The “New Recruit”

Regardless of whether you are a first-time dad, or an experienced father, a brand new addition to the family is likely to have an impact on the way your time is spent, and how work life is managed.

Perhaps, previously, you liked to build rapport with co-workers by having dinner with them after work. With the arrival of the child however, this activity may have to be moved to another timeslot earlier in the day.

If you have enjoyed some “time out” playing computer games so far, you might now find yourself “zoning out”, that is, slumped over the keyboard instead, from being a sleep deprived, Diaper-duty Dad.

Tan Kok Choon, a secondary school teacher, and dad to two young children, Emma, two years, nine months and Brielle, 11 months, believes that a paradigm shift is necessary with fatherhood.

In practical terms, this means that Kok Choon tries to work in the most efficient manner during working hours at school. He makes it a point to leave his workplace by a certain time to go home to spend time with his daughters. This has been happening since Emma was a newborn baby.

Of course, it involves consciously setting aside time for them.

“This means that no work should be done during this time slot. I spend time with the family first and then jump back onto my work later – after the kids have gone to bed,” says Kok Choon.

Fundamentally, says Kok Choon, “Being a father is an identity and not merely just a role or function.”

Getting Gears Moving Smoothly at Home

Juggling family time and work responsibilities can be a challenge to one’s health, patience and mental strength. Yet, there are ways of managing work and home that can help to alleviate the stress and frustration.

It may seem strange, but principles that have been successfully applied at work to manage employees, tasks and schedules can also be useful in getting the gears running smoothly at home.

1. Get Feedback

Kids (and mums) generally dislike being squeezed into dad’s busy schedule. So, it is necessary to make unstructured time with family members a priority. A good way to ‘streamline’ is to seek advice from co-workers and family members. (5 Daily Steps, 2010)

Speak to those at work: Colleagues who perform similar responsibilities can offer suggestions on how they accomplish certain tasks more efficiently. Superiors and more experienced co-workers who have ‘been there, done that’ can also impart techniques on how work objectives can be met quickly yet responsibly.

In addition, co-workers who have already gone through the process of bringing up their own newborns can serve as an invaluable source of advice and counsel.

Speak to those at home: Family members can help you pick out ‘time-inefficient’ habits that may have gone unnoticed. It could come as a surprise, but family members can sometimes understand us better than we know ourselves – especially those who have watched you grow up, or grown up together with you.

2. Manage Change

So what adjustments need to be made? Perhaps the long hours spent at work need to be re-evaluated. This could mean shortening those lengthy coffee breaks and chit-chat sessions with fellow cubicle-mates. It might also involve delegating part of one’s workload or getting help from fellow co-workers – at least until things stabilise a little.

It may also be a good idea to explore other options with the boss, such as time-flexibility and telecommuting. Shaving hours off travelling time each week can make a big difference in allowing you to manage work and the transitions as a father, while providing more contact time with the newborn.

3. Outsource

Cleaning, washing, cooking and grocery shopping…

Unless you particularly enjoy taking on one or more of these tasks as a way to relax, it may be a good idea to get more hands on deck. Getting help from a family member or friend may be a solution.

In the Singapore context, many Chinese families opt for the services of a Confinement Lady who will help to look after the infant in the first month, cook for the new mother and take care of household chores.

For the longer term, and for those who can afford it, engaging a domestic helper can take a major load off parenting duties, allowing you the chance to get a good night’s sleep.

Hisham Musiran, an interior designer, typically pulls long hours in his line of work and arrives home late in the evening. His profession also requires him to make overseas trips every now and then. So when daughter Ilyssa Goh Hisham (now two years old) arrived, he had to make adjustments.

Fortunately, assistance came from his mother-in-law, who would shuttle between Jakarta and Singapore to help look after little Ilyssa. “My wife and I had the ‘night-shift’, taking turns to feed Ilyssa when she woke up at irregular intervals of two to three hours. My mum-in-law looked after her during the day,” says Hisham. In addition, Hisham hired a nanny to lighten the load.

Hisham also chose to forgo much of his social life, as he wanted to spend more time with Ilyssa, “To me, the first year of a child’s life is the most important and I didn’t want to miss the chance of watching her grow up.”

4. Tap on Technology

Mobile devices like phones and tablet personal computers coupled with the availability of low-cost mobile Internet provide a great way to communicate with bosses, colleagues and clients - even on the move.

If you are still in the habit of only checking e-mails at the desk, this may be a good time for a temporary change. If the two hours of daily travelling time spent on public transport could be used to clear the inbox, it could potentially mean an extra 10 hours or more family time each week.

The good old laptop computer too – which has shrunk in size and weight over the last decade or so – can serve as a means to finish a report or to churn out a last-minute proposal while waiting for a client.

5. Plan for Contingencies

It pays to be mentally prepared. Having a new baby increases the chances of the unexpected happening, For example, your child may fall ill and need to be rushed to the hospital or your wife comes down with a bout of flu, making you stand in to baby-sit for a few days.

Getting into the right state of mental preparedness can dampen the effects of stress when the unexpected happens – requiring a meeting to be moved to a later date, or postponing a call with a client.

Fathering is hard work. It is often stressful and successful - in the moment, over several days, or over years - requires adaptation. (Deater-Deckard, Kirby, 2004).

Maintaining a positive outlook could be what is necessary to get through the toughest moments. At the same time, many have found salvation by turning to family and friends for support and guidance.

If it is of any consolation, millions of working fathers have already managed to get through early fatherhood – and have emerged stronger, wiser and better prepared for the next phase of being a great dad. Besides, having Junior grow closer to Daddy everyday is an experience that all the money in the world just cannot buy.

References:

1. Fathers.com (2010). 5 Daily Steps to Balance Work & Family. (2010). Retrieved on 19 April 2011.

2. Deater-Deckard, Kirby (2004). Parenting Stress. New Haven (pp.2), CT, USA: Yale University Press. Retrieved on April 6, 2011.

About the Author: The Dads for Life Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.