Becoming a Single Dad

Whether you saw it coming or not, becoming a single parent always catches you by surprise. The truth is that there are some things that are beyond our control, like the passing of a spouse, or the breakdown of a marriage. Whatever happened has happened but as a single dad, you have to find your feet again – for your kids. None of the following steps are easy, but they can provide some perspectives to help you move forward.

Dad at Work

• Work Performance: Dealing with the pain of becoming a single dad is tough, and even though most employers will show some measure of compassion, returning to work can be extremely daunting. But guard your job, because you and your children need it.

If your performance is affected, work out something with your employer so that you have some time off to pull yourself together. Steady recovery is the objective, rather than putting on a brave front only to self-destruct later.

If you need some time alone, make sure your children know when you will be back, and that they can always reach you.

• Reassess Finances: Now that the household is running on a single-income, you will have to reassess your spending and inevitably forego some ideals. Reject comparisons about what you should be giving your kids. Renting a DVD for a movie night is a cheaper alternative to bringing three kids to the cinema.

Don’t be ashamed of taking cost-cutting measures like downgrading your car or collecting coupons for supermarket offers. The most important thing is to stay out of debt and maintain the right perspective on all this - relationships should be valued over things.

Dad at Home

Being a great dad is challenging enough when you’re part of a two-person team. But a single dad has to lead, provide, discipline, as well as nurture and encourage. In short, he has to be both Mum and Dad. He has to strike a balance between using his natural strengths and cultivating skills that don’t come so naturally. 

• Leading vs Controlling

While a male may not take the lead in other group settings, a man will want to lead his family. Children likewise need their Dad to set the standard for the way they should live and the kind of family they belong to. Being a leader first requires listening and observing the situation, then making a decision that is the best for everyone.

Control issues arise when you only look out for yourself, and fail to consider the whole family. The good news is if your kids know that you have their interests at heart, it’s more likely that they’ll stick by their Dad even through his failures.

• Toughness vs Tenderness

Along with a man’s inclination to fix problems and be strong in the face of adversity, Dad has the ability to champion his kids when they need the motivation. But there are times when kids need some tender loving care.

When your kid comes home from school with a sprained arm, it may not be best to turn it into a character-building lesson. Sometimes all they need is a pair of loving arms and someone to tell them they’re going to be okay.

• Discipline vs Nurture

Men are generally more comfortable setting boundaries and enforcing rules. And kids need clear boundaries to develop a sense of security. They may even test the boundaries with you, especially since you are the remaining parent.

But your kids will ultimately benefit from you reinforcing some reasonable boundaries and standing by them. Don’t focus on all the issues at once. As they say, pick your battles wisely. Zoom in on the big issues, like lying or stealing, and carry out the appropriate punishment.

Above all, remember that discipline has to be done in love, not in anger or rage. Even if it doesn’t come naturally to you, learn to give your children hugs and show affection, after you discipline them.

• Direction vs Detail

Most men tend to focus on setting long-term goals and not think about the finer details. Likewise in the home, women are usually more involved in the day-to-day decisions like groceries and the kids’ daily needs. However, being a single dad means keeping both perspectives in mind. You need to provide for the household by keeping your job, but you also need to notice if the toilet paper is running out.

• The Big Picture

Navigating single-fatherhood is a tough balance. You have to face the hard facts daily, yet you also have to find a way to shift your focus from the pain to something that will help you move forward. It’s probably the toughest journey you can embark on in life.

But know that if you keep loving your children, even through the failures, each small success will accumulate and something beautiful will eventually emerge.