Teens Adapting to a Blended Family

Blended families are created when two pre-existing families come together to form a new entity. This takes place when a single parent marries, or in re-marriage after a divorce or the death of a parent. There will therefore be different permutations in terms of living arrangements for blended families. Some may be living under one roof most of the time whilst others will only do so on weekends or during the holidays.

No matter how the blended family was formed or what the living arrangements are, teenagers do need their dads or stepdads to come alongside them to help them come to terms with the changes. According to Alice Hines, who reviewed more than 125 studies pertaining to adolescents and divorce, teens have a harder time coping with changes in family structure as compared to younger children.

As noted by Erik Erikson, a developmental psychologist, adolescence is a stage marking the struggle between identity and role confusion. Therefore, adapting to a blended family presents an additional burden for teenagers who are trying to define themselves are individuals separate from the family, and exploring their roles in the world.

The Psychosocial Effects of Losing an “Intact” Family

Teenagers who lose an “intact” family face profound psychological and social changes and may be at an increased risk for emotional difficulties and disruptive behaviour. These can take the forms of:

• Academic problems, such as poor grades
• Trouble sleeping
• Stress, worry
• Sadness or anger at one or both parents
• "Acting out" behaviours
• Smoking or drug use
• Depression
• Thoughts or attempts at suicide
• Have trouble with school teachers or with the police

New Living Conditions

Teenagers in newly formed blended family situations might find themselves in living conditions requiring parental sensitivity. Some of these are as follows:

1. Travelling between two homes
Constantly changing living environments can be a painful reminder that the family is no longer together, leaving teens struggling to adapt to the reality of being with only one parent at a time.

2. Sharing bedrooms and private space with new stepsiblings
For some teenagers, the lack of private space becomes an issue to deal with when they are suddenly asked to share their belongings and rooms with new stepsiblings.

3. Change of birth-order
When two families are blended together, the order of the children's position in the family changes. This can affect a child's personality and make him or her feel displaced. Here are some of the challenges.

• First Borns: For some first-borns, handing over a leadership position to an older stepsibling might not be easy and may lead to a power struggle, either physical or verbal.
• Middle Children: Middle children in intact families, often have to learn the skills of compromising and mediating, In the context of a blended family, they find themselves being even more left out and struggling even harder to find their place and unique sense of identity in the shuffle.
• Last Borns: These children are used to be the special “pet” of the family and may find themselves upstaged by younger stepsiblings. This may lead to jealously and resentment.
• Only Children: These children must now face the journey of having to learn to share with other stepbrothers and stepsisters who already have experience negotiating, competing, and forming alliances amongst themselves.

What Dads Can Do To Ease the Transition to a New Blended Family

1. Become an informed parent

For starters, dads should be aware of the possible psychological and social effects on teenagers brought about by divorce, the death of a parent, and re-marriage. Teenagers are likely to bottle up their feelings about the changes in their family structure, which then translates into “acting-out behaviour”. Dads who take early preventative measures, will have an easier time staying on top of things when warning signs of trouble emerge.

2. Send a clear message that the breakdown of the family is not the teenager’s fault

Teenagers commonly blame themselves for the death of a parent or their parents' divorce, and need constant reassurance that their parents’ health or marital problems are not their responsibility. Dads and stepdads must therefore communicate clearly to teenagers that it is not their fault that a parent died or that the parents' marriage broke down.

3. Give each child private space

If possible, stepfamilies should try to arrange for teenagers to have their own rooms rather than make them share a room with new stepsiblings. As mentioned, adolescents are in a phase where they are trying to carve out their unique identities, which can be challenged by the presence of new family members and lead to conflicts.

However, in a city like Singapore where space costs a lot of money, private rooms might not be financially feasible. In these instances, the next best option would be to help each teenager find some personal space within the room. This can be done by the way the room is structured and furniture positioned. For example, having a curtain or screen to divide the respective "territories".

Whether it is about physical or psychological space, teach children to be respectful of one another's boundaries.

4. Keep old routines

Maintaining comforting rituals helps teenagers keep some semblance of stability in their lives. Even if the children visit the parent who is living apart from them infrequently, such as during school holidays or on special occasions like Chinese New Year, Deepavali, Hari Raya, Christmas, the parent hosting the visit should try to keep that residence “homey” and filled with some familiar possessions.

If a teenager is constantly travelling between two homes, daily and weekly routines can be helpful in reducing their stress. If possible, he or she should be allowed to remain in the same school and keep the same co-curricular and enrichment activities.

5. Maintain strong emotional ties with your teenager

A strong father-teenager relationship can lower the incidence of antisocial, high-risk behaviour. In fact, displaying extra empathy and support can help teenagers become more responsible, resilient and adept at coping with disruption and emotional trauma. Dads and stepdads must try to be available and responsive to their teenagers, and carve out time for them.

Even extremely busy dads, who juggle a heavy workload, should try to schedule some one-on-one time with their teenagers at least once a month.

6. Keep old social networks
Long-term studies have shown that positive post-divorce family relationships are the most important factor in helping teenagers cope with difficult transitions. Therefore, make it a point to encourage the relationships teenagers have in their life. Dads and stepdads must be conscious that even if relationships with the ex-wife's family are no longer amiable, the teenager is his own person and has relationships that need to be nurtured.

7. Be patient and realistic with your teenager

Do not expect things to be perfect overnight because teenagers take a lot of time to adjust to new situations. Dr. Susan S. Bartell, author of Stepliving for Teens: Getting Along with Step-Parents, Parents, and Siblings, describes the first year of re-marriage as the most difficult period.  Men in a re-marriage are likely to be anxious for their teenage children to like their new spouse, but they should not go overboard in trying to force intimacy, since this usually backfires.

Teens are at a stage where they dislike their parents imposing their views on them, and it might lead to huge fights if dads do not give them space to develop relationships gradually and at their own pace. Even though this process may take months, have faith that the end result will be greater acceptance, less conflict and a more peaceful home environment.

8. Maintain a unified front with your ex-wife

It would be wise to not bad mouth the ex-wife in front of the teenagers. Keep negative issues and communication contained between the adults. Dads who grill their teenagers about their ex-wife’s new love interest, or get them to spy on the ex-wife, are mercilessly putting their teenagers in a difficult position.

In contrast, men must make important decisions together with the ex-wife to promote their teenagers' welfare. For example, they may want to make sure that their teenagers do not feel abandoned or neglected by either parent.

9. Be the best possible role-model

Finally, dads and stepdads must model resilience to their children. Teenagers, consciously or otherwise, learn from and emulate their dads and stepdads. Therefore, men who are able to make peace with the past, and move on to build a new and happier home, are showing their teenagers how to be resilient and to bounce back from life’s challenges.

Sometimes, individuals and families may require professional help to move on in life after going through challenging circumstances such as single parenthood, divorce or widowhood. These are all common situations that members of blended families face. As such, dads and stepdads should be confident that there is no shame in seeking help from a counsellor or family therapist. In fact, those who do, display courage by committing to do what is needed to strengthen the father-teenager and build up the new blended family.

References:

1. Cregoire, Christine (2009). Blended Families and Sibling Relationships New Challenges, Changes in Birth Order, and Ways to Cope. Retrieved 25 March 2011.

2. Hines, Alice (1997), Divorce-Related Transitions, Adolescent Development, and the Role of the Parent-Child Relationship: A Review of the Literature, Journal of Marriage and Family

3. Patten, Peggy (1999), Divorce and Children Part I: An Interview with Robert Hughes, Jr., PhD. ParentNews

4. Visher, Emily B. (1991),  How to Win as a Stepfamily. Florence, Kentucky: Routledge.

About the Author: The Dads for Life Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.