Be Aware 
What You Need to Know About Your Teenage Daughter
Maturing is a process that takes place over a period of years. It is not a matter of being a little girl one day and a grown woman the next.
Besides different start times for menstruation e.g. as early as at nine years old to later at sixteen, the process of maturing into womanhood is different for every girl. (1) The girl who matures early finds more expected of her than that of a similar aged friend who looks like a little girl.
She may also find her friends out-of-sync with her more grown-up interests and activities. Conversely, the ‘little girl’ who matures later discovers that many of her friends are already seasoned players on the dating field just as she’s exploring the world of boys.
Whatever her speed to maturity, it is clear that she’s headed for a rough ride.
Studies by Carlson & McLanahan (2002), Parke (2002) and Way (1997) report that a caring, accessible and dependable father, who encourages a daughter’s trust and confidence in herself and the people around her can greatly help his growing daughter find a firm footing in society. (2)
How Dads Can Build Her Up
Many a father has watched his baby daughter blossom into a little girl. From giving her piggyback rides to teaching her to ride a bike, a father can help his daughter brave her new world by continuing to back her up during her teenage years.
For instance, a father can equip his daughters to excel in the more male-dominated arenas like athletics, IT and mathematics. He can also pass on life skills like changing tires, assembling a piece of furniture or replacing a broken fuse. (3)
In addition, a father can teach his daughter healthy rebellion by encouraging her to stand up for herself or even to fight back a school bully within appropriate boundaries.
Most importantly, a father can open his daughter’s eyes to see and realise the male point of view and the forces that act on men in today’s culture.
For example, a father can help his daughter view a friendship problem in an objective, problem-solving approach in addition to an emotional one and help her understand the fact that a teenage boy’s impression of her is strongly affected by the way she dresses.
What She’s Really Saying vs What She Really Wants.
While a dad may desire to support his daughter, he may encounter a broody and moody terror in the place of the sweet little angel he once knew. Understanding the real meaning behind her favourite catchphrases can help him chart this unfamiliar territory for a smoother sailing relationship with each other.
“Leave me alone!”
Dr Evelyn Duvall in Facts of Life and Love for Teenagers writes that since the teenage daughter may experience distress and discomfort during her menstrual period, she may demand to be left alone. (4)
Said Dr Duvall: “There may be a nagging little backache just before the period starts, often accompanied by a dragging, heavy feeling in the lower abdomen. Occasionally, there are pains that girls speak of as ‘cramps’”.
A wise father will not indignantly demand back that she participates in strenuous family activities at this time. Let her off the marathons and the twenty laps in the pool. Better yet, don’t suggest any water-based activities at all. Allow her space for rest, exercise, work and play on her own.
“Don’t leave me alone…”
A teenage daughter may appear unapproachable but she’ll still need a father’s attention and the best way to show this is to appeal to her best interests.
“Since my daughter loves books, I’ll suggest a trip to Borders, which puts her into a good mood instantly,” says owner of Herbalife’s Nutrition Station, Ooi Eng Hoe, 52, whose daughter, Yee Wei, turned twenty recently.
“She’ll chat happily about the latest books and I get updates about the recent happenings in her life.”
“You’re so old fashioned.”
Booze. Drugs. Sex. Today’s teenagers have mountains of challenges to scale in comparison to growing up in the 60s, 70s, 80s or even the 90s.
The lessons that today’s father try to share with their daughters may seem “old fashioned” especially when the teenager’s life today changes faster than the time one takes to finish a newspaper.
The good news is that teenagers would have absorbed the well-meaning lessons in life parents shared with them when they were growing up, says Dr. Michael Riera, author of Staying Connected to Your Teenager. (5)
Dr Reira writes: “By the time they are teenagers, they would have picked up the values that you have taught them earlier in life to know the right decision to make in just about any circumstance.”
Teenagers know the right from the wrong but they may not do the right thing for many reasons. They may want to try something out for the “first time” and avoid being a social outcast. Boredom could have been the cause. Ultimately, they are just not strong enough to say “No”.
In situations where teenagers are peer-pressured into something, an “old-fashioned Dad” can come to the rescue. Dr. Riera suggests giving your child a code phrase (e.g. slipping in the names of nonexistent relatives like “Uncle Johan”,) which would be a sign for you to say “No.”
Dr Reira says that as soon as your teenage daughter utters this code phrase while in conversation with you, your job is simple: to say no to whatever she is asking for. Then, no matter how much of a struggle she puts up with, hold your ground. Let her have the full range of her abilities to argue with you and to make a scene if necessary.
A teenage daughter may be as unpredictable as the weather but understanding the changes and challenges she is going through can support all dads and daughters in weathering the storm and fostering a tight-knit bond for life.
References:
1. Duvall, Evelyn M. (1956). Facts of Life and Love for Teenagers. New York: Association Press.
2. Carlson, M.J., & MacLanahan, S.S. (2002). Fragile families, father involvement and public policy in C.S. Tamis-Le Monda & N. Cabera (Eds.), The handbook of father involvement. Mahwah, NJ: Ehrlbaum;
Parke, R.D. (2002). Fathers and families. In M. Borstein (Ed.), Handbook of parenting (2nd ed., Vol. 3). Mahwah, NJ: Ehrlbaum.
Way, N. (1997, April). Father-daughter relationships in urban families. Paper presented at the meeting of the Society for Research in Child Development, Washington D.C.
3. Pipher, Mary D. (1995). Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. New York: Ballantine Books
4. Duvall, Evelyn M. (1956). Facts of Life and Love for Teenagers. New York: Association Press.
5. Riera, Michael (2003). Staying Connected to Your Teenager: How to Keep Them Talking to You and How to Hear What They're Really Saying. Cambridge, MA: Da Capo Press.
About the Author: The DadsforLife Resource Team comprises local content writers and experts, including psychologists, counsellors, educators and social service professionals, dedicated to developing useful resources for dads.
Hear the story of a father and his teenage daughter
1. Briefly describe your relationship with your daughter at the ages of 7, 12 and 16.
At 7, Michelle was very adorable and friendly with everyone. My wife and I would have to constantly keep an eye on her so that she didn’t go missing. In fact, I did almost everything for her such as feeding, bathing, and changing her. And we loved to spend time playing and going out. I loved her very much, but she also knew that when I raised my voice that meant I was angry and she would hide away.
At 12, Michelle was still playful and carefree. She always knew that she had the protection of her parents and above all that she knew that God loves her. She loved to cling on to me whenever we are out and stayed beside me all the time. She also knew that I don’t like it when children are disobedient and disrespectful to elders. She also began to be loving and caring; when I was down, she tried to make me cheerful.
At 16, Michelle has now grown up and has become a matured young lady. She loves God, her parents, brother and grandparents a lot. She is more loving and caring towards those who need encouragement. Till today, she still clings on me whenever we are out shopping. When she really wants to get something, it is always through me because I rarely deny her. When I need suggestions or ideas, I can also rely on her.
2. As a father, how do you feel you can help your daughter as she grows up?
I want her to know that I am always there for her whenever she needs me. Whatever may the situation can be, I will always be by her side. She must also learn to accept failure and move on. My guidance and advice will always be there for her.
3. What are your happiest memories with your daughter?
My happiest moments are when Michelle comes only looking for me when she is down, and also when we are out shopping she clings on to me, something she’s been doing since she was a baby.
4. Any additional comments on fathering a teenage daughter?
Love your daughter as much as you want, but don’t forget to discipline her. Though you love her, she must know that daddy can also forbid her from doing something.
