Reinventing Family Relationships

When tennis coach Tan TC split from his ex-wife, his son and daughter were just preschoolers. It was, needless to say, a painful transition. This transition was all the more challenging given the distinct and undeniably circumscribed parenting role as a divorced dad.

However, as with other major life events, divorce reinvents family relationships and one's own sense of fatherhood, and he has “learnt to cherish small joys that other fathers may sometimes take for granted”.

These include talking to his now-teenage children about their hobbies and interests, and receiving an unexpected request from them to pick them up from school and have a meal together.

Dad, Every Day of the Year

He recalls with fondness a recent phone call he received mid-week. His daughter, whom he describes as having a shy and quiet personality, called to ask him to pick her up from school, and suggested they have dinner at a restaurant serving her favourite Korean cuisine.

While there was nothing extraordinary about their meal, her call came as a welcome surprise and rare opportunity to spend the evening together, as he typically gets to sees his children only during the weekend. He says that these cherished moments help make more bearable the sometimes-painful reality of not seeing your kids grow up day-to-day.

Like many divorced dads, TC describes the drastic reduction in the time spent with his children, and the challenges of navigating access to the children and co-parenting in general as the biggest struggle he experienced after divorce.

Beyond these major adjustments, however, not much changes, or should change, says TC. Indeed, throughout the interview, TC was reluctant to categorise his fatherhood experience as unique.

Rather, he repeatedly emphasised the sustained role and responsibilities he feels he should assume as a father, albeit a divorced one, living apart from his children.

Today, he tries to keep weekends with the kids as free from work as possible, even though those are often the more lucrative times for a tennis coach. He recognises that as teenagers, they are at the stage where they are actively engaged in their own interests and hobbies.

So he tries to bond with them over activities they enjoy, such as getting acquainted with the Korean heartthrobs his daughter is a fan of, or the videogames his son plays.

Describing his fatherhood style, TC says he tries to be both a parent and friend to his children. “I talk to them about what they are going through, and try to be supportive and to provide guidance, rather than being strict or restrictive when they embark on new experiences, such as dating, for example.”

The Real Value of Relationships

Nonetheless, TC says he is still an “Asian parent at heart”. “I don’t believe in liberal parenting. I think that parents must set and enforce limits for their children.” On this note, he stands firm on the importance of teaching them and role modelling what some may regard as traditional “Asian values”, such as the importance of family and respect for elders.

He is certain that, partly as a result of this emphasis, his children have learnt that weekends are a time for family, and an opportunity for them to visit not just their father, but also their grandparents, who live with TC.

He is also comforted that they have also learnt to value the father-children relationship above less important things like material wealth and goods. Indeed, TC is grateful that his children are sensitive to the fact that his modest income means some material wants have to be forgone.

Like any other teenagers, they may from time to time covet the latest pair of shoes or clothing. But it is a testimony to his focus on imbuing in his children a respect for the things that matter that they see these as far less important conditions of his relationship with them than the abundant love and support he tries to provide.

Anchors for Father-Child Bonding

These anchors for the father-child relationship must be set early to weather an upheaval like divorce, advises TC. Far from considering himself a perfect father, he nonetheless feels that an active role from the beginning helps.

“Get involved, whether in bathing, feeding, or disciplining them when they are young and showering them with as much love as you have to offer, so that you build a strong relationship and maintain a presence from the start,” he says.

Do Whatever is Within Your Means

TC also encourages other divorced dads, who may sometimes feel like the odds of successful parenting are stacked against them, to persevere for the sake of the children. He recounts a rather unremarkable episode when he had brought his kids out for ice-cream, and had stepped out of the ice-cream parlour to take a phone call. When he returned, he found his daughter panic-stricken, in tears and in fear that he had left them behind.

This incident crystallised for him the vulnerability to feelings of abandonment that children in general, but especially those of divorced parents, may experience. For this reason, TC says, “no matter how trying or painful a divorce may be, and regardless of the choices you make, do whatever is within your means to make the children feel like they are worth the effort.”

 

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About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.

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