As much as it might seem a contradictory concept, teen communication is in fact, achievable for dads. Here, we explore what makes teen communication so ‘difficult’, and how dads can open the doors to make a much-needed impact in the exciting, heady world of their maturing teenagers.

Obstacles to Communicating with Your Teen

When your children were young, communicating with them was generally one-sided: You spoke, and they listened. They asked, and you told. Your understanding of one another developed in a straightforward manner. In the teen years, a dramatic change takes place.

Suddenly, when you talk, they walk away. Perhaps, they might put on their ‘default’ expression - openly displaying their annoyance, disinterest or distrust.

In more extreme cases you might even feel as if they treat you with contempt.

As hard to believe as it may seem, in most instances this is perfectly normal, and even desirable.

The teen years are best seen as the years where your children explore and learn what they can accomplish on their own. This requires them to develop certain, often egocentric, beliefs:

“I am at the centre of everything.”

“No one can possibly know what I have to go through.”

“I am invincible.”

Rest assured that these types of thoughts are developmentally appropriate. They need to find their independence, which means that whenever possible, they need to act as if they are no longer dependent on you.

What’s a Dad to Do?

The changes that your teen is going through can be rather worrying. Their new beliefs might seem reckless, and you might worry that they will place themselves in unnecessarily hazardous situations. Your primary weapon against this is to keep the communication channels open.

It’s Nothing Personal

While some conversations with your teen are going to be ‘civilised’, others will not. At times when your teen seems unreceptive, you should still say your piece, and trust that he has taken your words in.

Do not take his treatment personally. It is important to remain as constant as possible, to continue to offer your advice, opinion and share your concerns even in the face of your teen's apparent disinterest, annoyance or even outright disrespect.

The key is in the delivery. Continue to show that you care, and that you will not stop caring, even if it seems like he is telling you that he does not need your concern.

Crucially, you must communicate to your teen that you are there for him.

Delivery That Works

While you have to continue to express your desire to communicate your teen, how can you do it in a way that will have an effect?

Obviously, giving orders and expecting her compliance just because “I say so” is no longer going to work. Be assured that the lessons you have already given to her in her childhood are already in her memory bank. She is now ready to be held accountable for her decisions.

From now on, make a transition towards two-way communication with your teen. Where you have concerns, think about the subject area, and open up a discussion with her in that area, instead of giving a lecture on the topic.

For instance, if you are concerned about her choice of friends, ask her about the topic of “how to choose your friends”, and find out what she thinks.

Once your teen begins discussing a topic, it is vital that you give her room and time to speak through her thoughts. If you interrupt her, there is a great likelihood that the channels will shut down. Do your best to listen more.

As you keep those channels open, apply some tools to keep your teen on the straight and narrow.

Special Tools for Teenagers

Since you cannot lecture her on what to do and what not to do, there are some things you can establish to make sure that she is all right. Experts in the book, Teenage as a Second Language, recommend these two tools:

1. Establish an emergency plan. Give your teen a word that she can SMS you, so that you can rescue her from a specified location in a time of crisis. Remember that when this rescue plan is being used, your role is simply to act. Leave the talking for later.

2. Implement a feeling and action scale with your teen. This is a sample:

i. I’m great = No action needed.

ii. I’m fine = No action needed.

iii. I’m so so = I need time alone in my room.

iv. I’m upset = I need some alone time and then I want to talk to you about what’s happening.

v. I’m in crisis = I need your help.

Finally, there are useful online resources that you can turn to for advice on communicating with your teen. Have a look at one of the most comprehensive resources here.

References:

1. Greenberg, Barbara R. (2010) Teenage as a Second Language. Mass, Adams Media.

2. White, Joe (2006). Connecting with Your Teen. Retrieved 10 July 2011.

About the Author: The Dads for Life Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.