Editor’s note: In  Tips for Mentoring Boys into Men of Courage and Compassion (Part One), Barry Macdonald wrote about on how to:

1. Love the son you’ve got
2. Let him see multiple versions of masculinity
3. Acknowledge your son’s feelings
4. Listen to what is not being said
5. Action-Talk (boys talk more easily when engaged in activity)
6. Talk about verbal and physical violence

In Part Two, he provides practical suggestions on how to:

1. Open up conversations about motivation

In our desire to motivate boys, it is easy to get sidetracked and confuse motivation with manipulation. Parents who use external rewards to inspire goals on the playing field or grades at school might be surprised to learn that they may be impeding their son’s potential for real learning. Ultimately it is your son’s choice to improve or not improve. Your task is to support his path of learning. Rather than manipulating with external rewards, be curious about what makes him tick and what motivates his interest. Discuss with him how he might use his motivation toward achieving his desires and goals.

2. Teach stress management

A boy’s brain is constantly monitoring his environment for potential threats or needs for resources. During the early years, parents serve as primary stress regulators, and as children mature, they test the stress template we have provided with our guidance and support. They still need our help -and will continue to well into the teen years- to cope with stress and anger without turning to violence. When he gets overly frustrated or angry, he can walk it out, talk it out or take time out, but first listen and let him know by your facial expressions that you appreciate his struggle. Let your son know he can always come to you if he feels like things are getting out of hand. Take time to explore with your son the options he has to express his own frustration and anger –and what is out of bounds. Discuss everyday strategies to manage stress.

3. Lead by example

Parents will have the greatest impact when they walk the talk. Keep in mind that your boy is like a sponge watching and listening to what you say and do and will take his cues from you –both good and bad. When parents work through their own conflict in ways that are calmly assertive rather than aggressive, they increase the chances that their children will adopt similar habits when they run into problems with one another. When boys routinely observe us slam and shut doors, or sulk and withdraw when differences arise, they’re likely to pick up those habits too. Be aware that your son is also observing you when you’re driving in traffic, talking with customer service reps on the phone, and with food servers in restaurants. Learning to become a contributing member of society takes time, opportunity and patience. We all learn to live fully not by ourselves but through relationships with others.

4. Encourage autonomy and independence

Sometimes our helpful interventions do more harm than good. If we immediately replace a broken toy or rush a forgotten assignment to school, the boy loses the opportunity to manage loss and frustration. If we try to smooth out every disappointment, we may also rob our children of gratitude. When we interfere with developmentally appropriate childhood difficulties, it’s a bit like carrying a one year old around all the time: He doesn’t learn to trust his own capacity for propelling himself forward, by crawling or walking himself. Knowing we are capable is the true source of self-esteem.

5. Use respectful and positive methods of discipline

When boys feel they have been called on the carpet, they often try to siphon off their own anxiety by drawing parents into an argument in order to sidestep a discussion about discipline. Parents may become triggered and find themselves reacting instead of responding. During these times it’s important to remember that it is the certainty of the response -not the severity or intensity- that makes the impact. It is adult responsiveness and calm follow-through that speaks of commitment and care. Sometimes we can think that boys learn from a stronger consequence such as being publicly shamed, sent to the office or suspended, but the results of these tactics usually include alienation and resentment. Scolding reminders are unlikely to change behaviour, and are more likely to fuel negativity in your relationship. Lectures and punishments rarely work, at least not over the long haul, and they don’t teach self-discipline.

6. Promote safety inside and outside the home

Talk about everyday safety concerns from an early age. Your best bet for ensuring safety, especially as a boy grows older, is to keep the lines of communication open. Be aware of your son’s activities and friends. As your child develops more independence and begins to choose his own entertainment and friends, try to be fair and respectful, even when you are expressing concerns about some of his choices. When your son is little, you can shut off his electronics, but after a certain point you cannot control what movies he sees at a friend’s house, or even what video games he is exposed to. Rather than fretting aloud about video gaming, sit with your son and learn from him how to play video games. Showing interest in his electronic world will help you connect with your son, and will also place you in a better position to discuss limits and other sensitive issues about the ideas and cultures presented within games. Without sacrificing your sense of your own authority as a mentor and guide, you can show willingness to learn from your son, to explore with him new media, new worlds, new opportunities for connection. It is connection with you, and the self-trust he learns in his own decision-making abilities, that will be your best safety insurance down the road.

Republished with permission by Barry Macdonald

Go back to Part One of this series.

This article was published in Barry Macdonald’s Boy Smarts Newsletter (January 2011) which can be downloaded from the Mentoring Boys website.

About the Author: Barry MacDonald is an educator and Registered Clinical Counsellor who is a champion for strong families, strong schools, and an advocate for boys, in Canada. A sought-after speaker and authority on boys and learning, he has worked with parents, educators, and youth for over 25 years, nationally and internationally. He is author of Boys on Target: Raising Boys to into Men of Courage and Compassion, Boy Smarts: Mentoring Boys for Success at School, and Boy Smarts Action Study Guide.