Be Aware 
Laundry List for Parents
15 May 2010 - Life for parents in Singapore can seem overwhelming. When we examine common family concerns, we see ever growing lists of complex requirements for anything and everything to do with domestic life: for the children - infantcare, playgroup, nursery, enrichment, formal schooling, CCAs, tutors, and more; for the family - the 5Cs, or even the 10Cs*, birthdays, family days, holidays, sick days and exam days.
What, me worry?
It is therefore no surprise that many of Singapore’s pragmatically oriented male minds would find good reasons to avoid a team endeavour such as parenthood, seeing that it would certainly add to the already long catalog of concerns in the everyday (single) life of a typical Singaporean male. If our apparently alarming birthrate statistics are to be believed, endeavors to be avoided these days more often include getting married and starting a family.
In that vein, I pen the thoughts of a Singaporean would-be father/ partner in parenting. For the record, we (there is no ‘I’ in ‘team’) are newlyweds just getting underway on our journey toward parenthood. By getting underway, I mean that we have walked the aisle and tied the symbolic knot, which in our society creates expectations of pitter-pattering, graveyard shift diaper changes, some random cooing, and quite commonly, chronic adult angst.
Did I mention we plan to have kid(s)?
When in doubt, quote an expert
Hans Rosling, a Swedish international health professor and public statistics advocate, recently commented that Singapore frets over a baby shortage because the situation threatens its economic survival. But he points out that we should be more concerned that our falling total fertility rate (TFR) shows poor gender equity, which is an indicator of social progress.1
He said, ‘A fertility rate of 1.23 children per woman indicates that life is not optimal for young women in Singapore. You can gather from that that Singapore women have to make a choice, either to have children or to have an active professional career.’ Professor Rosling attributed the sacrifice that women have to make to the fact that would-be fathers here are not pulling their weight in the task of child-rearing. He said all this just last week.
Perhaps it is my fault for being sensitive, but the professor’s comments seem critical of Singapore dads. Happily, our government (and primary source of validation) is not with him on this one.
Statistics from the Fatherhood Public Perception Survey reveals that the gap between how many of us think fatherhood is important (97%), and how many fathers play an active role in parenting (84%) is just 13%. While my math might not be sound, 84% does not sound like a figure that justifies a “not carrying your weight” lecture.
That is not to say Singapore fathers should pat yourselves on the back either.
It turns out that the Nordic professor isn’t the only one who has given such feedback about Singapore fathers who lack in active contribution. Straits Times writer Andy Chen wrote last year:
“If more fathers behaved like mothers, married women would probably be inclined to give birth to six kids each. Every mum, by my estimation, can look after at least three kids on her own and might even be willing to do so.
But Singapore’s fertility rate is at an all-time low of 1.23 because many fathers’ total contribution to child-raising is probably a negative figure.”
Eye-witness account
Despite all the brickbats, real and perceived, I personally have observed that fathers in Singapore (at least those who dare to venture out in public with tots in tow) generally do a swell job as partner-parent.
Even in the highly secret confines of the male lavatory, you can find fathers doing their toilet duty with junior and missy. Sure, they shout encouragements, “Boy, make sure you don’t run out before you wash your hands… with SOAP!” But I honestly state that I can hear the love in their voice as they struggle in the cubicle with toilet paper and zippers.
The point is…
So guys, we shouldn’t be intimidated by the laundry list that accompanies starting a family. This is our chance to be part of a team, a team whose heart will produce something of lasting value, not only to society and Singapore’s TFR, as the cliché goes, but something of value to ourselves as we discover a worthy use for blood, sweat and collective tears.
And in this team, it’s not really true that there is no ‘I’. After all, without the ‘I’, marriage would just be mar(r) age. Fathers do have a significant and active role to play, provided we use our tools. Fatherhood imparts paternal instinct, which you can explore in our article on
Having said that, I still feel we must choose our teammate wisely. The survey tells us so.2
*In Singapore-speak, the traditional 5Cs refer to ‘car, condo, cash, credit card and country club; while the alternative 5Cs refer to ‘caring, concern, compassion, courteousness and civility’.
1The Straits Times, 12 May 2010
2Fatherhood Public Perception Survey 2009: “Strong marital relationships - and mothers’ encouragement – are critical supports for active fatherhood”
About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.
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