“I Want Mummy!”

Found yourself facing a similar situation recently?

Your daughter, the apple of your eye, keeps asking for Mum to feed her and refuses to eat no matter how you coax her.

And you wonder why, because when your little princess was a baby, she didn’t really fuss or protest when provided any other form of physical care. Now that she’s a toddler, she seems such a diva.

Or, your two-year old son is crying his lungs out just because Mum needs to go out, either to meet friends or simply get a haircut, on a Friday evening. After a whole week of caring for him, you know she needs a break.

You send her off at the door, but your child is clinging on to the gate for his dear life, screaming, “I want Mummy!” He even pushes you away when you try to comfort him.

Such scenarios are common in many homes with toddlers. Nonetheless, they are challenging each time it happens. Mums struggle with tiredness, the routine of caregiving, and false guilt when they leave their child in the care of another, even if the caregiver is the child’s father.

And, Dads think of ways and means pacify or distract the child. Sometimes, they succeed. Other times, they get kicked, punched or even ego-bruised in the process.

Truth is, it doesn’t always have to be so heart wrenching.

Why He Wants Mummy

It may help if you know why toddlers have such behaviour.

According to Psychologist John Bowlby (1969), it is natural and necessary for a child to bond with his primary caregiver in the first two years of the child’s life. Of course the primary caregiver can be the father, a grandparent or a domestic helper.

But usually, it is the mother who takes on this role. As such, an infant develops a strong attachment to the mother -his main source of comfort, food and safety. ⁽¹⁾

That explains why your toddler may be looking more to his mother for his needs, even when other adults are able to attend to him at that point of time. Many mums will testify to how ‘sticky’ or clingy their toddlers are. This may mean your child often insists, “I want Mummy to…”

Ms Vivienne Ng, Deputy Director (Clinical and Forensic Psychology Branch), Rehabilitation Protection and Residential Services Division at the Ministry of Community Development, Youth and Sports assured that this is a normal part of child development.

“Remember, it is wonderful that your child is able to bond with his primary caregiver,” she said.

Ms Ng explained: “Children, who are deprived of this main attachment through long absences of their primary caregiver or multiple changes in caregivers, are not likely to bond easily with others later on in life.”

Therefore, it is good that your child has a strong bond with his mother. As he grows increasingly more secure, he will be able to engage with others more readily.

“Don’t worry. Your child will eventually look beyond his primary caregiver to other members in the household.  Also, a slightly older child will look to his father for things different from his mother. This may include rough-housing or solving problems,” Ms Ng said.

How to Engage Your Child

In the meantime, do not reject your child or leave the scene because he pushes you away. Continue to spend time with your child along with your wife, if that is what the child prefers. By observing your wife, you’ll learn how to better soothe, comfort or distract the child.

Ms Ng said: “Your wife can include you in the activities, so that you can also see how they interact. In the process, you’ll become more attuned with your child’s personality, preferences and needs.”

As toddlerhood is a crucial window for fathers to bond with their children, you should strive to be patient, calm and controlled, even if the child throws a tantrum or insists on his mother’s attention.

To effectively engage and bond with your child, you need ideally daily or sufficiently regular interaction. Here are three ways:

1. Spend quality time with your child every day
2. Have fun together, engage in age-appropriate play
3. Share caregiving tasks with your wife

Even if your weekdays are rather hectic, try to do a little of each item mentioned above. And on the weekends, you can ‘make up’ for time you couldn’t put in on the weekdays.

Managing Separation Anxiety

Understanding the strong attachment between a toddler and the main caregiver  makes it easier for you to grasp why your child may experience anxiety if Mum is not physically with him. Though a toddler has a strong drive for independence, he still needs a lot of attention and care. Therefore he may have a fear of being abandoned when his primary caregiver is not with him.

This is known as Separation Anxiety. ⁽²⁾ Some toddlers hardly exhibit any separation anxiety, while others become consumed by it. But eventually, no matter what the intensity, your toddler will outgrow this phase. Separation anxiety tends to wax and wane throughout the toddler years, with 18 months to 2 1/2 years being the period of extreme neediness.

Here are five things you can do to help you toddler cope better with separation anxiety:

1. Prepare your child. Talk about the event ahead of time. Together with your wife, tell him where Mum is going and when she’ll be back.

2. Set up gradual transitions. Don’t try to take care of your toddler for a few hours at one go, if you haven’t even been with him alone for more than a hour. Gradually increase the time your wife is away.

3. Ensure your wife says “bye-bye” before she leaves the house. Do not sneak out. It can make your child’s separation anxiety more severe.

4. Have a reminder of Mum around. When she goes out, have a memento such as a photograph or a video recording of your wife, close at hand. Also known as transitional objects, these symbolise a tie to Mum, and can be a source of solace for your child. ⁽³⁾ Other common transitional objects include blanket and teddy bears.

5. Involve him in an activity. Before your wife goes out, get your child engrossed in an activity. Your child may still cry when she leaves, but the activity can serve as a distraction soon after her departure.

Building Close Bonds

Steven Toh, 38, shared about how he stayed cool even when his son, Matthew -who just turned three- would be upset when Mum had to leave the house. After saying goodbye, Steven would help divert Matthew’s attention by bringing him to the playground.

His wife, Hwee Kiah, said that she very much appreciated the support Steven gave her, “It’s very helpful, especially as a Stay-at-Home-Mum, to be able to go out to meet my friends.”

Steven identified that a vital ingredient in managing toddler meltdowns is to build and maintain a close bond with the child. “I’ve been carrying, bathing and changing Matthew since he was a baby, therefore he feels comfortable and safe with me,” he said.

As long as dads persevere to bond and care for their toddlers, they will find creative ways to circumnavigate the cry of “I want Mummy!”

References:

1. Sigelman, Carol K., Rider, Elizabeth, A. (2006) Life-Span Human Development (5th Edition), Thomson Wadsworth, p 386, retrieved 5 July 2010 on Google Books

2. Margolis, Dawn, Separation Anxiety, retrieved 5 July 2010

2. Levine, Joni, M.Ed. (2005), The Everything Parent's Guide to Tantrums, F+W Publications, USA, p280