setting rigid standards – Some women discourage their husbands’ involvement by redoing tasks, criticising, or creating unbending standards. One clear example is when wives organise, delegate, and oversee the work done by husbands in order to maintain responsibility for the day-to-day aspects of family work. Their husbands, then, act as helpers by doing what is requested. But this pattern may encourage fathers to wait until they are asked to help and to request explicit directions.
- The need for external validation of one’s mothering identity. Some women may define their identity in terms of how well they think others view their homemaking and nurturing skills. A woman with this belief is more likely to resist her husband’s involvement since it would diminish her value.
- Traditional conceptions of family roles – This may occur when a mother, who thinks family work is primarily for women, is hesitant to encourage the father’s involvement, leading to differentiated roles for mothers and fathers at home.
Allen and Hawkins (1999) found that 20 to 25 percent of wives in dual-income families could be classified as “gatekeepers”. Other studies show that many mothers, both married and single, are not always wholly positive about fathers’ active involvement with their children.
Even within satisfactory marriages, fathers’ involvement with their (especially young) children often depends on mothers’ attitudes towards, expectations of, and support for fathers.
In fact, mothers’ attitudes more strongly predict fathers’ involvement than the beliefs of fathers themselves, though the latter is important too. While a mother’s criticism can discourage active fatherhood, her encouragement is a more critical influence on father involvement.
“The best gift a father can give to his child is to love the child’s mother”
Not surprisingly, a mother’s orientations towards fatherhood and the father’s role as a parent are tightly bound together with the quality of her relationship with the father.
While a good couple relationship is a two-way street, research backs the old adage that “the best gift a father can give to his child is to love the child’s mother”. Men appear to see the role of being a father and a husband as a “package deal”. When the couple relationship is positive, fathers are:
- More responsive, affectionate, and confident with their infants, more self-controlled in dealing with defiant toddlers, and better confidants for teenagers seeking advice and emotional support
- More involved in child care responsibilities
- Closer to their children
- More likely to feel competent in and satisfied with their parenting roles
Conversely, husbands who display anger, show contempt for, or who stonewall their wives (i.e., give them “the silent treatment”) are more likely to have children who are anxious, withdrawn, or antisocial.
Non-resident fathers who maintain a positive relationship with their child’s mother are likewise more likely to remain involved in their child’s life. For example, sustained and successful co-parenting is more likely to occur after a divorce if the father is able to secure his ex-spouse’s support for his parenting role and performance.
In fact, the benefits of non-resident father involvement for children are more likely to materialise when the inter-parental relationship is positive. For example, greater non-residential father involvement, as measured by frequency of contacts, was associated with less school problem behaviour in boys, but only in the presence of low inter-parental conflict.
Conclusion
Research confirms what we already intuitively know: mothers matter in fatherhood. Understanding how mothers view and shape fatherhood may offer deeper insight into how they can be engaged and supported as critical partners for successful fathering.
References:
1. Seltzer, J. A., Brandreth, Y. (1994). What fathers say about involvement with children after separation. Journal of Family Issues, 15, 49 – 77; Coley, R. L., & Morris, J. E. (2002). Comparing father and mother reports of father involvement among low-income minority families. Journal of Marriage and Family, 64, 982 – 997; Mikelson, K (2008). He said, she said: comparing mother and father reports of father involvement. Journal of Marriage and Family, 70, 613–624
3. National Fatherhood Initiative (2009). Mama Says: A National Survey of Mothers’ Attitudes on Fathering http://www.fatherhood.org/mamasays/
4. National Fatherhood Initiative (2006). Pop’s Culture: A National Survey of Dads’ Attitudes on Fathering.
5. Allen, S. & Hawkins, A. (1999). Mothers’ beliefs and behaviors that inhibit greater father involvement in family. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 61, 199-212.
6. Allen, S. & Hawkins, A. (1999).
7. Baruch & Barnett, 1986; Cowan & Cowan, 1987, as cited in Doherty, W. J., Kouneski, E. F., & Erickson, M. F. (1998). Responsible fathering: An overview and conceptual framework. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 60, 277-292.
8. De Luccie, 1995; Simons, Whitbeck, Congar, & Melby, 1990, as cited in Doherty, W. J., Kouneski, E. F., & Erickson, M. F. (1998).
9. Schoppe-Sullivan, S. J., Brown, G. L., Cannon, E. A., Mangelsdorf, S. C., & Szewczyk-Sokolowski, M. (2008). Maternal gatekeeping, coparenting quality, and fathering behavior in families with infants. Journal of Family Psychology, 22, 389-398.
10. Townsend, Nicholas W. (2002). The Package deal: Marriage, work and fatherhood in men’s lives. Philadelphia: Temple University Press.
11. Cummings, E. M., & O’Reilly, A. (1997). Fathers in family context: Effects of marital quality on child adjustment. In M. E. Lamb (Ed.), The role of the father in child development. (3rd ed., pp. 49-65). New York: John Wiley & Sons.
12. Bouchard, G., & Lee, C. M. (2000). The marital context for father involvement with their preschool children: The role of partner support. Journal of Prevention & Intervention in the Community, 20, 37-53; Harris, K. M., & Morgan, S. P. (1991). Fathers, sons, and daughters: Differential paternal involvement in parenting. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 53, 531-544; McBride, B.A., & Mills, G. (1993). A comparison of mother and father involvement with their preschool age children. Early Childhood Research Quarterly, 8,457-477.
13. Doherty, W. J., Kouneski, E. F., & Erickson, M. F. (1998); Levy-Schiff, R., & Israelaschivili, R. (1988). Antecedents of fathering: Some further exploration. Developmental Psychology, 24, 434-440.
14. Bouchard, G., & Lee, C. M. (2000).
15. Gable, S., Crnic, K., & Belsky, J. (1994). Co-parenting within the family system: Influences on children’s development. Family Relations, 43(4), 380–386.
16. Coley, R.L., & Chase-Lansdale, P.L. (1998). Adolescent pregnancy and parenthood: Recent evidence and future directions. American Psychologist: 53, 152–166.
17. Madden-Derdich, D.A. & Leonard, S.A. (2002). Shared experiences, unique realities: Formerly married mothers’ and fathers’ perceptions of parenting and custody after divorce. Family Relations, 37-45.
18. Amato and Rezac, 1994, as cited in as cited in Doherty, W. J., Kouneski, E. F., & Erickson, M. F. (1998).
About the Author: The Dad sfor Life Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.
First published on 23-05-2011.