Zaidi Yacob, 39, shares his joys of being a house-husband, and the sacrifices and worthy gains along the way.

"I am a father first, and my kids will always be my first priority.”

Ask the public what they think the proper role of a father is, and you’ll most likely get responses like “provide financial stability” or “be the disciplinarian”, and more along the lines of what a traditional father figure may be. But what about a parental role reversal - a father who defies gender-specific parenting roles to become a stay-at-home father?

Most Singaporeans would not be able to comprehend such a 360 degree role reversal, much less be brave or game enough to try it. This was not the case for Mr Zaidi Yacob, 39, currently a lecturer at ITE Bishan.

From Single Life to Fatherhood

This brave new parenting world did not just happen overnight. In the late 90s, he and his wife Raihan were married, and soon after, welcomed their first child. On top of having a new baby to celebrate, during this time he also graduated and soon secured a new job.

By working hard, his career advanced rapidly, from a senior executive to managerial position. The constant achievements, such as being awarded the "Young Executive of The Year", were lauded by peers and colleagues alike. He cites this period of time as being career-driven, absorbed in his work, almost to the point of being a workaholic.

Naturally, time spent with his family suffered a great deal, and he felt like he was neglecting family life due to the constant demands of work.

In 2001, when their second child was born prematurely, Raihan required a period of hospitalisation. With the main parental figure needing some much deserved recuperation, Zaidi was forced to take a brief leave of absence from work. He cites this as being the time that he was first able to really nurture a bond with his eldest son.

He was finally able to work on his eldest child's developmental progression, nurturing the boy in sporting activities like soccer and building up his confidence and interaction skills. Soon though, it was time to return back to work, and the norm resumed.

Zaidi and his children enjoying physical activities

Rethinking Priorities

In 2003, with the SARS outbreak and poor economy taking effect, working life grew more tense, with company retrenchments and conflicts abounding, and Zaidi having to deliver most of the bad news to his colleagues. He came to the conclusion that it was time to reassess his life and the choices that he was making. Realising that the satisfaction wasn't what it used to be, he downgraded from his current position, naturally taking a pay cut as well.

But downgrading still meant a job with full time hours, and he felt that his continued absence was affecting his children. Deciding to prioritise, he had lengthy discussions with his wife, contemplating the pros and cons of either of them stepping out of work to focus on their children solely. Raihan herself was carving out a career in her own right, assuming more responsibilities with a managerial position.

Making a Tough Decision for the Sake of Family

In 2005, after much debate, it was decided that he would take the plunge to be a full time stay-at-home parent, as his wife would then focus on being the parent with the career. With money being another issue to think about, he decided to take a part-time job in his friend’s cafe, working mostly nights, so that his daytime schedule would be free to focus on his kids.

He planned his days actively, allocating time such as morning exercise routines that the children could participate in, as well as taking them to school and having adequate down time to bond with them.

Father and sons soon became inseparable. The year and a half back in 2005-2006 spent off full-time work, he says, paid off tremendously, and was well worth the sacrifice. “I was able to focus on nurturing my son’s character and development, and if I had not made the sacrifice, I don’t think I would have the relationship that I have with them now.” said Zaidi.

Back to the Office

Currently Zaidi has resumed working full time, as a lecturer at ITE Bishan, part of the Lifeskills Department, dealing with Project Management. Now a proud father of 3, his advice to fathers thinking of being stay-at-home dads is to consider their priorities and have the mindset to adapt to change.

"Consider who has the better career, make sure financially you are able to cope, also be prepared for societal and peer judgement. Take it in your stride.”

Building Continuously

Though back at work, Zaidi still maintains the activities with his sons that he earlier strived to engage their interests in, such as soccer, swimming and silat. He also advises potential stay-at-home dads to keep a journal, to document their thoughts and day-to-day reflections on time spent with their children. With their youngest child still in the early years, Zaidi is more than willing to reprise his role, “I will not hesitate to take time off when the youngest one is older, so that I can focus on him too.

 

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About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.

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