Be Aware 
A Two Year Old’s World
The year between age two and three is an exciting and challenging one. Many dads have realised or will soon realise that two-year-olds want what they want, when they want it!
Along with toddlers’ realisation that they are separate individuals from parents, comes a wish to assert themselves. At the same time, two-year-olds still have a hard time with waiting and self-control. Hence, this makes boundary and limiting setting all the more challenging.
As a dad, you may have experienced a scenario similar to what Song Yeow, 37, dad to Ryan, 4 and Stacey, 2, describes, “They’re more aware, interactive and able to express themselves. It’s less of a guessing game, although their demands can be funny or ridiculous at times...Stacey insists on wearing only pink slippers when she is otherwise all dolled up for church!”
Erik Erikson (LeFrancois,1993) states that the second stage of psychosocial development is “Autonomy versus shame”. From approximately ages 18 months to three years, the key developmental tasks of toddlers are to develop a sense of control and mastery over their actions.
The Terrific Twos
Toddlers learn that they are autonomous beings, can realise their own intentions and are authors of their own actions. Therefore, they attempt to overcome their dependence on parents.
Around age two, toddlers’ fine motor skills evolve. They are able to coordinate their fingers and hands better and can scribble and even draw shapes. They begin to try feeding themselves. Their gross motor skills also improve, and they can start to kick and throw balls and climb and descend steps more confidently.
Socially, two-year-olds start learning how to play and interact more with their peers. They may begin playing vicariously (side-by-side) and need guidance on how to play cooperatively through sharing and taking turns. Two-year-olds’ communication skills progress as they learn to speak more words and start to form simple sentences.
The Terrible Twos
Ivan Lim, Counsellor at the Ministry of Community Development, Youth & Sports, says, “Two-year-olds have an egocentric view of the world. For them, everything is about themselves. Even though they may begin experimenting with words, children at that age do not have the capacity to make logical reasoning.”
This can be daunting for many parents especially when their two-year-olds are demanding. In such situations, the child often also seems 'unreasonable' despite his parents' numerous attempts at trying to explain why their demands cannot be met. Hence, the term ‘terrible twos.’
Ivan explains that this can go on, in various degrees, till the child is six. Therefore the key to managing such behaviour is to acknowledge what the child desires, be firm, and keep instructions very short and concrete. Give only one idea at a time.
Ivan adds that two-year-olds can learn the consequences of their actions but it is important that fathers avoid situations when they may be shamed (i.e. Erikson’s autonomy versus shame). Even if you cannot meet a child’s desires, simply acknowledging those desires and providing comfort by giving a hug or kiss, will give the toddler concrete re-assurance that he is still very much loved
The Joys and Tribulations
Remember that your little toddler is still learning to express himself and may get frustrated when he is unable to or when he feels that adults do not understand him. He needs you to listen patiently and to help him put into words what he is trying to say.
These milestones also mean that your two-year-old has new abilities to assert her independence and demands for example by saying “No!” or “I don’t want” or “Me do it!” and challenging your authority as a dad.
He may insist on doing things her way for example brushing his teeth or feeding or not wanting to nap and may throw a tantrum or have a crying fit if you try to impose your will on him.
Raymond shares that Benedict would sometimes get upset when it was time to end an activity like playtime. Hence, he had to step in to set limits. For example, he would say firmly and slowly, “Ben, you can play for a little while more. When Daddy says it is time to go, we have to stop.”
If Benedict created a ruckus and refused to leave the playground, Raymond and his wife would be firm, turn their backs and start walking off. Benedict would then quickly follow behind without fail.
Raymond says that even if Benedict was howling or crying, they never gave in. “You have got to be firm and stick to your guns. Over time, Benedict obediently stopped playing and got ready to go whenever we prepared him that time was almost up,” observed Raymond
Tips on How to Set & Enforce Boundaries
So what can you as a dad of a thriving two-year-old do to set and enforce boundaries? Here are some simple and note-worthy tips:
- Have routines: Set times for key activities like meals and bed times. Go through the same schedule every day. This helps prevent tantrums and defiance as your toddler knows what to expect. Routines build consistency into family life. This means World War Three doesn’t have to break out at every naptime!
- Be consistent: Imagine a game when the rules keep changing or when you don’t know the rules clearly or when rules are unrealistic. It would be really hard for you to be compliant or follow the rules, wouldn’t it? Likewise, the same applies to your toddler. Discuss with your spouse beforehand about rules to set and discuss a common approach to enforce them.
- Decide what is unacceptable and what you can be more relaxed about. Have one set of house rules and get all caregivers to be consistent in enforcing them. If the goal posts keep shifting and you keep bending the rules, your toddler will not take you seriously and will see it as a golden opportunity to do exactly what he wants.
- State rules clearly, firmly and simply: Remember that your toddler has limited language and understanding. When enforcing rules keep it simple and at their level. Crouch on your heels to maintain eye contact, and say in a low, firm voice that signals authority, “Hitting is not allowed. You don’t hit other people. I don’t want you to do it again please.” If your toddler avoids eye contact, tell him using the voice of authority, “Look at me please”.
- Focus on the big stuff: At age two, focus on the important matters. This is to be decided together by you and your spouse. If you have too many rules, you’ll spend more time policing than parenting. Your toddler will also be overwhelmed. Settle on a few clear rules.
- Be creative: To help children learn patience and to wait, play turn-taking games like passing the ball. Use a timer that goes off if you’re teaching your toddler to wait 10 minutes until you have folded the clothes and can play with her. These are concrete ways to help her understand how long she has to wait and it helps her feel more in control and able to cope better.
Remember, your child will only go through toddlerhood once. Keep the big picture in mind and accept the challenges as part of your toddlers’ growing up process and your own, as a dad!
Song Yeow, 37, dad to Ryan, 4 and Stacey, 2, noticed that his kids would often test boundaries by deliberately disobeying instructions to see if what has been warned would take place. For example if he tells Stacey not to play with the mobile phone, she’ll sometimes reach for it and watch his reaction, just to see how he would respond.
Understanding such behaviour in toddlers, allows Song Yeow and his wife to know how to set boundaries, even when it gets a little tough at times.
“We enforce rules by denying privileges and carrying out consequences. For example if Ryan refuses to hold our hands or the stroller when walking, and runs off, we’ll strap him into the stroller although this usually ends up with him wailing in public,” said Song Yeow.
Song Yeow adds, “My wife sets a rule that the kids don’t get fruits if they don’t finish dinner in 30 minutes. When my kids cry sadly and plead with me for the fruits, I just have to stick to my wife’s rules as if they are mine. My children should not perceive a difference in standards between us.”
References:
1. LeFrancois, G. (1993). The Lifespan. USA: Wadsworth.
2. Frost, J. (2005). Supernanny. How to get the best from your children. London: Hodder & Stoughton.
3. Zero To Three: National Center for Infants, Toddlers and Families. Washington, USA (retrieved 20 April 2010)
About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.
