The Step-family

The Step-family is an accepted norm in the wake of rising divorces and remarriage. In US alone, half the marriages end in divorce with 75% remarrying, and sadly, 60% of all re-marriages ending in yet another divorce.

Family experts believe that half of the population in the US are now, and will be involved in the new family composite of stepparents, stepchildren, stepsiblings or some other members of a step-family.
 
In Singapore, the year 2008 saw 7, 200 divorces with the median age for male and female divorcees hovering around the 36 years age range. Extrapolating from these stats, it’s not too far-fetched to conclude that when these divorcees remarry, they would have had their children from their first marriage in tow. 

Something New, Something Old

How do you combine separate households under one roof by accommodating differing views and triggering stress? Many step-parents often make the first mistake of trying too hard to fit and merge everyone and everything in.

The simple answer is this: Don’t even try. You fit in what you can and when you do, be content and stay grateful for the small triumphs along the way.
 
In short, aim for cordial harmony in the home rather than perfect peace. There is no need to blend the different members of family just to fit them snugly into a singular identity. Merging the old and the new members in a step-family does take time, effort and lots of patient understanding.
 
A single mum once explained her experience as such, “A step-family is somewhat like oil and water. You can mix us up but eventually we tend to settle back to our original positions. This settling is normal and okay.” 

Love Me, Love My Children

For a start, step-dads do well to remember this: Do not try and replace the role of the biological father by assuming that your step-children must accord you the same trust and love from the start. Likewise, your wife would have expected you to have a “buy-in” for her kids especially when it’s a contractual deal that comes along with “for better for worse.”
 
An effective step-dad starts with showing acceptance and a strong self-identity that can weather all the challenges and changes that come hurling your way. Kids who are transplanted and placed in your care may not take too kindly to your presence or even resent you for the fact that you have intruded into their family of origin. This is the key to fine tuning the dynamics of a multiple family equation without capsizing the family or a newly launched marriage from the start. 

The Glue that Binds 

Co-parenting with your wife takes skillful compromise and negotiation to work around step-kids who are burning with hurt and confusion. They tend to view remarriage as loss rather than gain.

At worst, they withdraw emotions and affections to retaliate against the pain and betrayal brought on by divorcing parents.
 
Your challenge as a step-dad is to aim for friendship over authority with your step-kids without coming across as being too permissive. When the going gets tough, try not to personalize negative vibes or insults as “put-me downers.”

Size up each situation with wisdom and refract rudeness with humour by gently reminding everyone that respect is the glue that binds a family together.
 
Here are some suggestions to surviving the initial rough ride down the step-parenting trail.
 
a. Mourning loss and coping with changes- Don’t exact a timetable to get everyone including your spouse, to heal from old wounds and be on the same page as you. Keep expectations real and simple.

b. Set goals as a family- Merging two households can be less daunting if all can huddle together to set new goals, dreams and hopes in creating a family map and strategy for success.

c. Actions speak louder than words- Don’t settle for flattery to win votes from your step-children. You will come across as insincere and not trustworthy when your actions do not match your words. 

d. Respecting- the members of this new family regardless of the emotions attached to them. You may not feel like loving a rude rebellious teen but you can choose to care for his well-being by being there.

e. Love in progress- Love cannot be manufactured on the spot; expect to earn your rights before you get hugged in return for your effort.

f. Visitation rights- Don’t fight over holiday and weekend plans. Set up a mutual calendar to factor in joint and separate holidays, and do take into consideration the children’s wishes.

g. The Former Spouse- Much as you may disapprove of their biological dad’s shortcomings, do not badmouth and create divided loyalties in the children by playing up to favorites.

h. Discipline- New kids on the block need clear, consistent house rules and boundaries when entering a new environment. Be firm and fair without the drill downs of a sergeant major dad.

i. Conflict Management- Keep power play and manipulation in place without jeopardizing your marriage. It’s hard to maintain sanity when you have to laugh and sob through the highs and lows of managing the emotional upheavals from the kids.

Above all, you can be the stabilizer in the family when you model a strong and loving husband to your wife and by giving your marriage priority time, and making sure that it works this time round.