As fathers, you play a critical role in nurturing and developing your child.  You can do so by motivating, setting clear boundaries and being firm and fair when disciplining your child.  Keep in mind that you are encouraging your child to be self-motivated and to exercise self-control and self-discipline in decision-making.

This will ensure that as your child grows, he or she learns to makes positive and informed choices. It is important not to be overbearing or to create an over-dependency on you.

How Do I Nurture and Train My Child?

• Leading by Example

Fundamental to nurturing and training a child is to lead by example.  Children are highly observant and are quick to imitate behaviour based on observation.  As fathers, embodying the positive values and behaviour that you want your child to adopt can go a long way.

For example, when eating at a food court, make sure you clear your tray and dishes when you are done, explaining to your child its social benefits.  This will be ingrained in your child and they will emulate such behaviour in future.

Conversely, if you do not offer your seat on the bus or MRT to someone who needs it, you child will believe that such ungracious behaviour is acceptable.

• Teachable Moments

There will be many opportunities to nurture and develop your child when you spend time together.  Always teach your child immediately when the opportunity arises during a specific activity or occasion.  This allows your child to experience, analyse and internalise the positive values or behaviour.

For example, when your child litters in the neighbourhood park, take time to ask your child about the consequences of his behaviour.  Ensure that he performs the corrective action after you have convinced him of its merits.

• Story telling

Most children love reading and listening to stories.  Choose simple, vivid and positive stories to read regularly to your child.  After the story telling session, ask her what aspects of the book she liked and talk to her about the values of the characters in the stories.

Relate the stories to your child's own experiences, seeking alignment to her personal values, and allowing her to internalise and recall positive values easily.

• Experiential learning

Fathers are known to play rough and tumble games with their children and they tend to be more exciting to play with. Dads tend to encourage their children to take risks and to explore their environments more vigorously than mothers do.

Men are also more likely to let children master tasks on their own before they offer help ⁽¹⁾.  Encourage your child to play, experience mistakes and learn within safe boundaries, which allows them to intuitively associate emotions such as frustration or pain with the mistake.

In future situations, children will recall the emotions they experience and remember the lessons more clearly.  Researchers say this approach can have a powerful positive impact on children, fostering curiosity and teaching them to regulate emotion and enjoy surprises ^(2).

How do I Discipline My Child?

Discipline your child when necessary.  Until your child learns self-discipline and self-control, it is necessary for you to provide guidance and direction in a firm and fair manner.

Some ways to discipline your child include:

• Enforcing a Time Out - When your child commits a mistake, enforce a timeout from the activity immediately.    Ensure that your child is isolated from others but in a position where you can monitor him.

Encourage her to reflect on her past actions and the potential consequences of her actions. Allow your child to resume her activities only after she has demonstrated a clear understanding of the undesirability of her negative behaviour.

• Removal of Privileges - Removing your child's privileges for a defined period of time in response to undesirable behaviour is another means of disciplining your child.  As much as possible, make this a logical consequence so that your child can be accountable for his actions.

For example, if he is neglecting his homework and spending excessive time on the computer, prohibit access to the computer, explain to him the consequences of his actions, and ensure that he can only access the computer after completing his homework.

• Avoid Spanking or Other Forms of Physical Violence - Research has shown that spanking has a negative impact on the child's development, from creating traumatic negative memories of childhood to inhibiting the development of thinking skills ⁽³⁾.  Thus, consider alternatives to such forms of discipline.

When you have the urge to hit your child, stop and put your child in a safe space.  Step away and take deep breaths to calm yourself down.  Reflect on your thoughts and emotions and consider how you can correct your child's behaviour without hurting her ⁽⁴⁾.

• Focus on Teaching, Not Punishing - When disciplining your child, it is important that you do not create resentment or hostility in your child as it will instil a sense of fear and distance between father and child.

Focus on teaching rather than punishing.  You can do this by explaining to your child the reasons for the punishment and what you expect from him before you punish him.

Talk to him about the negative consequences of his actions, while helping him identify or recognise the alternative, positive behaviour.  By nurturing and disciplining your child in a fair and consistent manner, you can mold the development of your child in a positive way.

References:

1. Pruett, K. (2004). What a difference an involved Dad makes. Work & Family Life, 18(9), 3.

2. Shellenbarger. S. (2007, June 14). Life With Father: What Kids Get From Time With Dad. Wall Street Journal  (Eastern Edition),  p. D.1.  Retrieved February 9, 2010, from ABI/INFORM Global. (Document ID: 1287971471).

3. Spanking Detrimental to Children, Study Says. (2009, Sep 16). Retrieved on 11 Feb 10 from the CNN Website:

4. Before You Hit a Child, Stop and Think. [PDF format] (1997, 9 Jun). Retrieved on 11 Feb 10 from the MHCS website: