New Dads: A Father's Engrossment is Nature’s Gift to the Child
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I couldn’t help noticing the young father's confident stride as he walked into the train with his babe wrapped round his chest in a carrier. The mother came alongside with the stroller and all the usual baby paraphernalia  in tow.

They sat down and chatted enthusiastically, unconscious that they were actually poised in a picture-perfect "ideal family" snapshot, if someone would care to take note.

Significantly, this is getting to be a common sight in the malls and trains. And more importantly, I observed what scientists have noted: that fathers of babies often display an aura of “engrossment”.

It is the man’s version of his paternal instinct. Like the maternal instinct, this engrossment is nature’s way of drawing the father into caring and nurturing his baby.

This is a very important fact that counters a prevailing myth that men are not nurturers. The truth is that men are often discouraged from following their natural instincts for fear of being ridiculed as un-masculine. As a result, we have cut ourselves off from our nurturing instincts.

I believe that as more and more fathers today give themselves permission to care and nurture their babies and children at home and in public, we will strengthen our families by giving our children the two parent-nurturers they need.

Engrossment

Engrossment describes the father's total absorption and preoccupation with the presence of a newborn in the early weeks of family life, especially in the first three days. (1)
A father’s engrossment may consist of:

1. Some visual awareness of the newborn as ‘attractive’ or ‘pretty’ etc’
2. A  tactile awareness manifested by a desire to touch and hold his child, which is described as pleasurable;
3. An awareness of the distinct features of the child;
4. A view that the newborn is ‘perfect’;
5. A strong attraction to and focusing of attention on the child;
6. An extreme sense of elation or a ‘high’ following a birth;
7. An enhanced sense of self-esteem upon first seeing his child.

During this period, it is important for a new father to spend time with his child so that the natural process of bonding will take place. New fathers often find a new level of feeling awakened in them as they get to know their newborns. (2)

It is also helpful for fathers to talk to other fathers. In doing so, fathers validate their growing sense of what "being a father" is all about.  Being in a father's group is one way to find affiliation with a group of men/fathers.

Reflection pointers for fathers to consider

Don’t curb your enthusiasm. Studies also show that if this engrossment is not expressed and engaged, it will die off and the father will find it much harder to connect and bond with his child.

It is therefore critical that couples make every effort to help fathers, especially first-timers, to actively engage in “engrossment” with their newborn babies. It makes bonding ties much easier and more natural.

Action pointers for fathers to connect

1. Relax and trust your instincts to care, to hold, to play and to connect with your children in a nurturing way by simply allowing your feelings of engrossment, which often expresses itself as enthusiasm, to surface.

2. Place a photo of your baby/children in your office table or shelf; share your baby/children stories with colleagues and friends. The important thing is to talk about your baby to others, especially men friends.

3. Ask your child to support a charity event by running with him/her. Run, jog or walk hand in hand with him/her, and encourage one other to finished the race.

References:

1. Slee, Phillip T (2002), Child, Adolescent and Family Development, Cambridge University Press, page 111-112 retrieved on 17 February 2010
2. Bruce Linton, Ph.D, Men and Fatherhood: Pregnancy and Birth, retrieved on 17 February 2010

About the Author: Philip Chang, is an Associate with the Centre for Fathering (CFF). CFF, founded in 2000, is a local charity working to "turn the hearts of children towards their fathers by inspiring fathers to be involved in their children's lives". Its programmes, which include the "Back to School with Dad" programme, the Eat with Your Family Day, Father-Child bonding camps and marriage and family workshops, serve to inspire, equip and support men in their roles as fathers.