“Daddy, when will you be back?”

“Daddy, when will you be back?” Esther asks, choking back her tears.  “In two weeks’ time,” BK replies. “Come give daddy a big hug.” Esther leans toward BK, hugs him tightly, not wanting to let go. Her eyes are now red; tears streaming down.

They say their final goodbyes. She watches BK walk towards the gate in the airport departure hall.
This was a typical scene when BK first took on a Store Manager role in Taipei; his wife, son Joshua, 10 and daughter Esther, 6, remained in Singapore.

BK worked ten days at a stretch and spent his four off-days in Singapore. His daughter, whom he doted on, missed him dearly.  As such, it was difficult for both of them. 
But over time, Esther learnt that BK would come back as promised.  She was assured of his love and eventually she cried less.

Challenges Travelling Dads Face

In Singapore, there are many travelling dads, that is fathers who need to travel in their jobs.  It may be for ad-hoc business conferences and meetings, or regular trips overseas due to regional or global responsibilities.  It may also due to a military deployment, or in the case of BK, taking on a job overseas.

The obvious challenge for a travelling dad is not being physically present when he is travelling.  In addition, his family’s ability to reach him may be constrained by geographical distance, time zone differences or communication infrastructure.

A travelling dad may be “absent” during his travels, in the sense that he is not physically in the same location as his family. Nevertheless, this does not make him an “Absentee Dad”.

Ms Chong Cheh Hoon, a counsellor with Focus on the Family, Singapore, explained that an absentee dad is alienated from his children’s significant life events, as well as not “clued-in” to their life needs. Absentee dads are unfortunately, unable to command their children’s respect, to be a role model in their lives.

She said that having to travel for work, does not make someone an absentee dad. Instead, the opposite can be true. That is, travelling dads can remain involved and connected with his children. In fact, in some cases, a travelling dad can even be more “clued in” and involved than a dad who spends all his time in the office and emotionally detached from the children.

“It is possible for a travelling dad to remain involved.  He just needs to find creative ways to be involved.  It takes intentional effort.  It requires conscious time management. ” said Ms Chong.

Practical Solutions: Plan & Manage Your Time

As such, here are some creative ways you can stay involved in your spouse and children’s lives. ⁽²⁾

Before your trip

• Get organised. Find ways to minimise travelling or commuting time to shorten the duration of your trip.  Avoid missing important events such as birthdays, anniversaries and the first day of school.

• Get the children involved in your business trip. Share with them where you’re going and how long you will be away.  Help them understand why the trip is necessary for your work.
TJ, a market analyst, travels one to two times a month, for five to six days each time. Before he makes the trip, he tries to make it fun for his four-year old daughter, Rosleen. “I use a globe to point to her where I am going,” says TJ

• Start a countdown for the little ones. Cross out on the calendar days before you are back.  Predictability gives a child security. TJ says, “I get my wife to help with the countdown.”

• Establish a before-trip ritual. Some families have dinner together. Some go shopping together for travel essentials. Some pray together. Do whatever works for your family.

While you are away

• Call home often, a few minutes every day if you can even just to say “Hello” or “I love you”. Keep abreast of what’s happening at home. Ask your children about homework and anything interesting that happened. Update them on the cities you’re in, people you’re meeting and interesting things about the country.

• Find ways to communicate using short messages via the mobile phone. Go online for instant messaging. Make video calls. Use social media. Jerome, a marketing director in the air travel industry says, “I send sms when I can to my 12-year old daughter, Chloe.”

“If possible, I use Yahoo Instant Messenger’s voice facilities to talk to her. This allows me to hear more about what happen that day or whatever is on her mind,” says Jerome.

• Take photos of places or interesting food to show the children when you’re back.

• Buy souvenirs from the country you’re in.

When away for more than two weeks

• Schedule regular “face sessions”. Make video calls so the family can see you and vice versa.  Consider leaving the video session on after work so you can be virtually connected as a family.

You can even help your children with their homework during a video call session while your wife is busy with household chores.  BK shares, “Once my wife had to run an errand and I “babysat” Esther, and helped her with her spelling.”

• Send postcards, letters or gifts with love notes especially for children whose primary love language is to receive gifts or something tangible. Such children appreciate presents, postcards of the hotel you are staying in, or even an interesting pebble you find on the road. ⁽³⁾

• Plan for the family to visit you if it’s feasible. Make it a family holiday. It’ll also allow them to understand the nature of your work and where you are based.

During the week you are back

• Take over some of the chores that your wife has been shouldering, especially those that involve spending time with the children.

For example, drive the children to and from home and school or tuition classes; help with their schoolwork; help your wife with grocery shopping or running errands; take the family out for meals; read with them before bedtime and tuck them into bed.

• Plan to do something as a family. Go to the movies. Share about interesting events that happened while you were away.  Share stories about people you met and show them photos of places you’ve been to.

• Spend time alone with your wife. She needs your attention too. Listen to her share what is on her mind. Show appreciation for taking on the added load in caregiving while you are away. Reconnect with each other ⁽¹⁾.

• Take time to spend some “alone-time” with each child. Plan to do something that the child enjoys. For example take your girl swimming or play a ball game with your son.  In the least, just take ten minutes to read with your toddler child or cuddle up before bedtime.

Love is spelled T-I-M-E when it comes to children ⁽⁴⁾. No expensive toy you buy can ever substitute the time you give your children.  With the right priorities and better time management, a travelling dad can remain involved and be available to the children, even while on the road.

References:

1. Chong, Cheh Hoon (2010), The Commuter Couple Survival Guide, Focus on the Family, Singapore

2. 20 Long Distance Activities for Dads at a Distance, retrieved on 20 April 2010

3. Chapman, Gary, The 5 Love Languages, retrieved on 25 April 2010

4. Grant, Wilson Wayne (1983), The Caring Father, Broadman Press (article found in  1993 booklet Taking Time Out To Be Dad by Focus on the Family)