Singaporeans know him as the funnyman responsible for popular local blogsite mrbrown.com, as well as spoof podcasts such as the “Bak Chor Mee Episode”, but mrbrown – also known as Lee Kin Mun – is perfectly serious when it comes to his family.

“Life is like a pressure cooker but you have to see everything in perspective,” says mrbrown. “Love them for who they are!”

He attributes this conviction to his experience when his first child, Faith, 8, was diagnosed with autism at the age of one. He and his wife had to grapple with an atypical set of parenting challenges, from learning how to handle their daughter’s condition, to managing their own hopes and expectations as parents.

“When you have an autistic child, it’s hard to be kiasu*,” he explains. “Yes, grades are important, but it’s more important that your children are happy!”

Yet, he admits, it is not easy to care for an autistic child. “We’re not saints,” says mrbrown, “and sometimes she tested our limits of patience.” Nothing in his prior experience prepared him for the difficult balance between understanding that autism sometimes causes her to react involuntarily, and also disciplining her when she is deliberately being naughty.

This same balance between leniency and firm discipline is tested on a regular basis now that they have two more children – Isaac, 6, and Joy, 4. To deal with the inevitable wilful behaviour of the children, both he and his wife are firm when it comes to discipline.

For example, the children know that in order to protect their eyes, they are not allowed to stand too near the television. Once, when Isaac was standing next to the screen to watch television, mrbrown switched it off and did not give in to his son’s demands. At other times, he also uses the ‘time-out’ technique to discipline his children by sending them to a corner for a few minutes to calm down and reflect on their actions.

He prefers to teach by example and explain his actions, rather than to cane them, although he does sometimes hit them lightly on their backsides or their hands. “When you hit a child with full force, there will be diminishing returns,” he says, “but healthy fear is not a bad thing.” “The children must learn the right thing to do, and when you threaten certain punishments, you must follow through with them.”

It is obvious that mrbrown and his wife have spent much time reflecting on how best they can treat their three children and handle the dynamics between them. He acknowledges that his eldest child, Faith, will always have a special place in their hearts due to the amount of care she needs.

The youngest child also has the privilege of being the ‘baby of the family’. “It’s easy for Joy to get away with murder because she’s the youngest!” he jokes.

He knows it is hard for Isaac, the middle child, and they are careful not to neglect or overcompensate with him. It is one of mrbrown’s priorities that his children feel a sense of fairness when it comes to the way they are treated and disciplined.

However, rather than relying solely on punishment, mrbrown also believes in creating situations that minimize the need for discipline. For example, he rarely brings the children to shopping centres, preferring instead to have family outings to the swimming pool or park.

Bringing them shopping would mean having to reject their demands when they want too many things and dealing with their unhappiness, he explains.

He and his wife also practice ‘toy-rationing’ for their children. When their children receive toys during festive seasons, he will keep most of them and only give them a few of the new toys, which they then happily play with.

Once their interest wanes, he will then bring out another ‘new’ present for them. “It’s a win-win situation,” he grins. “They get to enjoy each toy fully” – and the children probably think he is one who buys them the gifts.

Interestingly, mrbrown’s thoughtful methods of teaching his children are rather different from what he experienced as a child. His own father was the “strong, silent type”, and he and his siblings were ‘latchkey kids’ as both his parents were often out at work. Yet, he strongly believes that parenting methods of the past should not be blindly replicated, because “last time, policemen wore shorts!”

In spite of his busy work schedule, he often makes the effort to get home by 9pm before the children sleep, or to wake at 5.30am before they head to school. He and his wife try not to work weekends, in order to spend time together as a couple and a family.

mrbrown also admits  he feels a special bond with his son Isaac. “You can play rough and tumble with boys!” – although he quickly points out that he prefers not to fix stereotypes. “We live in a modern feminist age, and the children are free to decide what they prefer,” he says. Yet, he feels sons need fathers in their lives to connect with the experience of being a boy.

The most ideal situation is for both parents to complement each other with similar parenting styles and values, mrbrown feels. “As parents, we should not supersede each other’s instructions to the kids, and there should be a collective hands-on nurturing.” Of course mistakes are inevitable, he says, but this is “on-the-job training”, and most importantly, parents just need to love their children. “Every child is different. Just love them for who they are.”

 

*Kiasu means to be afraid of losing or lagging behind

 

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About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.

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