Any father might wonder at times what role he should play in his family. Fathers in blended families probably have even more questions.

Is the role I play with my stepchildren different from the one my partner plays with them? Is it different from the role I play with my own children? What role should my partner play with my kids? If we have children together, will we treat them differently from the others? How can I get my stepchildren to listen to me? These are good questions and it’s not easy to give simple answers.

But let’s start at the beginning. Any time a man is unsure about the sort of fathering role he should play, it’s always good to go right back to basics. What do children need? The roles that fathers play – and there are several – are directly related to the needs of children.

What All Kids Need

What children need from parents can vary depending on their age, personality and family circumstances. However, there are certain basic things that all children need. Here’s how they link up with the roles fathers can play.

Child’s Need	Father’s Role
The Necessities of Life: All children need food, clothing, water, a roof over their heads and basic care that keeps them clean and healthy. If they don’t have these, the finer details of parenting won’t matter much.	The Provider Father: The Provider Father works to help make sure his children have the necessities of life; sometimes he looks after his children so his partner can work to support the family. These days, most people think fathers should play other roles beside provider. But it is still one of the essential ways to contribute to children’s well-being.
Care and Comfort: Children need to be well cared for and they need to know that adults will look after them.	The Nurturing Father: A Nurturing Father takes part in the daily care of his children. He feeds them, helps them get dressed, changes diapers, gives baths, and makes sure their teeth are brushed. He drives older children to activities. He comforts his children, helping them to feel better when they are upset.
Human Interaction: Children learn how to be part of our social world by relating to other people – talking, asking questions and copying what other people do. That starts with their parents.	The Interactive Father: An Interactive Father makes his children part of his life. He talks to them, plays with them, reads them stories and takes them along for trips to the hardware store or park. This helps children to understand and communicate with others, learn about the culture and values of their families and learn the little unwritten rules that guide our behaviour in society.
Guidance, Teaching and Protection: Children also need to learn about the world we live in – where they can go, what they can touch, what places, people and activities are safe and which are not safe.	The Responsible Father: The Responsible Father is a teacher who watches and supervises his children to keep them safe. He shows them how to do things: how to wash their hands, catch a ball, ride a bike or set the dinner table. He uses positive discipline to help his children learn how to behave and how their actions affect others.
To be Important to Someone: Children need to know that they belong – that they are part of something bigger than themselves and that they are very important in their parents’ lives.	The Committed Father: The Committed Father shows his children how important they are to him. And no matter what else he might be doing, whether he is with his children or not, he keeps his fatherhood responsibilities in mind.
Warmth and Love: Whatever else children need, they need to be loved – not only told they are loved but shown love through the way parents touch them and talk to them. Research has shown that parents’ affection not only helps children to feel good about themselves, it is necessary for normal brain development.	The Affectionate Father: The Affectionate Father shows his love in various ways – by carrying, cuddling and hugging his kids, by wrestling with them playfully or calling them pet names. As children mature and may not want to be touched as often, he finds new ways to show his affection.

The Unique Needs of Children in Blended Families

Here are some of the special needs of stepchildren:

Time to Adjust

Children depend on parents to look after their needs. However, it often takes a while before they can accept a stepparent in this role. Don’t take it personally if a child doesn’t seem to accept your love and support at first.
Good relationships with their original parents

When a blended family comes about as the result of a new relationship after divorce or separation, it’s best if children can continue to have good relationships with both of their parents. This may not always be possible, but when it is (most of the time), it helps if both parents respect and support each other’s relationship with the children.

Your Understanding That It’s Hard for Them

Earlier we said that it’s hard to be a father in a blended family. Well, it’s hard to be a stepkid too. Children may need to get used to new people, a new home, new schedules and new sets of rules. If they live in two homes, you can double the number of things they have to deal with, and then add the disruption and extra complication involved in moving back and forth. Children who experienced the death of a parent may still be grieving. Bottom line: don’t expect blended family life to be easy for children. Try as you might, you can’t make it all better. But whether you are the biological parent or the stepparent, you can show your kids that you understand that what your family is going through is hard and that you’re not mad at them for finding it difficult.

“I want to go home.”

“This is your home. Well, one of them.”

“I know. But Mom’s place is just… you know.”

Three months ago Sam’s father, David, had moved in with his new partner, Sylvie, and her two little girls. Sam spent half his time with his mom, who still lived in the old house. David’s new house didn’t feel like home to Sam yet. Today he was feeling a little unhappy. He’d had a bad day at school and one of the twins had broken his video game controller. Sam missed his mom.

“You’re more used to Mom’s house, aren’t you?” said David. “Yeah, I know. But you’ll get used to this place. And when summer comes we can go the playground just down the road and…”

“Dad, I just feel like sleeping in my old bed tonight.”
David sighed. He wasn’t sure what to do but he said, “OK, call your mom. If she says it’s OK you can sleep over at her house tonight.”

A few minutes later Sam walked into the room, fighting back tears. “Mom’s not home.” David took his boy in his arms. He didn’t say anything. He just knew he had to be there for his son.

Protection from Conflict and other Adult Problems

One reality of divorce and separation is that some ex-partners don’t get along. Sometimes there’s a lot of conflict. Try to protect children from ongoing conflict which can hurt them. That might mean avoiding conversations with your ex-spouse when the children are present and using letters or e-mail to communicate with her. It also means respecting your ex-partner’s privacy, sticking to schedules or agreements you make and sometimes, keeping your mouth shut when you’d really like to say something. Just remember, when you reduce conflicts, you are helping your kids.

Support their New Relationships

Stepchildren will need to get to know and learn to live with at least one new person – their stepmother or father. But think about it. They will also be developing relationships with new brothers and sisters, grandparents, aunts and uncles, even new pets. They need lots and lots of support with this. In the coming chapters we’ll talk about how you can help them grow into their new relationships.

Nina wasn’t sure how to reach out to her stepson, Carlo. “I just want to be friends with him,” she told Tony, Carlo’s dad. “But I’m never sure when to approach him.”

“Don’t worry about it,” said Tony. “You’re doing fine. He likes you.” Then he laughed.

“Hey, Look outside.” Carlo was shooting a ball into the hockey net all by himself.

“You’re a hockey player,”

Tony said. “Why don’t you go out there right now and see if he’d like you to take some shots on him?”

Nina grabbed the extra hockey stick and went out. Carlo was hesitant at first. He wasn’t sure about playing hockey with a woman, but he agreed to play. He was surprised at how good Nina was. It turned out to be the most fun they’d ever had together and hockey soon became one of their regular activities.

As Much Stability as They Can Get

Ideally, children’s lives should be as stable and predictable as possible. But let’s be honest. When two families are blended, things are going to feel abnormal and less stable for a while.  However, when the children are in your care try to keep to as normal a routine as possible. When life is reasonably predictable and familiar, from meal and bedtimes to going to school and playing with friends, children of all ages feel more secure and comfortable.

Republished with permission by The Canadian Father Involvement Initiative - Ontario Network (FIL-ON) from One Step at a Time, Chapter Five: You, Your Partner and the New Family.

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About the Author: John Hoffman is a National Magazine Award-winning writer and columnist for Today’s Parent magazine and Canada’s leading writer in the field of fatherhood. John has written over 50 articles for and about fathers. One Step at a Time is his sixth booklet on fatherhood and his fifth for FIL-ON. He lives in Peterborough, Ontario with his wife and three sons.

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