Many step-parents have already been married, so they know from personal experience what can lead to marriage breakdown and they don’t want to go through it again. One factor, of course, is stress, and some stress is to be expected in a stepfamily. So, if anything, you will probably have to work harder on your couple relationship in a stepfamily marriage than in a first marriage. That means more talking, more negotiating, more forgiving and more effort to work things out as a team.

“After we’d been together for a few years Martha and I went on a vacation to the East Coast with both sets of kids. We both needed time with our kids, and Martha and I wanted to vacation together. Our kids had been getting along fairly well, usually during short visits, so we crossed our fingers and took them all.

On Day 12 my eldest son came to me and said, ‘We can’t take them anymore,’ meaning he and his brother were getting really tired of their stepbrother and sister. I could see it too. It was pretty tense for the last couple of days in the car. I had a talk with Martha about it and we agreed that we would both really have to work on our own kids to keep the peace until we got home.”

Obviously, discipline is a major issue in many families. It can be more of an issue in stepfamilies, because of children’s emotional responses to divorce or the death of a parent, how they adapt to new adults in their lives and a situation where parental discipline roles seem less clear-cut.

Discipline is more than just “making kids behave.” It also involves teaching, guidance and protection. Effective discipline starts with a relationship. Children need to trust and look up to the person in charge of discipline. That’s why most parents and experts agree that, as much as possible, the biological parent should handle most discipline issues with his or her own kids, especially in the early stages of family blending.

Step-parents should concentrate on building relationships with kids before taking a strong role in discipline.

“Elena didn’t really take on discipline at first. She didn’t feel she had a right to do it, so she deferred to me and let me handle most discipline. That made sense. But at times she was looking after the boys when I was at work, and, of course, situations would come up that required a discipline response.

She always used to say, ‘I’ll keep them from drinking Javex* and leave the bigger stuff to you when you get home.’ She knew she couldn’t let everything go. I think she became pretty good at anticipating and preventing discipline problems. But anything that required a big talk was left for me. I understood. If there’s any anger or resentment you don’t want to have to deal with, ‘You’re not my mother’ on top of whatever the discipline issue was.

So I always had to be the bad guy, which was hard. But I tried to look at the greater good, which was that we were creating a family. And to begin with anyway, having me handle most of the discipline, though not perfect, was the best thing for all of us.”

It’s not always possible for step-parents to stay completely out of discipline. Very young children always need someone watching them, and whoever that person is – parent, step-parent or babysitter – will have to step in at times and deal with discipline issues. And with children of any age, a step-parent will sometimes be in charge because his spouse isn’t home.

Step-parenting partners need to talk about household rules, responding to day-to-day behaviour problems, sibling rivalry and everything else that goes with teaching children how to behave and get along with others. If children are over the age of four, they should be included in some discussions. Family meetings, where the whole family sits down to discuss things in a calm atmosphere, can be a helpful way to clarify rules, consequences, discipline roles and other blended family matters.

Along with personal issues like relationships, discipline and trying to minimise conflict, blended families also deal with many practical issues – living arrangements, holidays, activity schedules, child care and finances. Dealing with these sorts of issues is important. If they are not handled well, they can be the source of additional conflict and stress.

“When Samantha and I were planning to move in together, we had a lot of practical financial issues to work out. She would be selling her house and moving into my house, which was going to need an addition built to make more room. We had to figure out how much she would contribute to the addition and what would happen to the proceeds from the sale of her house. It was a lot of work. One thing that was good about it was that it forced us to think about our future together, what things would be like down the road. That was good for our relationship.”

Research shows that many couples in blended families cement their relationship by having a child together. This can be a wonderful thing for a stepfamily, but it does create some new issues. Will I love the child we have together more than the children from my first marriage? Will I favour this child too much? How will the other children feel about the new baby?

“Mei had two kids when we met and then we had a child together. I’ve really had to think about how to be fair with the other kids after Eric was born. I can’t help it. He’s my boy. I’m more affectionate with him – of course, he’s a lot younger than them, so he wants to be hugged and held more often. But still I have to watch it. I want to be natural with Eric. But I don’t want Mei’s boys to feel that I favour Eric too much. I’m sure they understand that he’s my boy, and they have their own father. It’s hard to know the right thing to do, but I sure think about it a lot – probably more than I would if they were all my biological kids.”

All parents worry about treating children equally. Perfectly, equal treatment of children is hard to achieve in any family, even harder in stepfamilies. Some research has shown that in times of stress parents are more likely to compromise with their own children than with stepchildren. That’s not surprising. You can’t expect to treat your stepchildren, or love them, exactly the same way you would love and treat your own children. But it is possible to be fair. That means having consistent expectations for behaviour (depending on children’s ages), sharing household resources as much as possible and making sure that each child is taken into account and parented according to his needs.

“When Michel was born, I wanted to get him a baby spoon with his name engraved on it,” Lucie recalls. “Then I wondered how my stepchildren would feel? René and Chantal didn’t get spoons when they were born. I didn’t want them to think I didn’t care about them. So I got engraved spoons for them too. They didn’t say much about it and didn’t seem all that impressed at first. But a few weeks later I was putting away laundry and I noticed that each of them had put the spoon in a prominent place in their room. I guess it did mean something to them.”

Jennifer came to her dad the night before the school concert. “Mom’s going to be there, with… um, you know… Jim.”

“Yeah, I know,” said her father, Joel. “That will be a little weird, won’t it? But we have to get used to this. We’re going to run into your mother and Jim sometimes. It will feel awkward tomorrow night. But hopefully it will get a little easier each time.”

Many stepchildren have multiple parents. That can be a source of difficulties when ex-spouses don’t get along very well, can’t agree on child-rearing issues or when there are conflicting values between different households and parents.

Jordan was a hot guitar player. He spent a lot of time practicing his guitar, jamming with friends and listening to music. The only problem was, his school marks were not very good. His father, Bob, who Jordan lived with part-time, was a guitar player himself. He thought his son could be a successful musician and encouraged Jordan to put a lot of his time into music.

However, Dale, his stepdad, did not approve. He told one of his friends, “I don’t think Jordan should be allowed to spend so much time on music, when he’s doing poorly in school. He’s a bright kid and he should put more energy into his school work. I can’t believe Sandra is letting her ex-husband jeopardise Jordan’s future.”

Dale has a point. Jordan probably should put more effort into his school work. However, step-parents don’t always have as much influence as they’d like over issues affecting their stepchildren. At times you may not like what your stepkids are doing or how their parents are handling it. And your viewpoint could be perfectly valid. Even so, sometimes you have to accept that you can’t control certain things and that you have no choice but to let the original parents handle a situation.

A stepfather can give input to his spouse, and has every right to have a say about matters that affect him directly. For example, Dale shouldn’t hesitate to ask Jordan to use headphones if the boy is playing his guitar loudly after 10 p.m. But many issues are best dealt with – for right or wrong – by the child’s original parents.

On a more positive note, at its best, having more than two parents can mean a child has three or four caring adults looking out for him and supporting his development. It’s not always easy to achieve this, but the best chance of success comes when both families:

• Communicate honestly and respectfully
• Put the child’s well-being ahead of the parents’ needs
• Treat the other parents with respect
• Honour agreements and schedules
• Respect the child’s relationship with her other parent(s)

Many families sometimes face problems that require outside help: individual or family counselling, support groups, family mediation or legal advice. If you need help finding family services ask at your doctor’s office, place of worship or any agency that works with families or children.

Final Thoughts

We want to leave you with one more idea: hope. Hope is important for any parent. It’s particularly important in blended families. A hopeful attitude helps us to look at day-today life a little more positively and not give up when things aren’t going so well. When you are hopeful you are also more likely to see opportunities to build your stepfamily relationships and notice little encouraging signs of progress.

The question is how do you maintain your hope, especially if you’re having a hard time?
That’s what husbands and wives are for. You’ve got this exciting new relationship and you’re really motivated to make it work. Take advantage of that. Lean on each other, cheerlead for each other, help each other solve problems and always be ready to offer and accept each other’s advice and support. Lean on your friends and close relatives too.

Don’t forget to enjoy your kids. Children are a challenge. But they can also be enjoyable, funny, interesting and exciting. Good times with children increase our feelings of hope.
And lastly, try not to get too discouraged by the mistakes you will make. The blended family is a tricky business.

As one father put it, “You’re going to be afraid to make mistakes, and then you will make them anyway.”

But if you put your efforts into looking after your children’s needs and building relationships with them, chances are you’ll do more right things than wrong things. And if you work as a team with your partner, you’ll learn from both your successes and your mistakes. Then your ratio of right things to wrong things should improve. That’s the best any parent can hope for.

Republished with permission by The Canadian Father Involvement Initiative - Ontario Network (FIL-ON) from One Step at a Time, Chapter One: What Children Need.

*Javex is a type of cleaning fluid

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About the Author: John Hoffman is a National Magazine Award-winning writer and columnist for Today’s Parent magazine and Canada’s leading writer in the field of fatherhood. John has written over 50 articles for and about fathers. One Step at a Time is his sixth booklet on fatherhood and his fifth for FIL-ON. He lives in Peterborough, Ontario with his wife and three sons.

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