When we think of great artists or athletes, what comes to mind is the effortlessness of their amazing performance. What remains less obvious is all the lonely, unseen hours of sweat and grit and persistent effort that goes into producing a successful result.

For Jai Prakash, an assistant director in the civil service, his story about being there as a new dad is uncannily similar.

The journey of this young father began about 10 months after he was married. His wife did a pregnancy test at 9pm on 10 August 2009, and with the positive result, Jai jumped completely into the testing of a new dad-to-be.

The Test Really Begins

You see, his wife’s body reacted instantly to the discovery that they were pregnant. She immediately started having terrible bouts of morning sickness, and the adjustment required was abrupt, even dramatic.

She had been an unusually strong woman, according to Jai. What affected her most were the vomiting spells, which was emotionally taxing because it reminded her of vulnerabilities she never experienced before.

Jai told us that at that point of discovering the pregnancy and its immediate effects, he decided that he would step in and be as supportive and assuring as his wife would need.

Public transport was the hardest for her to deal with, as she could not stop the vomiting. His decision was to make arrangements to for private transport. But this would not stop the plucky couple from taking on something much bigger.

A Big Adventure

At about four months into term, his wife decided that they would go to India, reckoning that this would be their last chance as a couple to do something together, something that she especially, had longed to do.

Of course, Jai supported her decision to go on the vacation, after checking with the doctors that it would be safe to do so. However, they would meet with strong objections from their parents, especially since it was their first child they were carrying. Jai himself had his anxieties about taking the trip, but he decided that he would honour his wife’s wishes and push for their dream vacation to happen.

As it turned out, it was a great decision in more ways than one. Not only did the 10-day holiday turn out to be a wonderful time for the couple, but his wife enjoyed an amazing 10 days of perfect health, sans the morning sickness and vomiting, right from the time the plane touched down in India.

Jai’s feelings on the experience was that making the trip was essential, because he wanted help his wife feel great about being a pregnant mother, and he told us, “For a woman to enjoy her pregnancy, the husband plays a critical role to enable this.”

Up the Ante

Jai’s commitment went beyond supporting his wife through difficulties, he made it a conscious decision to be there for all the obstetric appointments that he could possibly attend, and also made it for all antenatal classes with his wife.

The one instance in which he could not make it to the obstetrics’, was one that he wistfully wishes that he did. His wife came home that day to tell him that the doctor announced the gender of their child that very afternoon.

When his wife told him that she wished he had been there to hear the news together with her, Jai realised how important these once-in-a-lifetime milestones are.

“It matters a lot to a woman for the husband to be there for her throughout the pregnancy” says Jai.

Being there for the antenatal classes was not only a commitment for Jai, but it also turned out to be helpful for him later on. Happily, he shared a positive observation that out of 20 pregnant women attending, 18 of them had their partners present.

Activities in these classes included learning to understand the wife’s emotions, and learning strategies to boost her mood - giving foot massages was one practical example.

B-Day

Early in the morning of 26 March 2010, Jai and his wife were in hospital for the birth of their firstborn child. At 4am, her birth canal was 3cm dilated. The medical crew anticipated that it would take another 7 hours to reach 10cm, the required level for a natural birth.

By 5:30am, the pain increased so much that they had to be sent to a labour ward. Jai’s wife had also forgotten all the lessons learnt in antenatal class, but because he was right next to her, he helped to monitor her breathing so that he could tell her when the worst pain was coming.

He also prompted her on when to use the gas mask to help with the pain, and this was crucial because whenever the pain would peak in its intensity, her hands would instinctively flail outward, bringing the gas mask away from her face.

Being there meant he could help his wife to make the best use of all the pain-relief options, and by 7:59am that morning, their son Nihal, was born.

The Greatest Reward

Knowing that they had successfully delivered their firstborn, Jai’s wife whispered a poignant message to him, “You have been very supportive of me, through these most intimate moments. I feel for those (women) who don’t have their husband next to them.”

At that moment, Jai had received the greatest reward – knowing that he had “fulfilled a husband’s role”. Reflecting on that moment, Jai told us that his ambition now is to hear his son speak words of a similar tone one day, “Dad, I couldn’t have done (it) without you.”

A New Life

Since Nihal’s birth, Jai learnt a few other lessons. He told us that he had always been unable to let go of his work, even while on leave. He would check e-mails, reply to colleagues and plan tasks for subordinates daily even when on vacation.

That changed when he took his paternity leave. For one whole week, Jai just about forgot that his work laptop was in his home. He did not feel even slightly compelled to think about work.

This was a turning point for him. He was able to let go, and completely focus on the things that really mattered to him – his family. The only thing he would have changed would have been to extend his leave.

“Once you become a father, you need to start bonding with your child, and you also need to continue supporting your wife,” said Jai.

Such support includes standing by your wife, because of the inevitable onslaught of advice and dosage of old wives’ tales dished out by well-meaning relatives. This can be very pressurising and confusing for a woman who is trying to recover from the physical and emotional ordeal of giving birth.

Jai believes that husbands must step in to provide room for their wives to mother their children in their own way. If necessary, husbands can fend off advice if there is too much of it thrown in their direction, especially as first-time parents. His tip for us is to lock yourself away in your room, using the tried and tested line, “We need to feed.”

A Smooth Road is Built on Sweat and Teamwork

Today, Jai is most proud of the fact that his wife did not suffer from any post-natal symptoms or depression. He firmly believes that this is due in large part to the fact that having their first child was a real team effort in the Prakash household.

Jai and his wife now continue to enjoy the journey and all its beautiful milestones together – Nihal’s first smile, his first giggle, and much much more.

Tips:

Jai’s picks of personal tips:

- Check out the BabyCentre website. Subscribe to it once your wife gets pregnant, and you’ll get useful information every week and in every stage of your child’s development.

- Go for all obstetric appointments; you will experience something precious each time.

- Try carrying the simulated baby (provided at antenatal classes), you will understand better what your wife is going through for the sake of having your child.

- Do something special for your wife. In Jai’s case, he knew that his wife wanted a baby shower, and so he arranged with her friends to organise one – they did a great job, and his wife was pretty happy!

 

Also Read: "When your wife's expecting".

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About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.

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