It is hard to imagine a greater upheaval for children than witnessing their parents separate or divorce. The toll of divorce is widely documented: children of divorce are more likely to display behavioural problems, social withdrawal, delinquent behaviour, and less consistent academic performance ⁽¹⁾.

However, children whose parents have divorced do not have universally negative outcomes. Many are not irretrievably harmed, and can be resilient in the face of major changes in their lives ⁽²⁾.

As divorce usually results in fathers and children living apart, there are unique issues that fathers may face in navigating post-divorce co-parenting arrangements. As a divorced dad, it helps to understand what your kids are going through, and how you can mitigate these stresses so that they do well in the long term despite this difficult transition.

Impact of Parental Separation on Children

While children respond differently to divorce and separation according to their age and personality, many will experience the following ⁽³⁾:

• Distress due to parental tension. While divorces typically follow years of inter-parental conflict, tension may peak during and shortly after divorce.  Often, it is conflict, rather than the divorce itself, that most harms children.
• Fear of change and abandonment. When parents are considering separation, children have a realistic fear that they are going to lose one parent and that nothing will be the same again. These fears are compounded by “diminished parenting” in the period immediately before divorce. Parents become preoccupied with their own difficulties, leaving them emotionally unavailable and unable to address their children’s needs.
• Anger, withdrawal, or divided loyalties. Some children may withdraw under stress, or direct their anger at parents. Teenage children, in particular, may display these behaviours, and even experiment with drugs or alcohol to dull their pain. Sometimes, in an acrimonious divorce, children align with one parent and reject the other.

Your Role as a Father

Many fathers feel that they are not treated fairly during divorce, especially when they wish to maintain their parenting relationship with their children. While there are undeniable constraints on parenting after divorce, remain an active parent and focus on your children’s needs as far as possible. Research and expert advice suggest that the following are especially helpful ⁽⁴⁾.

To buffer children against the stresses of inter-parental conflict:

• Don’t involve them. Be positive (or don't say anything) when you talk to the children about their mother. If you don't do this they will be torn between the two of you and things will be much harder for them.
• Don’t use the kids for emotional support. If there are bitter court disputes and you are very upset, try not to weigh the children down with your feelings.
• Treat their mother with respect. There is ample research to suggest that children do best when their divorcing parents treat each other respectfully and civilly. Even if you don’t live with your children, you can give them a feeling of safety and security:
• Remain warm and empathic towards them despite your own pain. Understand that as powerless bystanders to the process, children suffer the greatest loss.
• Talk to them about what they are feeling. Let them know it is normal for them to want their parents to get back together, and reassure them that both you and their mother will continue to be their parents.
• Remain emotionally and practically committed to them after divorce or separation. Give them your undivided time whenever you can.  Keep in touch with them through phone calls, emails, or text messages, when you are not physically with them.
• Keep to a routine. Children feel more secure when there is a routine. While it is perfectly fine to have different rules and ways of doing things at your house, stick to a schedule for access and visitation, be consistent with bedtimes, no matter at which home the children are, and be reliable about pick-ups and drop-offs.

Many divorced fathers who live apart from their children may feel that they get the short end of the stick when their children side with their mother, or don’t want to see them. Maintaining and reinforcing your relationship with your children is critical in such instances:

• Be tolerant if they become angry or quiet. These are normal reactions. Remember that sustained warmth and empathy towards your children can prevent the parent-child relationship from spiraling downwards.
• Be aware of your own stress and how it may be impacting your interaction with your children. Take steps to address any negative aspects of your relationship with them, by listening and talking to them.
• Understand that they may have divided loyalties. There are many reasons why children behave like this. They may resent you for leaving them. Or they may be worried about upsetting their mother. If your children express negative views of you that you believe are influenced by their mother, you can say that you don’t agree and have a different view, but don’t criticise her in their presence. Your children may be too young to understand now but when they look back when they are older, it will be important that you have not tried to put her down.
• Consider their preferences and choices. While consistent discipline and rules should remain, try to give children a say in things, such as when they want to see you and what they may like to do.
• Finally, give them time to adjust. If you have a new partner, see your children without her first, and give them time to get used to the new situation before introducing a third party.

References:

1. Schick, A. (2002). Behavioral and emotional differences between children of divorce and children from intact families: Clinical significance and mediating processes. Swiss Journal of Psychology, 61(1), 5 -14.

2. Kelly, J. B. (2003). Changing Perspectives on Children's Adjustment Following Divorce: A View from the United States. Childhood, 10, 237-254.

3. Strohschein, L. (2005). Parental Divorce and Child Mental Health Trajectories. Journal of Marriage and Family, 67(5), 1286-1300; Tschann, J. M, Johnston, J. R., Kline, M,  Wallerstein, J. S. (1989). Family Process and Children's Functioning during Divorce. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 51(2), 431; Amato, P. R, & Booth, A. (1996). A prospective study of divorce and parent-child relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 58(2), 356; Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (2006). Helping mothers and children survive divorce. MCYS. Amato, P. R, & Booth, A. (1996). A prospective study of divorce and parent-child relationships. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 58(2), 356; Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports (2006). Helping mothers and children survive divorce. MCYS.

4. Tschann, J. M, Johnston, J. R., Kline, M, Wallerstein, J. S. (1989). Family Process and Children's Functioning during Divorce. Journal of Marriage and the Family, 51(2), 431; Queensland Government (2009). Being a dad.