A Generation of Physically Present but Distant Dads

Many of us who’ve grown up in a traditional Asian home can describe our father as a “strict, serious, no-nonsense man”. It seems that being emotionally distant yet firmly loving and responsible was the way that men of previous generations were brought up to father. This is unlike modern fathers who share in the caregiving duties, and who make time to throw a ball and play with his child.

Ismail Jalil* who is in his 40s described his traditional father this way, “He was always there but he hardly ever spoke to us. If he were to say “sit”, me and all my siblings would scramble to sit immediately. All of us feared him and hoped for a simple nod from him as a mark of his approval.”

Why Your Adult Relationship with Your Father Is an Unfinished Business

In the recent Dads for Life contest in which men write about The Joy of Being There with their children, Isaiah Kuan said that after decades of being emotionally distant from his father, it still feels awkward to affirm or thank him through a physical touch.

This, Isaiah discovered when his father brought him a packet of his favourite food. Isaiah contrasted his polite “thanks!” with what his daughter had done for him only moments before when presented with a candy bar - the girl unabashedly embraced him to express her gratitude.  This made him realise that there was room for him to work on in his relationship with his Dad.

“I totally regret that moment,” he wrote, “If there is such a chance for me again, I will give my dad a great big hug.”

The good news is, though it may be awkward, it is still possible to not just hug, but completely close the generation gap with your dad.

The key is to be aware that regardless of your age and the fact that you've already taken the role of a dad, you'll need to embrace what you've received from your father. It may include coming to terms with what you needed but didn’t receive from your father; how you had been strengthened and wounded by that relationship; and how it may be influencing your own fathering style and identity as a man.

According to Samuel Osherson, author of Finding Our Fathers: How a Man's Life Is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father, fathers have been overlooked for too long, by their own sons, as well as by psychologists and others analyzing the family:

"I am convinced that the psychological as well as physical absence of fathers from their families is one of the great underestimated tragedies of our times. I believe there is a considerable sense of loss hidden within men, which has to do with their fathers. The sense of loss extends into adulthood, as many sons try to resolve their guilt, shame, and anger at their fathers in silent, hidden, ambivalent ways.

Some of their relationships with their fathers shape in subtle ways how they respond to their wives and children. At home, some men become determined to avoid the passivity they saw in their fathers. Many strive to be different from their fathers, while also unconsciously trying to live up to his image.

It can be hard for a father to give to his sons the things he didn't get from his father, even now, when more men want - and have permission to do it."

As such, reflecting on and resolving the issues in your relationship with your father, may be a good step forward in your fatherhood journey.

How Fatherhood Changed a Son’s Thoughts towards His Distant Dad

"My father was there physically but not emotionally. Now that I have a baby girl, even our father- son relationship has improved,” - Isaiah Kuan

In the same Dads for Life Contest, Julian Seah wrote of his past angst towards his father when harshly disciplined by him. His story is a triumphant one as he provides this real-life testimony of how becoming a father himself made him realise that his own father had loved him all this while and wanted the best for him.

Julian wrote: "There were times when I wondered why I was punished so badly, beaten to within an inch of my life. Now that I'm a father, I realize that my dad loved me and meant well. I learned how easy it is to anger over a child's misdeeds. I do love my son very much and want the best for him. I hope my son will forgive me for my angry words as I'd forgiven my dad. I simply want to be there for him, no matter what he does, in times of joy, achievements, mischief, misdeeds, sorrow and pain."

These words of hope and courage would not have been possible had Julian continued to harbour resentment and bitterness towards his dad.

Initiatives Dads Can Take to Close that Gap

Make time to spend alone with your dad

A simple lunch appointment at a location near your workplace in the midst of the busyness of your work day can make your father feel loved, accepted and appreciated by you. Fathers are very proud of their sons and are often glad to be seen with him in a public restaurant or café.

Ask leading questions that may help you discover more about your father and his past

Your father may have silently observed you all your life, and know more about you than you know about yourself.

But, as his son, you did not have the opportunity to watch him grow and be shaped by life's circumstances. Ask your father about your family history, the impactful experiences that he had been through, and the important decisions that he had to make. When you understand your father and the forces that had shaped him to be who he is today, you'll better understand yourself and your children too.

Seek his advice when making major decisions for your family

Perhaps you had never known the rationale behind the decisions that your father had made for his family. You may be surprised at the wisdom that Dad had kept hidden in his inner man. Though your values may be vastly different from his today, he'll appreciate being asked, and you may just discover good advice.

Make use of opportunities to affirm him with more than just words

If you appreciate something your father does, for example he buys your favourite food, or performs any other act that is of service to you, thank him with a physical touch or a hug. It may surprise him at first, but it will shatter the "glass wall" and break him into the warmest smile.

*Not his real name.

Reference:

Samuel Osherson (2001), Finding Our Fathers : How a Man's Life Is Shaped by His Relationship with His Father, McGraw-Hill.

 

Submit your own dad story here and we will do our best to publish it.

---

About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.

---

Back to Listing