Making a Mark, Cementing Relationships

Stroll on to the grounds of the Botanical Gardens in Singapore to admire beautiful patterns on the pavement leading from the visitors’ drop off point near the main entrance, to a small koi pond just beyond. These patterns beneath your feet were created by placing leaves on wet cement.

So picturesque are the Gardens that it is a popular place for families to spend time together. And that is great because studies show that children with involved and caring fathers are on the whole more secure, trusting, confident, adaptable and sociable. ⁽¹⁾ Such children show greater self-control and are more able to take initiative. ⁽²⁾

You A.R.E. a Dad

That said, an acronym may help fathers consider how to make a mark in their children's lives.

Fathers, simply A.R.E. dads! What matters is that they make a choice to be Accessible, Responsible and Engaged.

• A-Accessible

Accessible dads are involved in their children's lives by being available, whether interacting directly or otherwise with the kids.

Here are some practical ways to be a more accessible dad:

1. Grab every opportunity to eat with your child. The joy of sharing a meal cannot be over-emphasised, especially in the Asian culture where love is often expressed through nourishment.

2. Set aside some 'special' time daily -even if it is 15 minutes- to spend with each child. And refrain from picking up your handphone if it rings

3. On the other hand -as far as possible- pick up your phone when your child calls you.

Though unconventional, Josh McDowell⁽³⁾, keynote speaker at the inaugural DadsforLife Conference 2010, shared that he once picked up a call on his mobile phone from his daughter, even though he was in the middle of giving a talk, because he knew she had something important to share.

• R-Responsible

Responsible dads attend to their children’s needs for guardianship and care. In other words, such dads are keenly aware of their roles as provider, protector and simply the person to love the children.

Here are some practical ways to be a more responsible dad:

1. Provide for your children financially. Be engaged in paid work so that you can take on or contribute to household expenses. This is unless there are health reasons or you have made a joint decision with your wife that you, as a dad, will be the main caregiver.

2. Encourage safe and secure relationships children's lives. For younger children, ensure that the caregiving arrangement is stable, predictable and allows for a growing sense of security. For older children, listen carefully when they talk about activities with their friends.

3. Find a way to express your love. Tell them you care about them by saying it or doing something with them. There is wisdom in what John Crudele once said: Kids Spell 'love' as T-I-M-E.

Dr Eliza Lian-Ding in her book Why Your Children Love You says that each child has a built-in need for his parents' love. ⁽⁴⁾ Dads who nurture that relational need, have strong bonds with their children, and can influence their children in the direction that is good for them.

She said: "We want to leave such a deep impression on them (the children) that they will always be guided by wisdom when they make decisions whether we are physically present with them or not."

• E-Engaged

Engaged dads bond with their children through caregiving and shared activities.

Here are some practical ways to be a more engaged dad:

1. Help with caregiving tasks from the time they are born. The physical, emotional, and psychological attention you give your children will make you more aware of their needs.

2. Be concerned about his life at school. Your wife will appreciate you for this, and your child will know you are concerned about him. Local panelist at the DadsforLife Conference 2010, Hassan Bin Salleh, Assistant Vice President, RIA 89.7 FM became more aware about how his child is doing in school as he communicated with the teacher via text messages on the handphone.  ⁽⁵⁾

3. Share a hobby. Another DadsforLife Conference 2010 local panelist, Mediacorp Gold 90.5 Radio DJ Brian Richmond shared about how he has bonded with his sons, now 39 and 35, since they were young. ⁽⁶⁾

He said, "...We have a common language, even till today whether it's [about] music or sports, there's always something to talk about."

With regards to being engaged with one’s children, Philip Ang, Life Coach and Therapist said, "Researchers have found  that children seem to develop the best social skills when their dad keeps the tone of their interaction positive and allow the kids to take part in directing the course of play."

At the same time, engaging children do not necessarily mean play time or specially designed activities only. Dads can also connect with their children in the mundane tasks, and even while disciplining.

For example, dads can create opportunities for them to help him in small manageable tasks -young children feel proud that they can do something for their dad.

He added, "There will be times where difficulties and conflicts may abound. In such situations, it is important that Dads still engage their children on an emotional level."

According to Mr Ang, it is important is to create a positive experience through an emotional connection. And a positive experience does not always mean a pleasant or happy experience.

As a parting shot, Mr Ang pointed out, "Your children long to hear your laughter and to see your energy. These will become precious memories that they will remember."

Dads, On Your Mark, Get Set, Go

In a world racing at every direction, dads are picking up the pace to make a mark in their children's lives, instilling in them a sense of self worth. Sometimes, this even leads their own sons to make a mark in the lives of others, and as the story of Marcus Quek (below) shows us, its never too early to start.

To Captain an Aircraft Carrier

by Shirley Tan

How Marcus' dream to be the captain of an aircraft carrier was nurtured by his dedicated dad, Edmund Quek. (story as told by Marcus' mum)

My five-and-a-half year-old son Marcus told us he wanted to be the Captain of an aircraft carrier when he grew up.

The daddy informed him that there are no aircraft carriers in the Singapore Navy.

"How can I be a captain of an aircraft carrier if there is not even one in the first place?" asked the disappointed boy.

The daddy gently suggested that the boy take action to make his dreams come true. At first, there was a little reluctance and uncertainty.

"Huh? How? What...?"

After lots of questions and a little research on the Internet, it was decided that the boy would write a letter to the Singapore Navy, addressed to the Chief of Singapore Navy.

And so he did.

He wrote a very personal letter to Rear Admiral Chew and even drew a cute little picture to accompany his letter.

The letter to RAdm Chew	Perhaps someday Singapore will have its own aircraft carrier. The RSS...?

 

We posted the letter in good faith and congratulated the little boy for his initiative. I remember joking that it would be so funny if we received a reply.

A few weeks later, we received a package in our mailbox! With the letter came a big wall poster and tickets for a ship cruise and frigate tour at the Navy Open House 2010.

We learnt later that the public had to ballot for the privileged few tickets, so we were very delighted with ours.

 

Edmund Quek with his two sons, Nicholas and Marcus.	Marcus and Nicholas proudly standing in front of two Bedok-class anti-mine vessels

 

This story first appeared as http://domesticgoddess-ourworldmyworld.blogspot.com/2010/06/navy-open-house-2010.html.

 

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References:

1. http://firstthings.org/page/resource-center/fathers/the-importance-of-positive-male-role-models retrieved 21 June 2010

2. MCYS (November 2009), The Difference a Dad Makes –What Does International Research Say? MCYS, Singapore

3. Josh Mcdowell, Keynote Address, Inaugural DadsforLife Conference 14 May 2010

4. Lian-Ding, Eliza, Ph.D, (2009) Why Your Children Love You ...and What They Want Most from Parents, Armour Publishing, Singapore

5. The DadsforLife Resource Team (May, 2010), Highlights from Local Panelists at DadsforLife Conference, retrieved 22 June 2010

6. Hassan Bin Salleh, Local Panel Discussion, Inaugural DadsforLife Conference, 14 May 2010

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About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.

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