Relate at the Right Level

Your children are practically growing physically, emotionally and intellectually before your eyes and you will need to relate to them at the right level or you will sound like you are speaking down to them. Or they will miss your point all together.

In this time and global age, it is hard to be at your children's side all the time to witness and adjust to their first steps, first word spoken, first time they go to school by themselves, first best friend and first heart break. Or, be it witnessing them growing in independence, getting married, and having children.

How does a dad stay engaged in their child’s life? It can be those 15 minutes over the breakfast table before he shoots out the door to school; it may be sharing of real heart-felt feelings over a casual lunch date; it may be a Facebook (FB) comment; an email or a tweet to keep in touch.

It could also be a long distance phone call to show that your relationship transcends distance as well as time.

Most children stay away from having their parents as their FB friends to prevent their ever-watching eye over all that goes on in their cyber relationships.  Nevertheless, it was my teenage son that encouraged me to go on FB to make new friends when I commented that it is hard to maintain friendships while living and working overseas.

If they are responding appropriately to you; you must be relating at the right level.  Look forward to having your sons and daughters as your best friends when they come to maturity.

Look Out for Those Teachable Moments

We need to be alert and grab those opportunities, even if they are few and far between. Taken rightly, such opportunities will bring a light bulb moment to your child, instead of you sounding like a broken record.

I had been noticing this growing tension between my son and his mother in their conversations. He has been nurtured in an environment where he is encouraged to speak up when he sees something is not right. I noticed that there was some truth in what he was saying to his mother, but the way he was doing it, whether in an Asian or any other context, was not right. And they were not getting anywhere.

I cannot remember everything that I said to him but the gist was something like, "Even if your mother is wrong, you do not need to speak to her in that manner.  She is your mother and that is how she expresses her love and care for you."

It was a short few angst-filled teenage years of broken doors and smashed cupboards but our son has changed to respect and honour his mother and girls in general.  I believe my wife had also made efforts to engage with him and show that there is another side of her that he also needs to understand.

There are only a few years in a child's life you can get away with using the phrase, "Because I said so!" Hence, search for an answer that may not be spot on but will bring them to a better attitude toward their classmates or the struggle they are going through.

I am sorry to say you need to be around to notice those teachable moments.

Bank In On Those Moments

Every relationship including that with your child needs deposits into one’s emotional bank account.

It was getting cold (2 degrees Celsius without central heating) and a struggle to get our 13 year-old to put on more clothes.  He was also outgrowing the clothes in the kids department, beginning to fit into clothes in Men’s size, either in Regular or Small.  Buying clothes for him was sometimes a hit, and most times, a miss situation.

As such, it was heartwarming to see him fit into - and like - my one-size shrunken-down woolen sweater. Another morning, he was going out with that sweater and his hoodie, which was still not enough to keep him warm in that weather.  I took my new down jacket and put it on him.

The look on his face showed me I had made at least one deposit that day.

 

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About the Author: William Tan, 50, is father of two sons. He works as an administrator, and lives with his family overseas.

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