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Introduction
“My wife Jackie and I have 2 boys and a daughter. I got reported for cruelty one Sunday in 2004.”
This was what financial planner Dr James Chia, 55, wrote in his introductory email. Such is his flair for arresting your attention with the element of surprise, bordering on shock. Now, James may have simply been baiting the curiosity of this reporter with reference to the article about him and his family from the Sunday Times (21 Nov 2004, "What? No more pocket money?"), but back in 2004, it was quite a shock to his then-teenage sons, Christopher and Daniel, when he decided that he would no longer give them pocket money.
Boys’ Behaviours
The boys’ behaviour had been testing James’ patience. He had had “enough of their nonsense”, so he decided to teach them not to take things for granted. It didn’t help that the decision was taken just weeks before the final school exams!
The boys were flabbergasted. No money for meals in school? How could their father expect their brains to function properly when they had to study for the coming exams?
Their mother suggested postponing this decision. “I didn’t want to wait for a better time,” James explained. To him, the matter was settled. James Chia,. an operationally-ready dad, would stand by his decisions.
James, who has a doctorate in civil engineering, had been very focussed on his career for some 17 years, of which the last five were spent “working for other people without any leave”. His children were fast growing up and he needed more time with them. So in 1996, he decided to venture out of his professional comfort zone and made a career switch. He left the construction business to concentrate on laying strong foundations for his own family.
James believes the way to succeed in life is “not simply to play safe” or to go for the softer options. A case in point is the memorable ‘punishment’ he meted out in 2004, now deemed a milestone event in the Chia family.
“In fact, it would have been easier for me if I had let things be,” he mused. Although it seemed cruel to stop giving his sons their allowances, James did not leave them totally at a loss. Instead this father was committed to help his boys find ways to earn their keep.
“Christopher, the older boy, has the gift of gab. At 17, he started to sell health-related products to earn some pocket money,” said James, who provided the initial capital. Daniel, two years younger, was resigned to the inevitable. “I had planned to eat less. Maybe pack food to school,” recalled Daniel, now 21. “Then my dad came up with the idea of a book… a book of poems which I had to write.”
“We could kill two birds with one stone. Of course the book had to make money. But it would also help Dan to communicate, to express his thoughts,” explained James, describing Daniel as “naturally shy and reserved”. “I was resistant at first because I didn’t like the commitment,” explained Daniel who had to churn out three poems every week. James figured that if the deadline was not tight, there would be no poems in sight. And the father believed in his son’s hitherto hidden talents. As it turned out, many of the poems in Daniel’s TeenY Thots were birthed on the road between school and home, and delivered to his dad via a web-enabled mobile phone. The father was totally committed to the project, assigning himself an equally punishing task – to undertake the publishing and marketing of the book in time for Christmas that very year.
Although daughter Gail, in boarding school at that time, was spared from having her allowance cut, James roped her in to do the illustrations for Daniel’s book. Turning to the page entitled “Family” for which the thirteen-year-old Gail had drawn a couple together with a boy and a girl, James said, “There are two boys in our family. So I asked Gail to draw another boy, but she absolutely refused. She wouldn’t listen to me!” James recounted how he had to tediously “cut and paste body parts” to re-create the extra person. He had come to recognise that his daughter is strong-willed… just like him!
This is one father who, through his passionate involvement in their lives, had come to know the strengths and weaknesses of his three children, and has learnt to adjust his own fathering style and adapt to each of them.
“He has transformed from being a 'discipline master' to a more patient and magnanimous person,” said Gail. A compliment indeed from this teenager whom James reckoned is “the hard-headed one who fights head on with me.” Nowadays father and daughter enjoy their regular Saturday ‘dates’, simply having lunch together or checking out the shopping malls. “He's more like a father to me now, always trying to be a better father,” Gail added.
Always pro-active, always pushing the limits to better himself, James wants to stretch his children’s capacity. “Especially their EQ”, referring to the emotional aspects of achievement. “I’m more concerned about the type of persons they will turn out to be. There are many challenges in life, and I want them to learn how to fail,” explained James. “That’s why I got all three of them into competitive sports to prepare them for the real world, because in sports there’s a higher chance of losing than winning.”
It is said that a true leader doesn’t simply command; he goes into battle with his men. That’s what James does, as father and mentor.
“When he pushed me, he got himself very involved as well,” said Daniel as he recalled how his dad, in wanting him to excel in pole-vaulting, scoured the internet for various techniques and came up with his own unique methods to personally coach him twice a week. “I didn’t expect Dad would go so far. Sometimes I think he’s crazy,” Daniel smiled fondly.
In the poem “Hero” written when Daniel was 15, he made this observation of his father:
Strict but reasonable,
His rule is obey or get it.
He is hard on the outside but soft on the inside.
He does what he says
But gives more than expected.
Nevertheless, this ‘crazy’ father and husband is deeply loved and respected by his family, in spite of his relentless drive for perfection and his “somewhat military manner and task-oriented perspective”, as elder son Christopher put it. “Having grown up now, I’m more capable of discerning his underlying intentions and the pressures my father faced in providing for his family,” added this fast-maturing young man.
Last year, as younger son Daniel was completing his national service, James urged him to write another book of poems. Sensing Daniel’s reluctance in pursuing the second book, James employed a more persuasive approach to convince the reluctant author, by writing him a note. Daniel revealed that his dad often wrote notes, be it to explain things or simply to say ‘sorry’ or ‘thank you’. “Dad gave me his reasons, and I understood why he wanted the second book. That was how the book Growing Thots, came into being.”
As their mentor, James is conscious that all three children will “soon be out there on their own”. His desire now is to be accepted as a friend, someone they can always trust, someone they feel safe to confide in. As children grow up, so too must parenting and fathering???
Well, what else can you expect from James Chia, the Operationally Ready Dad**?
** Pun on ORD, which stands for Operationally Ready Date, the day male enlistees complete their national service stint with the Singapore Armed Forces.
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About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.
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