In Singapore, the number of families where both parents work has been steadily increasing. Grandparents often function as trusted primary care-givers when parents are away at work.

Due to family traditions emphasising closely-knit ties and family-centred values, as well as established government efforts to promote grandparenting as part of “active aging”^[i], grandparents have generally been very supportive in providing care for their grandchildren when necessary.

The importance of grandparents in care-giving is well-recognised and encouraged by public policy, where working mothers can claim the 'Grandparent Caregiver' tax relief^[ii].

Benefits of Active Grandparenting

There are many benefits your child can gain from the active involvement of his or her grandparents. Intergenerational family experiences in a stable and consistent environment can be intellectually enriching, beyond the support that it offers to parents.

A recent study conducted in Australia revealed that children aged from 3 to 19 months had higher learning scores if they were cared for by family and friends -- including grandparents -- as well as their parents^[iii].

Grandparents bring with them a wealth of knowledge and experience, which can contribute to the cognitive development of your child.  Furthermore, in a fast modernising world, grandparents are your children's connection to the family history.

Grandparents from both sides can be instrumental in socialising your child with traditional values and culture. According to another study, nine out of 10 post-adolescent grandchildren say their grandparents have strongly influenced their behaviour and values^[iv].

Challenges in Working with Grandparents

Despite these benefits, grandparents’ well-meaning actions may at times contradict your chosen methods in nurturing your child. Grandparents are often doting on their grandchildren, and may give in to their excessive wants.

Due to their strong emotional attachment to their grandchildren, grandparents may be less strict in enforcing discipline when necessary. This could lead to negative behavioural development in your children and contribute to stress and conflict in the family.

As a father, recognise that it is you and Mum, and not your parents or in-laws who are primarily responsible for your child’s development. It is therefore important for you to ensure that the grandparents are aligned to the choices that you and your wife have made in deciding how your child should be raised.

This can be challenging as parents and grandparents may have different parenting styles. In Asian cultures, there is a tendency to wish to avoid conflict or demonstrate respect by deferring to your parents or in-laws. In such instances, however, setting clear boundaries and communicating effectively with the grandparents from the outset can help prevent conflict.

Set Clear Boundaries and Consequences

The first step before entrusting your child to his or her grandparents is to set clear boundaries that are understood by all three generations. These boundaries may include the types and frequencies of meals and treats and time spent reading, playing games or watching television.

Inform your child of the disciplinary consequences of misbehaviour and ensure that your parents or in-laws follow through in disciplining your child when necessary. The enforcement of boundaries by grandparents is critical in instilling self-control and self-discipline in your child.

Setting clear boundaries creates a consistent and stable environment for your child to grow and develop while being cared for by his or her grandparents.

Open and Honest Communication with Grandparents

Despite setting clear boundaries it is inevitable that you may sometimes be required to intervene when boundaries are crossed. Remember that communication is key to achieving a constructive outcome. Choose your words wisely, taking care not to hurt your well-meaning parents or in-laws.

Be sure to emphasise that you value their contribution in nurturing your child and be honest in communicating how important it is to you, as parents, to enforce your authority while complementing the special bond between your child and them^[v].

Listen to what your parents or in-laws have to offer and try to find common ground that could benefit your child. The strong foundation you build with them will strengthen the nurturing environment for your child.

It is paramount that such communication be conducted in private and away from your child. If you do it in front of your child, it could lead to added stress for grandparents, undermine their authority and potentially force your child to divide his or her loyalties between parents and grandparents^[vi].  This creates an environment that will have negative effects on your child's development.

Maintain a Healthy Lifestyle

As a father with ageing parents you may increasingly find yourself juggling parenting responsibilities with filial responsibilities. You may face conflicting demands and pressure on your time to nurture and develop your young child while caring for your ageing parents. This could potentially be a stressful period for you.

Therefore, it is important to maintain a healthy lifestyle through a balanced diet and regular exercise to avoid burn-out when executing your multiple roles and to be able to provide for your family.

Conclusion

Through your active involvement in fathering and by encouraging and reinforcing support from grandparents, you can create the necessary conditions for your child to grow in a happy, healthy and stable inter-generational family environment.

References:

[i]     Chan Soo Sen (2004, 29 May) Speech at Official Launch of Grandparenting with Confidence Seminar, Retrieved on 08 Feb 2010

[ii]    Grandparent Caregiver Relief (2010, 14 Jan) retrieved on 08 Feb 2010

[iii]   Miral Fahmy (2008, 30 Sep) Grandparents boost kids' development: Aussie Study retrieved on 07 Feb 2010

[iv]   Goodman and Silverstein (2001) Grandmothers Who Parent Their Grandchildren: An Exploratory Study of Close Relations. Journal of Family Issues, 22: 557-578

[v]    Grandparents and the New Baby retrieved on 06 Feb 2010

[vi]   Goodman and Silverstein (2001) Grandmothers Who Parent Their Grandchildren: An Exploratory Study of Close Relations. Journal of Family Issues, 22: 557-578