Human beings are rule makers and rule followers. Rules make it possible for us to live in communities without getting in each other’s way or violating each other’s rights and boundaries.

A family rule refers to any behaviour pattern that is indigenous to a family system or relationship.

For example, if Mom and Dad want their kids to excel in their school work, they may enforce the rule that they must do their homework before they are allowed to watch TV. This rule is consciously intended to produce a repetitive behaviour pattern towards schoolwork.

In another case, when John gets upset and leaves the room every time his wife screams, he is following an unconscious rule that requires him to vanish whenever he thinks his spouse is angry.

There are four categories of family patterns each with their respective polarities:

1) Overt – covert;
2) Appropriate – inappropriate;
3) Flexible – rigid; and
4) Healthy – toxic

1. Overt – Covert Rules

Overt rules are openly communicated and highly visible to the family members so that they encourage ownership, participation and negotiation. They help to explicate family goals and expectations held by the parents.

Covert rules are unspoken and tend to be rigid because they are not open for discussion or negotiation. As a result they can develop into family “secrets” that govern behaviours.

For example, a covert rule could be: If you want to do this or that, and you want a “yes” answer, ask Mom first. No one ever sat down and laid this rule but you worked it out through ‘experience’ in your family.

2. Appropriate – Inappropriate Rules

Appropriate rules fit the ages of family members for whom they are intended, and foster developmental goals like trust, autonomy, initiative, and competency.

Inappropriate goals, on the other hand, reinforce dysfunctional behaviour patterns and ignore the ages and development of family members.

For example, if every time John and his wife step into his family home and his parents treat him like their “boy boy”, then he is not allowed to ‘grow up’ despite having a family of his own.

3. Flexible – Rigid Rules

Rules that are pliable and adaptable to meet the demands of unusual circumstances are important to guide children to self-care and self-responsibility as they grow into their adulthood.

Rigid rules focus on strict obedience at the expense of individual uniqueness so that the child lacks a sense of self. This can be seen in the failure of an adult child who has yet to ‘cut the umbilical cord’ as adults.

4. Healthy – Toxic Rules

Healthy family rules have the following characteristics: promote openness and equality; confirm a person’s inherent worth and uniqueness; foster feelings of unconditional acceptance and love; and to enable family members to discover appropriate, functional and acceptable behaviours for self-efficacy.

Toxic rules produce “dis-ease” among family members; destabilize and impede family relationships; and intensify family dysfunction. Below are four common toxic rules that characterize severely dysfunctional families:
a)      Do as I say, not as I do.
b)      Don’t wash dirty linen in public.
c)      Don’t express feelings.
d)      Don’t be selfish.


Reflection pointers for fathers:
Take a time out by yourself and recall what it was like to grow up in your family. What were some family rules that helped you be the man you are today? Did you make any discoveries about how these rules have shaped your fatherhood? You may like to share this exercise with your spouse. It is important to make “I” statements and avoid making judgments.    

Action pointers for fathers:

1.    Take time personally to think through and write down the rules that are in place now. Do these rules train and nurture your children to grow into an upright adult, or are these rules made to make your parenting easier?
2.    Are these rules still relevant to your children today? As your children grow, some rules may become obsolete or incompatible for your children.

Make the conscious effort to set rules that are beneficial to your children’s learning process and keep them relevant according to the different stages in their life.

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About the Author: Philip Chang, is an Associate with the Centre for Fathering (CFF). CFF, founded in 2000, is a local charity working to "turn the hearts of children towards their fathers by inspiring fathers to be involved in their children's lives". Its programmes, which include the "Back to School with Dad" programme, the Eat with Your Family Day, Father-Child bonding camps and marriage and family workshops, serve to inspire, equip and support men in their roles as fathers.

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