Be Aware 
It is this aspect about seeing lives changed that gives Ms Ew the greatest sense of satisfaction in her job.
Ms Ew works at the Family and Children Protection and Welfare Branch of the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (MCYS). As a manager with The Fostering Scheme, she supervises MCYS officers who go on home visits to meet up with foster parents, to provide them support and monitor their performance. She is also part of the team that assesses applications and selects foster fathers.
The Dads for Life Resource Team interviewed Ms Ew to find out more about being a foster father – his role in the family, what it takes to be a good foster father, and the challenges and rewards which come with this role.
Role of a Foster Father
Usually, stories about fostering focus on the mothers, but increasingly, foster dads are also playing more active roles as foster parents.
Ms Ew said: "Most of the time, the [foster mother] is the main carer. Foster mothers are usually more supportive than foster fathers. However, we see more of [the foster fathers] being more active participants, attending training together with their wives." Some foster dads have even asked to join foster parent support groups with their wives.
Interestingly, the role of a foster dad could differ from that of a foster mum. Ms Ew observes that foster mums "tend to put in routines and have structures for the family." Foster dads, on the other hand, can bond with the child through play time. "Play can help children who have gone through trauma or abuse," she added.
Ms Ew said that the bond between the foster child and the rest of the family is very important. Like any other family, a foster family can have its conflicts and struggles. She explained: "When the foster child becomes more comfortable with the family,” he or she could “test some of the ‘boundaries'" or break some rules. Without bonding, the family may struggle in resolving these conflicts, but with bonding, there is "more affinity."
"Bonding goes a long way," she said.
Qualities of a Good Foster Father
The applicants to be foster parents and their household members will be assessed on their ability to meet the needs of the foster child. Here, "ability" refers to more than just financial ability or physical ability. While the selection criteria for foster dads includes a minimum monthly household income of S$2,000 and being medically fit to care for children, there are other qualities that Ms Ew and her team at MCYS look out for.
Foster dads need to be willing to ensure a home environment which is safe for the foster child. Experience in caring for and living with children is also a plus. "Foster fathers need to have empathy and be tender-hearted towards children," she said.
She assesses the foster dads' parenting skills and ability to support the foster child through understanding their experience in bringing up children. "If they have no children of their own, we ask about their contact with other children, like their nieces, for example," she said.
According to the MCYS website, applicants should also be prepared to protect and maintain the foster child’s privacy, and where appropriate, support the foster child in his or her return to the child's natural family.
Challenges and Rewards of Being a Foster Father
Being a foster father can be challenging. After all, foster parents "have their own [natural] families to manage," Ms Ew said.
There may be a 'honeymoon period' at the initial stages of caring for a foster child, when the family is excited and welcomes a new 'member' into the family.
Soon, however, family members would have to make adjustments as they adapt to the change of living with one more person. Family members may have to be prepared for their different roles in supporting the foster child. Ms Ew cited an example: "I have a foster father who has regular family meetings," where issues are talked out and ground rules are laid down.
Other common challenges include the extra time commitment and responsibilities involved. Foster dads would need to bring their foster children for medical appointments, counselling and physiotherapy sessions. They also have to be willing to attend the MCYS training sessions and work with MCYS officers in supporting the foster children.
Also, unlike adoption, foster children continue to be legal children of their natural parents. Thus, while the foster parents themselves have to learn to let go, they would also need to support their foster children in returning to their natural families.
Foster parents must treat the foster child like their own child, "but eventually the child has to reintegrate into the natural family. They have to go through the grieving process," Ms Ew explained.
However, being a foster father is not without its rewards.
For foster dads, letting go of their foster children may be one of the greatest challenges, "but when they think of how they have contributed to giving the child a positive life … when they focus on the happy times," they realise the rewards of fostering and would be willing to take on more foster children, Ms Ew said.
She also said that there are "intrinsic rewards of seeing the child develop, seeing the child become more secure and confident."
When asked why people would be willing to become foster parents, she replied: "They love children. They want to help the unfortunate. They think that they’re blessed and have a good family, so they have more to give. They find that it’s a very meaningful role to play."
"The fun and joy as a family together surpasses all the sacrifices," she added.
Support Available to Foster Fathers
Knowing that being a foster dad has its challenges and rewards, one may now be interested in fostering, yet somewhat doubtful or uncertain about it too. Interested foster dads are not alone in their journey of caring for foster children. MCYS provides several resources and support to prepare successful applicants to be foster fathers, and continues to help them after the foster dad has taken in a foster child.
When someone first becomes a foster dad, he will undergo a series of orientation modules, including modules on child development theory and child attachment theory.
After the foster child has been taken in, the support given does not stop there. There are other training modules about positive parenting principles and building relationships with foster children.
There are also Fostering Coordinators who offer regular support and advice through phone calls and home visits. Foster dads can exchange views about the foster child’s development and welfare with the Fostering Coordinators. Ms Ew said: "We will work through with them, monitoring their performance and providing the support that they need." Foster parents can also call a 24-hour helpline for assistance.
Interested to find out more?
According to Ms Ew, if interested applicants would like to hear more from a current foster dad, MCYS can arrange for that. For more information, call MCYS at their enquiry line for The Fostering Scheme (6354 8799), or visit the websites listed below.
Links:
'Be a Foster Family' pamphlet (PDF Format):
Also, read real-life stories on fostering - Lim Yook Gweek, foster father to 14 children. Rosli Othman, loves being a foster dad
About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.
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