Dads often find themselves in a role of a disciplinarian, and faced with the challenge of deciding what disciplinary action to take.

On one hand, they may discipline more harshly than mums, with results that are less effective.

On the other hand, because dads tend to be less openly expressive than mothers, one unique way that dads nurture their children is by remaining calm when the child is acting out.

Studies suggest that dads who respond calmly when their children misbehave have boys who are less aggressive, and girls who are less negative with their friends. ⁽¹⁾

A dad’s approach to discipline thus has the potential to shape children’s behaviour and attitudes, and how they eventually deal with conflict ⁽²⁾. When disciplining, keep in mind that it is about modifying children’s behaviour, and not about anger or retaliation.

Prevention: Setting Rules and Consequences Together

Before children get into trouble, sit them down for a chat on what you do not want to see them do, such as pushing their siblings around or not doing their homework before going out to play.

As you list each situation, explain why the behaviour is undesirable while encouraging them to generate their own reasons too, so they understand the basis of your decision.

Finally, jointly decide on the punishment that will be meted out if the rule is broken, making it easier for them to accept any disciplinarian action in future, as they will know the consequences of their actions beforehand.⁽³⁾.

Acknowledgement: Positive Reinforcement

One may also take a tip or two from the influential behaviourist, B.F. Skinner, and practise positive reinforcement-- the acknowledgement of good behaviour through an immediate reward. ⁽⁴⁾ Skinner felt this was superior to punishment in changing behaviour as it produced results that lasted longer without the negative side effects of punishment. ⁽⁵⁾

Positive reinforcement is simple to employ and need not involve expensive gifts. Pick out simple pleasures that children enjoy, such as playing with friends or watching a particular cartoon.
Whenever your child does something praise-worthy, immediately offer an acknowledgement and the reward. Conducted over a period of time, these behaviours become habits that do not require rewards.

One should note however, that bribery is not considered a reward. In Singapore, one often hears of parents indulging their children with promises of the latest toys or holidays if they perform certain desirable actions.

The difference is subtle. While rewards are direct responses to good behaviour, bribes are issued before the good behaviour is performed.

Mediation: Dealing with Sibling Rivalry

There will be times when siblings do not get along, but such situations are exacerbated when they are of the same gender, close in age or if there is a large disparity in abilities. ⁽⁶⁾ Hence, avoid comparisons as much as possible and allow the children space and time to develop in their own ways.

However, when inevitable conflicts happen, let siblings resolve their differences and intervene only when there is a threat of physical violence. Constant intervention can create an expectation of parental attention and children may take a long time to learn to resolve conflicts.

Furthermore, parents tend to come to the rescue of one child, usually the younger one, leading to growing resentment in one child and a feeling of entitlement in the other. ⁽⁷⁾

Punishment:  Be Consistent

Regardless of the form of discipline used, an important factor to note would be consistency, with the severity of misbehaviour correlated to the intensity of the punishment. Once you have meted out punishment for a particular misdeed, stick to that standard. ⁽⁸⁾

If Mum has set a standard you do not agree with, discuss it in private with her as showing contradictory actions in front of your children may set you up for future manipulation.

Finally, share the role as disciplinarian between both parents regularly. ⁽⁹⁾

References:

1. Child Welfare Information Gateway, Children’s Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Retrieved from www.childwelfare.gov.

2. Ohene, S., Ireland, M., McNeely, C., & Borowsky, I. W. (2006). Parental expectations, physical punishment, and violence among adolescents who score positive on a psychosocial screening test in primary care [Abstract]. Pediatrics, 117, 441-447.

3. Parker, Wayne. Child Behavior 101 - Setting Limits for Your Children.

4. Reinforcement.

5. Skinner, B.F. (1970). Walden Two. Macmillan, Toronto.

6. Sibling Rivalry.

7. Handling Sibling Rivalry.

8. Parker, Wayne. Ten Common Child Discipline Mistakes Fathers Make.

9. Child Welfare Information Gateway, Children’s Bureau, Administration for Children and Families, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.