Be Aware 
A Family’s Story
When Grandpa Tung’s first grandson, Leo, was born, he was extremely excited about the boy’s arrival and happily offered to care for Leo. He doted on him and frequently took him to play. However, when Leo’s baby sister, May, was born, Grandpa Tung was not keen to look after his new granddaughter.
May was looked after by her maternal grandparents instead. She saw very little of Grandpa Tung and Leo. Even when they were together, Grandpa Tung was easily delighted by Leo’s funny antics and curiosity; but disinterested in May, an introvert who often sat by herself to read or draw. May grew up not being close to Leo or Grandpa Tung.
What does It Mean to Love ‘Fairly’?
To love a grandchild ‘fairly’ is to love in a manner that is fair to the grandchild, bearing in mind his best interest and welfare. In the above scenario, Grandpa Tung would love ‘fairly’ if he is mindful of:
- a. respecting each grandchild’s right to receive grandparental love;
- b. paying him/her due attention;
- c. loving without bias, fear or favour;
- d. learning to appreciate each grandchild independent of his personal opinion of or relationship with his own child;
- e. loving without being enchained to emotional or other baggage from his own past; and
- f. providing him/her with equal opportunities.
A grandfather also loves ‘fairly’ by:
- a. endeavouring to nurture strong, deep ties and spending time with the grandchild; and
- b. guiding and helping him to reach his maximum life potential, by imparting wisdom gained from life experiences.
He achieves this better by:
- i. not being prejudiced by his relationship with his own child; and
- ii. not imposing his own generation’s views onto the third generation (e.g. society’s norms may have changed and what ‘worked’ before may no longer work as effectively for the grandchild in today’s society).
Ingredients of a Positive, Thriving Relationship
A granddad who recognises his grandchild’s individuality and personality makes him feel safe, prized and more confident with a strong sense of self-worth, thereby enhancing mutual trust and understanding between them.
American poet, author and illustrator, Shel Silverstein (1932 – 1999) once related a conversation between an old man and a young child as such:
Said the little boy, "Sometimes I drop my spoon." Said the old man, "I do that too." The little boy whispered, "I wet my pants." "I do that too," laughed the old man." Said the little boy, "I often cry." The old man nodded, "So do I." "But worst of all," said the boy, "it seems Grown-ups don't pay attention to me." And he felt the warmth of a wrinkled old hand. "I know what you mean," said the old man.
Underlying this heartwarming conversation is a demonstration of genuineness, acceptance and understanding between the old man and little boy -three ingredients which American psychotherapist Dr. Carl. R. Rogers (1902-1987) considered in his book On Becoming a Person as important for a thriving relationship to exist.
Both are honestly expressive and real about their feelings. They have a warm positive regard for and make each other feel safe and valued. The empathic understanding for each other’s feelings and the whole experience of this cross-generation relationship would, over time, give rise to positive change and personal development in them.
Dr. Rogers also advocated a ‘person-centred approach’. By adopting this, Grandpa Tung could learn to have ‘unconditional positive regard’ for May, rather than to only receive her conditionally, silently or openly disapproving certain aspects of this granddaughter of his. He may choose to delight instead in May’s docile nature and her quiet love for books and drawing, rather than focus only on his active, funny eldest grandson.
Imparting Values, Sharing Stories
A granddad is like a silver-haired life coach, tasked with the challenge of nurturing his charge to grow up to be a kind and good-natured person. His kinship and life experiences empower him to mould and exert a positive influence on the grandchild from young, teaching and imparting moral, family and other important life values.
By relating personal accounts of stories and sharing lessons learnt from his past, a granddad enriches the grandchild’s understanding of himself and his roots. With older grandchildren, a grandfather could help steer the direction of their future, guiding them through the turbulent teenage years, and helping them achieve their dreams.
American poet and novelist Robert Penn Warren (1905–1989) had this quote:
“Old Man: You get old and you can't do anybody any good any more.
Boy: You do me some good, Grandpa. You tell me things.”
The boy reveals an adoration and yearning for his granddad's companionship and guidance, having been blessed with many happy, memorable moments spent together, and having enjoyed his narration of countless tales.
Singapore Families
Mr Lee Soon Hock, retired civil servant, 63, has two young grandsons aged 3 and 5. Each weekend, the grandchildren travel from the north to the east to visit their grandparents.
Mr Lee shared, “My grandsons' weekly visit is a highlight and livens up our home. They enjoy visiting as we shower them with love, attention, time and sometimes toys! I take the opportunity to bond with them through activities such as reading, swimming, cycling, playing games, going to the park or market.”
Having observed that his grandsons have distinct temperament and characteristics, Mr Lee tries to connect with them accordingly, “One is more daring and active; the other, more docile with a longer attention span. Thus, sometimes, I have to think of different things to do to engage their varied interests.”
For grandparents who live far away or in different countries from their grandchildren, technological advancements (e.g. instant messaging, electronic mail, web videos) have made it easy to stay close in touch. Yet, no technological gadget can replace the intimacy and warmth of receiving a handwritten letter or postcard in the mail, or a personal phone call.
When a granddad spends time or maintains close contact with his grandchildren, he forges strong, long-lasting and deep bonds with them.
Make Each Grandchild & the Grandfathering Experience Count!
To love a grandchild fairly, is to appreciate and embrace each grandchild for who he is, with the aim of grooming his attributes and helping him to become a person with sound values and upright character -one who may contribute to society.
It is also about loving in a manner that is fair to the grandchild, bearing in mind what is good for him, and providing a healthy, nurturing and supportive familial environment for him to grow up.
Above all, it is about making each grandchild, and the grandfathering experience, count!
References
- Rogers, C. R. (1961). On Becoming a Person. A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Boston New York: Houghton Mifflin Company.
- Quotations on Fathering and Grandfathering, retrieved 9 September 2010
About the Author: The Dadsforlife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.
