"Mummy!!! Gor Gor* hit me!!!"

"Daddy!!! Mei Mei** bully me!!!"

"Ah boy***, tell your father I’m not speaking to him until he apologises!"

Sounds familiar? If not, count yourself among the extremely fortunate. Otherwise, do not worry, for we are not alone.

Fighting, conflicts and disagreements are all part of family life. In fact, some would argue that these are crucial and essential elements to maintaining strong bonds in the family.

The Need for Conflict Resolution

However, it is not the mere presence of conflict, but conflict and its resolution that enables families to grow, understand each other better and live out their identities.

In the conflict described above, it is commonly seen as ‘ganging up’ or ‘taking sides’. Take the instance where Gor Gor hits his younger sibling. Upon calling for mother, she would tend to side with the ‘victim’ and scold the ‘perpetrator’. The fight is over and peace ensues.

However, this is unhealthy. It might produce resentment and distrust in one party, and overdependence on the other.

The Art of Tackling Triangulation

Why does this process of 'ganging up' occur so often? This, according to Murray Bowen ⁽¹⁾, is triangulation.

When conflict occurs between two people, tension fills the relationship. To relieve that tension, the conflict has to be resolved. Sometimes however, the conflict cannot be resolved, and the only solution would be to triangulate another person. Fei Yue Family Service Centre’s Mr. Tony Ong, a Family and Marital Counsellor who works with men, describes this as an "attempt to ease the tension; a pulling in of a third party, at the expense of a better relationship."

Imagine a heavy box you are carrying called 'conflict'. If it is too heavy, you may either put it down (resolve the conflict), or request help carrying it. The moment someone else gives you a hand, you will feel the weight redistribute, thereby rendering the box manageable.

The two hands carrying the 'conflict' are analogous to the two people concerned in a conflict. This two-person relationship is sometimes referred to as a dyad. A dyad is defined as "two persons involved in an ongoing relationship or interaction" ⁽²⁾.

In a family, there are various entrenched dyads, mainly the marital or spousal dyad (husband-wife), the sibling dyad (brother/sister-brother/sister), and the parental or parent-child dyad (father/mother-son/daughter).

Each dyad has its own development, events and stages ⁽³⁾. For instance, easily identified stages in a parent-child dyad are where the child initially views the parent as the most wonderful person in the world. Later, the child realises the parent is fallible, and a rebellious phase may result.

Finally, resolution occurs in the child's later years when he/she turns into an adult, and is able to engage the parent once again, but this time more as peers.

An event common to most dyads is definitely conflict. Hence, whenever ganging up occurs i.e. someone becomes triangulated, that person then provides the tension relief craved by the original dyad. The box now becomes easier to bear. However, if you constantly ask for ‘help’ in carrying this box, how would you ever be able to carry it on your own in future?

That dyad would then never learn how to resolve their own conflicts, thereby stunting their individual growth, and the growth of their dyadic relationship. Stories abound on how certain familial relationships remain irreconcilable even after many years. A poor history of conflict resolution may be one contributive factor.

A Father’s Role in Conflict Resolution

As a father, you need to identify these instances of triangulation, and nip them in the bud. Do not allow your children to triangulate yourself or your wife, or anyone else for that matter, into their conflicts.

On the reverse side you yourself must be wary of triangulating your children into your own conflicts!

Triangulation can be problematic when children ‘test water’, that is they hope for differing standards from either parent. For example, Father may come home to Mother who complains about child’s lack of diligence in doing school work. Child may then complain about Mother’s incessant nagging. Father is then dragged in to mete out justice. When this happens, Father can only please one or the other.

As Mr. Ong puts it, it is where the "couple lacks communication, that the child would use one against the other."

Parents need to have a common understanding and consistent parenting. They need to stand together, and this is especially so where parents are separated or divorced, points out Mr. Ong. A lack of clear, objective communication would open them up to triangulation; whereas talking and discussion increases awareness, and decreases the risk of triangulation.

However, triangulation in itself is neither good nor bad. At times, it is important to come in and act as a mediator during a conflict between siblings. Nonetheless, note that mediation can only occur between individuals of equal standing or power. For instance, it would be rather ridiculous to mediate between a mother and a three-year-old.

Children however, can only settle issues among themselves after they have learnt the proper negotiation skills as they grow. Mr. Ong says that it is here where the father needs to train and impart the requisite skills to children.

In the meantime however, mediation is the course of action that may be necessary. Mr. Ong indicates that an important precursor to a good mediation session is being “objective and clear-minded”. This however is not feasible especially when a father has just come home from work, is tired, upset or frazzled.

Hence, it is essential that the mediator first ensures that his own needs are cared for, otherwise objectivity might be lost. This could range from grabbing a quick bite, to washing one’s face to perk up. Only then can effective mediation occur. Some tips given by Mr. Ong include:

• Listen to both parties; listen to individual stories

• Be clear of what is going on

• Repeat what each party says; summarise and clarify

• Be objective

• Take personal responsibility over what you say – do not say things like "Your mother always says…" or "Your mother is right. You really are a…"

Remember, to avoid triangulation, or triangulation getting out of hand:

• Communicate clearly with your spouse for consistent parenting standards

• Mediate appropriately

• Be clear and objective during mediation

• Care for your own needs first

• Speak for yourself; take personal responsibility

When conflicts are worked out between individuals concerned, good can only result. Even when you see the need to step in, stay as objective as possible in order to ensure issues are thoroughly worked through, and true resolution results.

Fatherhood is sometimes like kite-flying. You must know when to take in more string, and when to let it out. Keeping an eye on your family’s growth, especially in the arena of conflict resolution, is very similar to that.

You must know when to be there, and when to back off. A high calling indeed, and who better to serve it, than the head of the family. Remember, conflict without true resolution will always be a thorn in the flesh; if not now, then later. Fathers, remember what you are working for.

*Gor Gor is a colloquial term for elder brother

**Mei Mei is a colloquial term for younger sister

***Ah Boy is a colloquial term sometimes used to refer to a son

References:

1. Bowen, M. (1978). Family Therapy in Clinical Practice. New York: J. Aronson.

2.  http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/dyad, retrieved on 2 June 2010

3. White, J. M. (1991). Dynamics of Family Development: A Theoretical Perspective. New York: Guilford Press.

About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.