The Pathway to Involved Fatherhood

One day, Mr Tan Moon Chong's long-term neighbour welcomed him, thinking he was a new resident. Perhaps this was not far from the truth, as after 28 years of working in the engineering industry, Mr Tan was such a busy director that he travelled six months in a year, and would often be working or teleconferencing till 11pm each night.

Obviously, this busy work schedule took its toll on his relationship with his family. "I had outsourced the kids and the running the household to the maids!" he laughed wryly. He describes himself then as impatient with the children; work had left him with barely any time or energy for his family.

In June 2008, Moon Chong made an unexpected choice -- and opted for an early retirement, to spend more time with his wife and children.

Leaving his career wasn't easy, he recalls. He had to deal with the loss of income, the insecurities of being unemployed, and questions from inquisitive neighbours. Initially, he found it hard to adjust to this drastic switch from a hectic working life to a sudden emptiness in schedule.

However, he gradually got used to his new life. He wanted to spend more time teaching his youngest son, 6, who is autistic and has speech delay, so the two of them started going on many outings together. Knowing that his son is an experiential learner, Mr Tan taught him by showing him around the market and taking the bus or train to different parts of Singapore.

Another reason for Moon Chong's early retirement was that he wanted to be available for his oldest son, 14, who was becoming more difficult for his wife to manage. Boys at a certain age tend to push their mothers away, he feels, and fathers need to be present for their sons. Very often troubles manifest themselves in anger, he reflected, "So I try to wait for him to be ready to speak, to find out what's behind the problem."

In the past, he would likely have responded impatiently to his children's outbursts of anger, but now he is trying to slowly build that emotional bond with them so that they will share their thoughts freely with him.

School is Also a Place to Parent

As for his 12-year-old daughter, his relationship with her was not so good, he admits, but this improved after he started volunteering at Ngee Ann Primary School, where she is currently studying. As a parent-volunteer, he helped to organise the 2009 Teachers' Day celebrations for her class, and through this project together as father and daughter, Moon Chong learnt more about his daughter's friends, teachers and her interests.

"In the past one and a half years, our relationship has been repaired," says Moon Chong. He proudly tells of the time she showed him her treasure box of cards - a gesture of closeness he would likely have missed had he still been spending all his time working.

This family-centred perspective also led him to become the School Family Education (SFE) officer in Ngee Ann Primary School in 2009. "Many parents are anxious, but not equipped," he says, so he has organized numerous workshops on parenting skills, and also initiated a fathers’ group for sharing and support.

"Some parents are good at providing materially - food, shelter, clothing," he observed, "but they are sometimes too engrossed with academics, or they forget their child's emotional needs: emotional health, self-esteem, respect."

Unlikely Lessons in Fatherhood from the Workplace

Although Moon Chong former career and current life now seem worlds apart, he points out that his parenting methods also stem from his work experience. As an engineering director, he would often use the DMAIC project methodology, for projects aimed at improving an existing business process.

More recently, he used this approach when his eldest son encountered problems in school, by defining (D) the problem specifically, measuring (M) it, analysing (A) it to identify the root cause of the problem, improving (I) the current situation with a concrete plan, and controlling (C) the situation. The skills needed for work are also relevant for parenting, he feels.

In his former career as a company leader, he also placed a strong emphasis on mentorship and grooming the company's employees -- and he now places the same emphasis on grooming his own children. "We tend to be so much more purposeful in building relationships with our colleagues and bosses," Mr Tan pointed out, "so why not at home?"

It is evident that he has lost none of the drive characteristic of his previous career. "The past 25 years of my life have been impactful in terms of my work," Mr Tan says, "and I want the next 25 years of my life to be impactful in terms of my relationship with my family and contribution to my community.”

He describes his current life as SFE officer and family-man as "returning my unearned privilege to my community" - a privilege that his wife accorded to him in his former work, sacrificing her own career so that he could develop his.

Mr Tan admits that not many people have the financial means to quit their job, but feels that everyone needs to make a choice whether to spend more time on their careers or their families. For him, he knows that if he did not spend more time with his children, he would regret it. "Once time passes, there is nothing you can do to turn back the clock."

 

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About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.

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