Disharmony and the Struggles

Alienation, parentification (a role reversal between parent and child in which the child takes care of the parents' needs) and loyalty conflicts are concepts in any book written on children caught between parents who are separating, divorcing or already divorced. Unfortunately, these scenarios are played out in the lives of everyday people across Singapore.

There are residential parents who find it difficult when they hear that the child had a good time with the visiting parent.

Visiting parents, on the other hand, generally find it difficult to understand when children are protective towards their residential parents. It is unfortunate, too, that visiting parents who are acrimonious, sometimes blame the residential parent when the children do not have a good time with them (the visiting parent).

Dr Katijah Dawood, Executive Director of the Centre for Family Harmony (CFH), explains that sometimes visiting parents who struggle with the difficulties that come along with living in separate homes, prefer to believe that the ex-spouse has brainwashed the children.

There are also children who experience helplessness when the residential parent cries out to them for support. Parents who show varied feelings such as anxiety, anger, hurt and disappointment are unaware that their children are observing and internalising whatever they see in their parents.

Given the trying circumstances they are in, some children “act out” or display difficult behaviour. They may be doing so out of a need to protect themselves in what they perceive as a threatening situation. Or, it is merely a cry for help to their parents –they "show" what they feel rather than "tell" what they feel.

At times, children may have witnessed conflicts or even have been harshly punished by their parents. More often than not, such children harbour bad memories related to family life. They struggle with feelings of abandonment which affects their behaviour when the non-residential parent visits them.

"In such situations, parents must give time for children to heal and work very hard to establish or re-establish bonds," explains Dr Katijah.

Yearning for Harmony, and Establishing it

These are circumstances encountered on a regular basis by the helping professionals at CFH, which was set up in July 2006 by the Thye Hua Kwan Moral Society to support children’s contact with their non-residential or visiting parents. Therefore, Counsellors, Mr Siva Kumar and Mr Colin Ho are at hand to share their insights on how dads can better manage an already difficult situation such as separation and divorce.

According to Mr. Siva Kumar, fathers need to be aware of the impact of divorce on children and their emotional state. “It is important to continue to give attention to the parent-child relationship before and after a separation, divorce or remarriage,” he says.

Mr. Siva Kumar points out that, “There will be a need for adjustment to the changes in the family structure, routine and environment.” Nonetheless, dads can continue to build strong bonds with their children and do fun things with them. Dads can do so by making. “…an effort to understand child development and age appropriate activities.”

Having worked with many fathers facing separation and divorce, Mr Ho explains that heated arguments, conflicts and divorces are never pleasant. But there are active steps that can help alleviate the pain. Fathers, you can begin by:

• Being positive role models. Any breakups in a family significantly impact relationships between parents and the children. Maintaining a sense of civility between you and your ex-wife amidst all the ugliness is crucial if you desire your children to emulate your positive handling of differences and conflicts and to properly manage their own lives in future.
• Managing your own expectations. It is important to acknowledge the existence of your ex-wife’s standpoint and realise the need to work with her on an even keel for the benefit of your children. Recognise that changes have taken place and that matters are now different from the routines in the past. Be constructive in your collaborative work with your ex-wife, towards a win-win outcome for everybody.
• Co-parenting your children with one voice, one stand. Be an ally-parent to your children, not a competing rival for their love. Children desire unity and harmony in the family, between their parents. Invest in quality time with your children; strengthen the parent-child bond now and not wait until emotional and behavioural problems in children surface, influenced by divorce proceedings.
• Acknowledging and appreciating your children. Being in a position of authority and power, fathers should also realise that they imbue a significant impression on their children. Children especially look up to their fathers for stability, assurances and building self-confidence. At the same time, fortify the confidence within the children by actively welcoming and appreciating their opinions and ideas. This would also foster greater bonding and trust with the children, through mutually respectful interactions.
• Maintaining a state of uniformity and structure in the children’s lives. Continue the daily routine or arrangements of spending time with the children, regardless of changes to the status of the relationship between their parents. Relationships with children should not be compromised but further encouraged. It is important to preserve the structure in children’s interactions with both their parents.

Act as if what you do makes a difference. It does.

-William James

About the Author: The Centre for Family Harmony (CFH) is a specialised centre for separated and divorced families, to help parents and children who need help from a neutral third party in arranging for visitations. Established in 2006, services provided by the Centre are vital to meet the needs of such families, especially those facing volatile situations where parents may have safety concerns for themselves and their children. The Centre’s services include: Supervised / Unsupervised access, Supervised / Unsupervised transfer, Counselling, Group Programmes, as well as Public Talks or Workshops. Website: http://www.thkms.org.sg/counselling.html

For more information, contact (65) 6747 7514 or e-mail This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

This article was written by CFH in collaboration with The Dads for Life Resource Team which comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.