Begin with the end in mind – Build a strong foundation

Is fatherhood all just about dollars and cents?  Certainly there will be more expenditure with one more mouth to feed. The key elements to the journey of fatherhood are your relationship with your wife and your fathering mindset.

The instruction to air travellers in an emergency situation is that you first put on the oxygen mask for yourself before helping your child. If you are disorientated, you will not only endanger yourself but you will also cause harm to your child.

Similarly, make sure there is stability in your relationship with your wife before you start a family. Your child deserves a home where there is love and understanding.

James Dobson, a veteran psychologist, writing for Focus on the Family, said that the best gift you can offer to your child is to love his mother.

A young man who waited a few years before having his first child has this advice for those considering starting a family:

Herman from Nias, Indonesia, a first-time father @ 28

“My tip to all would-be fathers is not to rush into it. Make sure you have time to build a strong relationship with your wife first. With this stable bond between the two of you, you will then be in a better position to face the new challenges that come with a baby.”

How does having a fathering mindset impact on raising a child? What are your values?

One of Stephen Covey’s principles for effective living is “Begin with the end in mind”.  Young people complain of parents who are hypocrites, not walking their talk and stressing them with unreasonable demands. Why is there this alienation between adults and teens?

More often than not, they don’t spend enough time to communicate and understand one another’s needs and concerns. One teenager described communication with her parent as “Third world war erupting” and preferred to hide in her room to avoid such unpleasantness. Family time is no longer valued and most spare time is expended on the paper or money chase.

What kind of values do you want to model for your child? If you want him to be reasonable and calm in crises, you will need to show him how. If you want him to be helpful around people, you would do the same.

If you want him to respect his elders, you would have to be respectful. I have seen too many disillusioned youths who rebelled because they felt that adults who disciplined them had double standards.

A person embarking on a journey to a new destination can best enjoy the experience if he plans ahead and knows the outcomes he wants. He will need to manage his resources, communicate his wants and needs to the travel agency, read up on special holiday spots so that he can return home with good memorable experiences to share with the family.

Ban Hui, a first-time father @ 28, says

“My wife and I were mentally and emotionally prepared. Communication with my wife was important. I took care of practically every need of my wife during the pregnancy. After the baby came, I was also in charge of the feeds as well as the wellbeing of my wife. My job gave me the flexibility to have the time and I adjusted accordingly.  I feel it’s a natural instinct to protect and nurture those you love”.

What adjustments will you make?

Having the fathering mindset means you are prepared to make adjustments to suit the needs of both your wife and your child. You may not know everything and you may make mistakes but you are willing to learn. Everyone embarking on a new journey faces uncertainties, so do not be discouraged. Just be prepared!

You share with your wife the joys and even the pains and frustrations of nurturing a growing and thinking human being that both of you brought into this world. Support your wife, taking turns to recharge.

Make adjustments to your time and commitments. The arrival of your baby will mean you need to organise your time to include both your baby and your wife. Yes, you also need to set aside time for your wife, without baby. When you strengthen your marriage bond, you are better able to model what is good and acceptable for your child.

“Begin with the end in mind” as you picture that loving teenager who is able to manage stress, confident of your love and support of him.

About The Author: Mrs Maureen Ng, vice Chairman of EMCC (Eagles Mediation & Counselling Centre), is happily married with twin adult daughters and four young grandchildren. Having a supportive husband was how she managed the daily challenges as a young busy mother of twins at the age of 24. Her rich experience in counselling youths at risk during her six-year tenure as principal of a junior college gave her deep insights into the importance of good fathering in shaping and impacting a child’s life during their early years.

EMCC is a not-for-profit organisation that is committed towards building a society that fosters and maintains positive and supportive relationships through the promulgation of peacemaking. Established in 1997, EMCC became a full member of the National Council of Social Service (NCSS) in 2000 and is today an approved Institute of Public Character (IPC). It is the only charity in Singapore with the expertise to provide integrative services in mediation and counselling.

Website: www.emcc.org.sg

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