What is Quality Time?

Anthony Yeo, the late “Father” of family counseling in Singapore, once deposited a timeless nugget of wisdom in my life some eons back.  He said kids don’t really understand “quality” time, just time.

How wise!

We delude ourselves into thinking that we can “schedule” quality time with our kids don’t we? Truth is, special magic moments just cannot be always planned. For instance, when our kid comes home from school, slams open the front door and screeches out his victory war cry for having scored the final goal for his class soccer match.

Or the same child dragging a wagon load of sorrows because some kid spreads a rumour which hurts deeply, and is just longing for that dry shoulder to sob on, or a listening ear. These magic moments cannot be scheduled.  Or if so, then often without the same sentiments.

Our better senses tell us so.

Perhaps that’s one reason why Singaporean parents constantly feel stressed - fighting the uphill battle of trying to programme quality time.

Yes, we have the handphone, the internet, and the sms to communicate.  But nobody can transmit electronically the warmth of a smile, or the bond of laughter or the depth of sorrow.  We just need to be there!

Incidental Learning

Benjamin Spock has another thing to add about spending time with kids.  He reckons that much of child learning happens spontaneously.  He calls it “incidental learning”.

Learning Opportunities

So many things happen in the course of a normal day, it’s never “normal”!  That odd moment when the kid sees something sensual on TV which stimulates him, which then offers parents the chance to chip in with a quip or two about sex or boy-girl matters just cannot be scheduled!

Teaching Values

A car broke down this morning along Farrer Road in the thick of heavy traffic.  Clearly I can see the driver frantically seeking help on his handphone.  In our day and age, there’s little we cannot order or get through the mobile phone.

Nonetheless, it wouldn’t hurt to ask, I thought to myself.  I slowed down and yelled out my window if the exasperated driver needed assistance. Surprisingly, he did.  He happened not to have any vehicle breakdown emergency number with him.  I shouted out a number to him.

My son whom I was sending to school was next to me.  I had the chance to show him simple basic thoughtfulness, a fellow driver helping another driver, which perhaps is more effective than a six hour classroom session on civics.

Incidental learning yet again this morning!

Thus my dear fellow fathers, yes, spend quality time with our kids.  But let us remember to plan to just spend as much time with them as we can.  And when we are with the kid, we really need to be there.  Not with our newspaper or iphone.

Heed Anthony’s advice - kids just need time. And kids are young only once.

There will come a time (and probably soon) when they don’t even want to get time with us!

More on Incidental Learning

Long before a child enters the formal structure of the education system, they learn through mimicking those around them.  In most cases, it is naturally their parents.  Dr. Benjamin Spock, author of the classic The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care coins this “incidental learning”. ⁽¹⁾

According to Spock: "Children develop the basic survival tools they need long before they enter the world of formal schooling. Incidental learning takes place throughout a child's life, but a child's first teachers are his parents, and they are his most profound inspiration.” ⁽²⁾

Examples of incidental learning include a two-year-old who picks up several new words each day by listening to his parents, or a child in primary school who learns to be kind to his classmates by watching the way his parents relate to their own friends.

As children become older and encounter new people and environments, they begin to imitate the behaviors of people other than their parents.⁽³⁾

Reflection pointers for fathers:

Values are ‘caught’ not ‘taught’, developmental psychologists tell us, however as fathers are we there often enough for our children to ‘catch’ the values we want to impart?

Action pointers for fathers:
Plan a weekly time with your child with extended hours together. Make it an activity that he/she enjoys and incorporate interaction into these activities.

Be open to areas that you can exemplify healthy acts (charity, helpfulness, generosity, etc. Let your child see it and learn through a real life hero: the father.

References:

1. Spock, Benjamin, The Common Sense Book of Baby and Child Care, Duell, Sloan and Pearce, 1946
2. http://www.encyclopedia.com/doc/1G1-19381854.html and http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Benjamin_Spock, retrieved on 15 Jan 2010
3. Children learn through imitating behavior of parents, Spock, Benjamin.

About the Author: Philip Siow, 53, worked in the corporate world for 10 years before becoming a lecturer in Temasek Polytechnic. He holds a Masters in Education from University of Sheffield and a Masters in Business Administration from University of Queensland. Philip is a father of two teens, 13 and 15. Playing bridge and sharing thosai at a shop in Casuarina Road, are the Siow family addiction.

Note: This article is reproduced with permission from Centre for Fathering (CFF). CFF, founded in 2000, is a local charity working to "turn the hearts of children towards their fathers by inspiring fathers to be involved in their children's lives". Its programmes, which include the "Back to School with Dad" programme, the Eat with Your Family Day, Father-Child bonding camps and marriage and family workshops, serve to inspire, equip and support men in their roles as fathers.