Dads Desiring to Transform Family Life

The inaugural DadsforLife Conference kicked off with a bang at the Orchard Hotel on 14 June 2010 with over 1000 dads from all walks of life gathering to discuss important issues around how to transform their family lives.

There was a stir of electric excitement when Mr Josh McDowell, the keynote speaker, took to the stage. His presence, accessibility and warmth came through as he addressed the audience.

Speaking on how important it is to use positive communication methods to instill a sense of good self esteem in children, Mr McDowell’s empathy may stem from having overcome a troubled childhood.

Abused by his father as a child, Mr McDowell strongly attributed his own healing as a person and ability to take on an active fathering role, to his faith, support from wife Dottie, and the presence of other men in his life who became role models for him.

To illustrate the point that dads need to build up their children’s sense of self worth, Mr Mcdowell borrowed an example from pop culture -Michael Jackson’s distant relationship with his father- to show the negative effects of neglect in children, particularly neglect from a father.

Once, Mr McDowell watched an interview in which Michael Jackson, the King of Pop, shared about his childhood experiences. 15 minutes into the interview, Jackson started crying and wept till he could not speak.

Eventually Jackson said that all he ever wanted was a father who would hold him and tell him that he was loved. But his father never did.

In view of Jackson’s tragic plight, Mr McDowell said, “I tell you now there is nothing more powerful and profound in a child’s life than the love and relationship that they build up with their fathers.”

To build loving relationships with their children, dads can apply the following principles:

• Be There, Be Present

There will always be competing demands on a dad’s time. However, children should be a dad’s priority. Children will know that they matter by the efforts dads make to be in their lives.

Mr McDowell urged dads to simply spend time with their children.

He said, “All a kid wants is for their dad to be there and be in their lives. They don’t expect you to be perfect, they just want to hang out with you and have some quality time.”

According to Mr McDowell, a child within the ages of 12-16 in the U.S. who does not having a loving relationship with the father is 400% more likely to attempt suicide compared to his peers who have a loving and supportive relationship with their fathers.

Therefore it is vital for dads to build strong relationships with their children. The time that dads spend with their children affects their psychological and overall developmental well-being.

• Embrace Their Uniqueness

Each child differs in personality, gifts and talents. The more dads affirm their children, the more they will believe in themselves, and the greater they will be.

Mr McDowell encouraged dads to embrace how unique each child is.

He said, “Acknowledge them, their talents, their attributes, they will believe in their abilities and they’re self worth will soar!”

“We need to approach their world, what they’re interests are, what their opinions are, their choices in life. If you step into their life, they will step into yours,” he added.

According to Mr McDowell, ignoring and being indifferent to one’s child, causes the same amount of emotional damage in their lives as sexual abuse. Scientific studies have proven that indifference affects children’s self esteem and self worth.

Therefore it is important for dads to enter into their children’s world by accepting their wonderful personalities.

• Set Boundaries

Children need rules to help them learn to be respectful and responsible. Setting limits helps them stay out of trouble and become better adults.

With all the discussion about love and being positive, sometimes it still comes down to discipline.

Said Mr McDowell, “Be firm, and set boundaries.”

He told dads that though it is tough, behavioral problems need to be addressed, “You need to show who’s in charge, but also show that all your decisions stem from your love for them.”

By doing so, dads will help children stay out of trouble. Said Mr McDowell, “Rebellion is just them testing out how far [one] can go, and sometimes you just need to be the one who keeps a cooler head.”

Nonetheless, it is not just about discipline. Dads who habitually correct their children and point out what they have done wrongly, should also try to point out and take note of what they did right.

“It’s so much more fun, and your children will appreciate that you appreciate them!” said Mr McDowell.

• Love Yourself, Love Others

It is difficult for dads to love their children without first loving himself. Hence, dads also need to take time to exercise, relax and reflect.

And, from the ability to love oneself, comes the expression of love for others in one’s life.

Mr McDowell said, “When we express affection to our wife and children, it lets them know, that ‘I am loved!’”.

He warned that if children do not get love from their fathers, they are going to look to their friends for the affection that they feel is missing.

• Be Their Role Model

Children model the way dads live their lives. Positive relationships between their own parents pave the way children relate to others.

Mr McDowell said that dads are responsible for molding their children into well-adjusted kids, teenagers and then adults. As such, dads have to love their children in such a way, that they truly want to become just like their fathers, in a positive way.  And children learn from watching their father’s make decisions.

In addition, dads have to build a loving and close relationship with their children so that they will not walk away from the values taught them. “But you must model that very truth or value in the presence of that child, or they will walk away from it,” said Mr McDowell.

In his presentation, Mr McDowell had also pointed that when one’s adult children fall in love, they are going to apply to their own relationships what they learnt from their parents’ affection or lack thereof.

As Mr McDowell explained. “It’s a chain of love, if you love them unconditionally and show affection, they will do so in their own lives, and in their own adult relationships.”

“Your adult child then can be able to say, ‘I will love my wife or husband, the way my father loved my mother, ’” said Mr McDowell.