Be Aware 
The lives of today's school-going children are filled with programmes aplenty, most of which are 'brought about' by their parents. This article examines the role fathers may play in creating the busy or over-stimulated schedule of their young, as well as how fathers may better manage the demands and expectations they have of their children.
The 'Busi-ness' of Being Busy
Singaporeans are a busy, competitive lot.
Many think a busy life is equivalent to a 'fulfilling' one. One needs to realise, however, that being occupied is one thing; doing things to achieve or satisfy a higher purpose or meaning in life, is another.
Most Singaporean children have no lack of opportunities in terms of formal education, tuition, participation in co-curricular or enrichment activities and access to other resources made available by eager parents.
Playing 'Catch-up' on Lost Dreams & Unfulfilled Aspirations
A father may not himself have had the chance to complete higher education or enter his preferred vocation. He may have lacked the money, time or opportunity to learn music or drawing. He may not even be able to swim well. His public speaking skills may be poor.
Deprived of such learning opportunities, it is natural for a father to try and ‘re-create’ similar or better ones for his children's benefit. He may think: "I did not have the chance to experience all these. So now, I want my children to enjoy what I had missed out earlier in life."
So, the father enrols his child in music appreciation, speech and drama, creative writing, neuro-linguistic programming, mental arithmetic, swimming or golf classes. He also expects the child to fare better than him, given that better resources are deployed to this end.
Dad's intentions are good. He wants to expose his child to as many activities as possible which he feels would add value to or increase the child’s potential and life prospects. He may also 'secretly rejoice' at 'catching up' on his personal dreams and unrealised aspirations, albeit "vicariously" through his child.
Yet, Junior may not be particularly thrilled. He may feel as if he is made to live constantly in his father's shadow, and walks on a tight rope, with little time to rest or relax.
As psychologist Dr. Eliza Lian-Ding comments in her book Why Your Children Love You…and What They Most Need from Parents (p. 13, 14) "…children in urban contexts …are constantly being moved from one activity to another. They are hurried in the morning and rushed to bed at night, with a flurry of activities throughout the day. There is precious little time for thoughtful conversations and exchanges because those things take time. Without opportunities for reflection, it is difficult to consolidate any information."
She strikes the nail on the head when she questions: "How many of us actually think about the kind of children we want to raise and what it will take to accomplish that? .. parents…have…the desire to give their children the best. But what is "the best"? Is "the best" defined in terms of what we can offer for our children's educational development and enrichment activities?" (p. 143)
Learning to Strike a Balance - "Enrichment Programmes" versus "Enriching Play"
Even though that is the only enrichment class his kids attend, family time at home on Sundays is interrupted and reduced because he and his wife take turns to bring them to their classes at different times of the day.
Yet, Mr Tan belongs to the minority. The majority of his peers pack their children's schedules with many more enrichment classes!
Mr Tan has been very mindful not to over-schedule. He believes in letting his children learn one thing at a time, and at their own pace. Time spent outdoors in free play is important. His family frequents Upper Seletar Reservoir as the boys love the serene Mandai greenery and the simple thrill of throwing pebbles far out into the waters.
How many children these days do that just for fun?
Poet, essayist and naturalist Diane Ackerman, revealed (p. 11) in her book -- aptly titled Deep Play: "Children can be extremely serious about play. Their games, though "fun", aren’t always silly or filled with laughter. Play is an activity enjoyed for its own sake. It is our brain’s favourite way of learning and manoeuvring…play feels satisfying, absorbing…Much of human life unfolds as play."
The Daily Diary – Knowing When to Pause
People sometimes are tempted to fill up all the 'free slots' in their schedule. They do so without realising that being unoccupied and free from a clutter of appointments is a sensible thing to do.
Children benefit from freedom of space and exploration. It is in these moments of free play that adults can observe better and take note of the natural talent, gift or strength of their children. A focus on the child's inclination and ability is more meaningful and rewarding than imposing the parent's own aspirations onto the child.
Ms Fiona Walker, Chief Executive Officer of the Julia Gabriel School of Education in Singapore shared tips with Dads for Life on tell-tale signs of an over-stimulated child: "The first sign would be if the child is experiencing anxiety or demonstrating any symptoms of stress. If the child is tired, anxious or stressed because of the schedule of activities then it is really fair to say he is unlikely to be able to perform to his full potential.
The second sign would be if the child's schedule meant there was little or no time for the dad to spend with his child. The benefits of spending quality time playing or roughhousing together, chatting, exploring, discovering, planning and dreaming together are so valuable. The lessons a child learns from his father about life will stay with him or her far longer than the facts and figures taught in more conventional classes."
Thus, care must clearly be taken that a child’s schedule is not overly demanding to the extent it adversely impacts the child's physical and mental well-being.
Yet, for children growing up in a technologically-advanced and fast-paced society, it is particularly challenging to keep older children or teenagers positively engaged. For youngsters who seem bored, restless and disinterested, the key lies in arousing their interest in a subject. Once their interest is piqued, they would be sufficiently self-motivated to apply their minds and exert their energies towards more fulfilling and challenging tasks.
For older children, fathers must try to keep channels of communication open and welcoming. Ms Walker explains that it is by spending relaxed, unstructured time together where Dad has the opportunity to talk and listen to his child, that he really gets to know his child and vice-versa. By understanding his child, Dad can then better choose the one or two activities which will really benefit the child or ignite his passion and interest.
As for Mr James Tan, by closely observing his children's preferences and needs, he learns to better plan their schedule to ensure they have time to study, rest, play, talk and bond. He also lets them unleash their energy through exercise, hobbies and spontaneous play.
Be Clever & Savour!
True wisdom lies in knowing when to stop, think and say no. Do not blindly follow what the Joneses do!
"Is his/her schedule too tight?" is a question fathers should ask themselves from time to time -to take stock of what are the truly important activities for their children.
It is important to consciously reflect upon the purpose and meaning behind the activities participated by children and the family as a whole.
As Dr. Eliza shares: "…it is important to know what it is you are trying to achieve as a parent. Then your energy and resources can be channeled more deliberately towards the development of your child as a whole person." (p. 151)
Wants should be sifted from needs, and routine tasks from truly fulfilling ones.
A person not overstretched by a tight schedule is likely to have a calmer, sharper sense of mind to appreciate the true purpose of an activity, and savour the sweetness of idle moments as time well spent.
References:
1. Dr. Eliza Lian-Ding, Ph.D. 2009, "Why Your Children Love You … and What They Most Need from Parents", Armour Publishing Pte Ltd
2. Diane Ackerman, "Deep Play", August 2000, First Vintage Books Edition, Random House Inc.
About the Author: The Dads for Life Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counselors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.
