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Q: Our son is not a bad child. He excels in school and is a role model to others. But my husband seems to have forgotten how to communicate with him, and that he’s just a 7-year-old who’s cheeky and throws tantrums at times.

I’ve tried to advise my husband to use a gentler tone of voice as opposed to a scolding and lecturing one. Unfortunately, this has caused our relationship to hit the rocks as we argue over how to discipline our children. Our bickers do escalate to unhealthy threats and I'm accused of being an over-protective Mum.

Has my husband forgotten that just 7 years ago, he was holding our son proudly in his arms in the hospital Operating Theatre?

A: Thank you for writing to us. We believe that your husband and son are communicating, albeit not too healthily. Unfortunately, your way of trying to solve the problem may cause more problems such as your marriage relationship hitting the rocks. It may be more helpful to try another way.

May we suggest that it’s first useful to try to establish what is your husband’s expectations of your son, and what is the outcome that your husband is looking for. We suspect that he values respect and believes that children should do what they are told. Thus, he may not approve of your son’s tantrums.

One way to elicit your husband’s expectations is to ask him about his dreams for your son when he first held him at the hospital. Currently, your husband may be perceiving that you are allowing tantrums which he may interpret as a threat to his values.

Perhaps you have similar values and dreams for your son that you share with your husband. Will you be able to validate your husband in this regard? In this way, both you and your husband can renew your alliance to work towards a common goal.

This will cause your husband to be less defensive too which may pave the way for him to reflect and acknowledge that his ways may not be achieving the desired outcomes. Together, we’re sure you can come out with more creative ways. Men tend to be ‘lecturing’ when they feel they have not been heard.

May we also suggest that you, your husband and son seek advice at a nearby Family Service Centre. It may be easier to get your husband’s support if it is put across as having a discussion at the FSC as opposed to getting counselling help.

Q: My wife is always so good with the kids. What are some things I can do to make my time with them special?

A: As dads, we can be very good at assuming everything will be okay. But a little forward planning can be crucial.

• Never too late to start. One of the most important things you can do for your child is to make time for them. I really hope that my son remembers that I listened to his worries when he was six and then he might just talk to me at sixteen.
• I’ve learned that only giving my kids the dregs of my time at the end of the day can cause a breakdown. As a dad, I need to listen when they need to talk.
• Kids are copycats. My kids learn how to treat other people – and themselves – by copying me or their mum, whether we intend to teach them or not.
• It’s important to teach our kids to respect others and themselves, and the best way we can do this is by showing them love. If they know they’re loved unconditionally, they’ll feel less pressure to impress their peers and won’t rely on their friends’ opinion for their sense of value.

(Adapted from Richard Hardy - Care for the Family)

Q: As a father I feel like I need to push my children to excel. How can I encourage them to do their best while still letting them know how much I love them no matter what their success?

A: All children need to know that they are valued. Valued for being who they are, not for what they can achieve.

• Do emphasise their good points. Even if they perform badly at school and in sport, they are individuals and are sure to have many good points. Let them know what those are!
• Don’t compare them with others. They are comparing themselves all the time – they don’t need your help!
• Do listen to what they have to say. If you laugh at them or make fun of their opinions, they are less likely to open up to you next time. And if they come to you with a problem, however minor it appears to you, sit down and take them seriously.
• Don’t criticise more than you praise. Children are built up by praise and will go on doing what they are praised for - to get more praise! If they are criticised all the time, they are more likely to go on doing what they are criticised for. At least that way they get attention.
• Do spend quality time with them, individually. Have a special Saturday morning breakfast in a café, or go to see a movie - just the two of you.
• Don’t miss school open days, exhibitions, sports days, unless it is impossible for you to be there. If you have to give up something to go to their school, your child will notice that, appreciate it, and know you have put them first. Attempt to do all this, and your child’s self-esteem will soar

(Adapted from Care for the Family)

* All advice given is based on the questions raised by readers and on available information of their situations as provided by them. Dads for Life recommends that you seek the help of a social service professional for more comprehensive and customised advice should the issue persist.

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