It’s Not Just Exam Stress that Children Are Coping With

Children are facing more pressure to perform academically than ever before. An increase in expectations, the stiff competition faced, and the increase in “student workload” are main contributors to the exam stress.

Children are expected to possess great discipline, able to multi-task, and manage time perfectly.

No longer can they be home by 1:30pm to start on their homework or revision. After school hours are commonly occupied by co-curricular activities, enrichment or remedial classes, and tuition or external programmes.

Having many healthy activities may not be necessarily a bad thing. It’s when there is difficulty managing all the responsibilities that it can become a big issue.

Top Stressor for Students

As such, when I conduct stress management workshops for students. I always ask them to talk about the stressors they face. Almost 95% of the students mention that academic stress tops the list. This is an indication that students need help to deal with academic stress and inevitably, exam stress, since that contributes greatly to the overall academic stress.

To begin, it is vital for you to be aware of your child’s every day behaviour during the rest of the school term. Without, this intimate knowledge, you may not be able to identify signs of exam stress in your child.

Identifying Signs of Exam Stress

Here’s how you can identify signs of exam stress in your children ⁽¹⁾:

(Adapted and expanded upon from Identifying Signs of Stress in Your Children and Teens by The American Psychological Association)

1. Take note of changes in their behaviour. It is not easy to identify stress among younger children as they may not how to tell you about it. However, there are certain symptoms to watch out for such as withdrawing from activity, being easily agitated or moody, and constant worrying.  These may be signs of the onset of stress. Be careful not to misinterpret these signs as tantrums. Try to look deeper than just the surface, especially if the frequency increases.
2. Take a step back if they want some space, but stay connected with them.  It is almost second nature for dads to want to give advice when they see a child struggling. But sometimes what children need is personal space. When that happens, give them the space they need, but let them know that they can always turn to you if they need to talk.
3. Take time to talk to them if they are open to talk about how they feel.  Connect with your children when they express their fears and worries. They will appreciate that Dad cares not just for their results, but their emotions as well. They will feel understood and remember that Dad made them feel important during those “darkest moments”.
4. Take note when they say “I’m having a stomach upset” or “I’m not feeling well”. Stress may affect your children’s physical body and result in pains like stomachache and headache. Be alert when they constantly complain about such physical symptoms, especially during a possible stressful period like before a big test.
5. Take note of what they say and are really saying. Children who are stressed may frequently use words such as “worried,” “lost,” “upset,” and “angry.” They may express negative things about themselves such as: “No one likes me,” “I’m stupid,” “Nothing is fun”.
6. Take note of how they relate to others. Network with your children’s teachers and friends’ parents to find out how they are behaving, feeling and thinking. A child facing a stressful situation may be his or her usual self at home but act out in unusual ways in other settings.
7. Take note and make use of resources. You can always approach mental health professionals, such as a psychologist, counselor or social worker if you are concerned that your child might be overwhelmed with stress. You do not need to tackle the problem alone.

Strategies to Cope with Exam Stress

Dads, there are many ways to help your children cope with exam stress. Let’s find out what strategies four dads have implemented.

1. David Ang (Director of a pre-school)

David helps his three children to a manage exam stress by getting them to set up a time table.  The daily schedule is also re-arranged to get them focussed on preparing for the exams.  David recognises that having a plan is one thing, but getting them to follow through the plan is another challenge. However, whether the plan is followed fully or not, having a plan already cuts the stress level by half.

2. Reuben Soh  (Financial Trainer)

Whenever Reuben observes that his children are showing signs of stress, or if they become very tensed up preparing of their exams, he invites them to take a break so that they can be re-energised.

3. Chiang Tat, Gn (Travels often for work)

Although Mr Gn travels overseas very often for work, he makes an effort to discuss with his wife on ways to help the children cope with exam stress. When back in Singapore, he spends time taking his children for walks and reconnecting with them. He treasures every face-to-face moment that he has with his children.

4. Mr Ronald Mah (An American Marriage & Family Therapist based in California)

For Ronald, exams are merely a test of reading skills, recall and memory, and the ability to manage stress. As such, he tells his children that it is not a test of whether they are worthy or not. “I remind them that they are still great kids and very well loved however they do on the test,” he says.

As much as the children are supposed to try hard at their studies, achieving some set performance is not the most important goal. This is because Ronald and his wife are clear about their kids’ academic abilities and know what their kids can achieve. Nonetheless, they do what they can on a practical level by ensuring the kids have enough nourishment, and time to study and rest, so that they are at optimal ability to take a test.

“One daughter had challenges with Math in high school, so we arranged for a tutor.  Otherwise, they managed their own studies and did so very well,” he says.

At the end of the day, Ronald and his wife present a calm demeanor through any academic challenge, because, as he put it aptly, “We don’t add to their anxiety with our anxiety.”

Coping with Exams or Learning Life Skills?

Dads, there’s also the test of your attitudes and motivations. How you view your children and relate to them affects the way they cope with exam stress.

I believe it is important that you equip your children with various strategies to deal with exam stress. But it’s the connectedness and emotional bonding you have with them that will last. Your children will appreciate your companionship. Such good memories will be with them when they become parents themselves.

By connecting with them, you will not only help your children handle exam stress, you will also cultivate in them good habits and valuable life skills that benefit them a lifetime.

Being the connected dad, is a very sacred and worthwhile role that you should aim to undertake.

References:

1. Lickona, T. (2004).  Character Matters: Why Character Matters. New York, United States, Touchstone

2. American Psychological Association, Psychological Help Centre Page, Identifying signs of stress in your children and teens, retrieved on 10 July 2010.

About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.