Be Aware 
Are You a Dad Supporter?
We can be ordinary people but the effort taken to enhance the bonding between a father and child can go a very long way. Have you ever tried to build up and strengthen the relationship between a father and child? In other words, are you a Dad Supporter?
Dad Supporters are Family Members and More!
A key candidate for a Dad Supporter is the wife. If you are a wife, you play an important part in the relationship between your husband and your child. Love the father of your children and give him wise counsel. A man’s parents and his parents-in-law are also often important reference points and sources of help.
But Dad Supporters comprise many more roles than just wives, parents and parents-in-laws. Almost everyone can be a Dad Supporter. You, in your current capacity, can step out and step up efforts to support a dad.
If you are of blood relations to a dad as a sibling, cousin, uncle or aunt, nephew or niece, you can, as Mr Abdul Salim, a father of three and founding member of Fathers@Schools in Montfort Secondary School suggests, organise family outings and find time to talk to the dads about the importance of their involvement in their children’s lives.
Dad Supporters Outside the Family
• A Dad’s Close Friends
If you are a good friend to a dad, you might know the challenges he is facing and can provide a trusted balanced perspective, pointing him to resources such as websites, services and programmes or simply hear him out when he needs someone to talk to. (See Websites on Fatherhood at end of this article)
• Neighbours and Friends in the Community
Neighbours may be privy to certain intimate details of a family and are often the first to hear about the happenings within a home. Build up trust through sharing food, visiting during festive occasions and having the children play together. Reach out and establish a channel of communication and support.
There are also men who are active in community groups such as Dads@Chua Chu Kang (Dads@CCK) at the grassroots level, and small groups in religious communities. These men, who are dads as well, can be Dad Supporters.
But, not all men intuitively gravitate towards formal groups. Rather, it is often a dad’s inner circle of friends and family that has the greatest potential to provide him with support. Nonetheless, there remains merit in promoting the development of groups as it allows men the experience of learning from other dads.
Mr Danny Chew, chairman of the Parent Support Group at Broadrick Secondary School suggests a strategy, “You do not need to begin with a group solely for fathers. It may be more helpful to first gather families around an interest or activity. Thereafter, groups of fathers will develop naturally.”
• Bosses and Colleagues
At the workplace, bosses, colleagues or business partners can become Dad Supporters in practical ways. Mrs Chua-Lim Yen Ching, Director of Curriculum Planning and Development Division, Ministry of Education, recounts an incident in which a boss excused an employee from an overseas work-trip so that he could attend a fruitful camp with his son at school.
• Teachers
If you are a teacher, you are in a unique position to intervene. Meet-the-parents sessions offer a valid platform to engage the dad and offer support and advice on his child’s likes, dislikes, behaviour and performance in schools, giving dads an added insight into their children. Where possible, ensure that both parents attend the meeting session and involve dads in the child’s school life.
On a more serious note, your close and regular interaction with the children allows you to monitor their well-being. A child with bruises, who is withdrawn, or exhibits abnormal behavior are red flags. Behind a child in need of help is a dad who requires likewise.
Understanding the Challenges of a Dad
Even as you try to help dads to grow in capacity to emotionally connect with their children, put yourself in their shoes. There is wisdom in Dr William S. Pollack’s statement: “…if we truly want men to become more empathetic, we need to become more empathetic to men [1].”
Be aware that dads have many responsibilities to juggle and expectations to meet, which could weigh heavily on their shoulders. At times, they may not know how to be good dads or they are unaware that they could do with more help. Or, they may simply not know how to ask.
The traditional masculine socialisation process which advocates that men should avoid “sissy stuff” and should not reveal weakness can interfere with dads being equally engaging in parenting because adept parenting involves being emotionally connected with a child [2].
More dads need to be aware of better and more engaging ways of being a dad. Mr Joseph Steven, PBM, a father of three and founding member of Dads@CCK, notes that dads need to pick up new parenting skills of being “friendlier” than those of the earlier generations of dads.
Dad Supporters would need to be sensitive to these issues facing contemporary dads and provide timely effective assistance. Every little effort will add up, and why wait? “Some things are worth trying. It all comes down to the heart and mind which make the right decision at the right place and the right time. Don’t wait because the chance may pass,” says Mr Abdul Salim.
Websites on Fatherhood
• Center for Fathering (Singapore)
• Fatherhood Institute (United Kingdom)
• National Centre for Fathering (United States)
References:
1. Pollack,W.S. (1995).No Man Is an Island: Toward a New Psychoanalytic Psychology of Men. Levant, R. F., & Pollack, W.S., In A New Psychology of Men (pp. 35). New York: BasicBooks.
2. Levant, R. F., & Wimer, D. J. (2009). The New Fathering Movement. In Oren, C. Z. & Oren, D. C., Counselling Fathers (pp. 3 – 21). New York, Routledge.
About the Author: The Dads for Life Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.
