A Wonderful Journey

Expecting a child is a journey that both the mother and father should go through together. While the pregnant wife is the focus of attention, expecting a child can stimulate feelings of both fear and hope in the first time Dad as he may be unsure of what will come as he embarks on this new journey.

Leonard Boulanger, a clinical social worker and fatherhood specialist for the Visiting Nurse Association and Hospice of Vermont and New Hampshire has this to say: "In the whole process, the father feels that he is being ignored. Getting involved early and at every level, not only makes things easier for the mother, but it also keeps you from feeling left out ⁽¹⁾.

Thus, the expectant father should – as soon as possible – get educated about what is ahead from the many resources available, whether online, in books or through medical professionals. Tapping on these as sources will offer a growing understanding of the expectant dad’s role and how he could support his spouse throughout all stages of the pregnancy.

The First Trimester (1-12 weeks)

The first trimester is a key stage and arguably the most trying period for both the expectant mum and dad. For the expectant dad, the most common concerns are about the health of the wife and baby, and what type of father he will be.

Be prepared that the pregnant wife is likely to experience morning sickness, sleeplessness, mood swings, fatigue and changes in eating habits. As such, a Dad-to-be may find his lifestyle affected and sometimes may feel frustrated to find his wife not behaving like her “usual” self. Rather than fret about these many changes, the Dad-to-be should physically and emotionally support his wife through them.

Some dads may have worries about providing for the family. In a society where we tend to value men's financial contributions, it’s natural to be concerned about how having a baby affects the family’s finances, such as the need for a larger house or apartment, a new car or the expenses incurred when the baby arrives.

Marcus Jacob Goldman, MD, Associate Clinical Professor, Tufts University School of Medicine, emphasises that the most important way to prevent the strain of financial concerns is to have an honest and open relationship with the wife ⁽²⁾. Thus it is good to plan early so that crucial things can be worked out over the nine months of pregnancy.

 

• Take walks with your wife
• Go with your wife for doctor’s visits
• Talk with other fathers to find out more
• Read up on books on pregnancy and parenting

 

The Second Trimester (13-27 weeks)

This trimester is also known as the Honeymoon Phase ⁽³⁾, as much of first trimester’s discomfort and hormone-related symptoms such as morning sickness and fatigue will likely have subsided.

This can be an exciting time for the Dad-to-be. Studies show that babies in the womb can hear outside noises (and voices) as early as the 14th week. In addition, the expectant dad will have a chance to hear the baby's heartbeat, and possibly see the baby through ultrasound scans.

At the same time however, tension in sexual relationships often occurs during the second trimester. ⁽⁴⁾ For some women, their sexual arousal can be intensified, while for others it can diminish. Thus a Dad-to-be should understand that his partner’s responses may be driven by the changes of hormones.

Often for pregnant women, human connection through touch is vital, and engaging in loving sex results in mental benefits for the Mum-to-be and feelings of deeper emotional connection with the husband.

Also at this stage, it is not unusual for a dad-to-be to feel a little left out as mum-to-be and the visible “bump” hog the limelight ⁽⁵⁾. To not feel neglected, a dad-to-be can get more involved by decorating the nursery, discussing the birth plans, and finding out if there is flexible paternity leave at the work place.

Financial concerns may also increase during this trimester, but once again, early discussion with the spouse and planning ahead will ease the concerns.

Some Practical Tips

 

The Third Trimester (28–42 weeks)

The physical changes the pregnant wife goes through will intensify during the last trimester with her weight becoming burdensome and discomforts may return.

She may often suffer from swollen ankles, fatigue, constipation and hemorrhoids. Everything will become tedious: walking, standing and even sitting ⁽⁶⁾. The expectant dad should bear in mind that this will have an effect on the wife’s psychological state.

Some expectant dads may feel distress with their wives’ need for increased help during the final month. Some even report symptoms similar to those of their partner such as weight gain, lethargy, and other somatic type complaints. This is commonly known as “sympathetic pregnancy” or “couvade syndrome”⁽⁷⁾.

But take comfort that soon, many of the other somatic issues will likely resolve themselves.

This is also the time when the nesting instinct– the powerful urge pregnant women get to clean and prepare the house for the arrival of the baby, kicks in ⁽⁸⁾. Often, the urge intensifies as the due date nears.

When attending to all the final preparations, it is natural that anxiety over the arrival of the baby will intensify at this stage. Therefore, it is a good time to get support from friends, family, colleagues, or the dads in your prenatal class.

The road to fatherhood may be challenging and even daunting with lots to expect, but it’s also a journey of a lifetime that the father-to-be would treasure.

Some Practical Tips

 

• Help out more around the house
• Get nursery and baby essentials ready
• Discuss your role during and after birth
• Participate in prenatal and childbirth classes

 

Two Dad-to-be Stories

Badrul Izhan Yeop Abdullh shares his story,

“The first trimester was the most trying period,” says Badrul Izhan Yeop Abdullh, a 35-year old dad of a newborn and a one-year-old. “My wife’s mood swings were un-thought of, and the cravings too! And I didn’t expect the number of supplements she had to take!”

Badrul says his social life became almost non-existent although they did get to go out when his wife was up to it.  But through it all, his relationship with his wife and their parents became closer. “I guess being an expectant dad, my parents finally see it in me as being a grown up,”

Badrul advises expectant dads to enjoy the ups and downs of the nine months.  “Don’t feel sorry for yourself whenever the wife scolds you or blames you for anything. What the wives go through, we can only imagine. At the end of it, you’ll know that it’s worth it!” he quips.

Raymond Chia shares his story,

“The most important thing is to participate in and go through the pregnancy phase with your wife together,” says Raymond Chia, 38. “Go for the pre-natal class with your wife. Spend time to read up more on pregnancy so that you can understand what your wife is going through and be ready to give moral and emotional support whenever she needs them.”

Chia, whose first son was born in April 2009, says he tried his best to take away as much stress from his wife by reading up on preparing for the child’s arrival and listing things to buy for the baby. He looked at books and the Internet, and spoke to friends who had become recent new dads.

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References:

1. Downs, Martin F. (2010) An Expectant Dad’s Guide to Pregnancy, retrieved on February 20, 2010.
2. Goldman, Marcus Jacob, MD (2000) The Joy of Fatherhood: The First Twelve Month, from Advice For Expectant Father, retrieved on February 20, 2010.
3. Trimester Cheat Sheet, retrieved on February 20, 2010.
4. Dunsford, James (2010) Benefits of Sex During Pregnancy, retrieved on February 10, 2010.
5. Dr Russell, Graeme and White, Tony (2005) First-Time Father, from Expectant Dad Survival Guide retrieved on February 20, 2010.
6. Pregnancyadmin (2009) Your Role As Expectant Father, retrieved on February 20, 2010, 2010.
7. Weiss, Robin Elise (2010) Couvade Syndrome, Sympathetic Pregnancy, About.com Guide, retrieved on February 20, 2010.
8. Pregnancyadmin (2009) Your Role As Expectant Father, retrieved on February 20, 2010, 2010.

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About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.

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