I am my father’s son

I’m 18 years old now. I spent the last 23 months of my life in a juvenile rehabilitation facility after I was ordered by the Court to reside there. It’s been long and tough but I finally pulled through it. Let me give you a rough summary about my father. He is 51 this year, loves to play pool, is good at playing squash and is a very, very understanding father. This story which I am going to tell you is an account of my growing up years from age 10 until now.

It was in 2003, when I was 10, when I learnt how to treasure a father’s love. From young, my father always told me that he loved me more than my younger brother. At that time, I thought he was just saying it for the sake of making me more special to him but I now know the reason. All of you reading this might be wondering what the reason is but I can’t tell because it is confidential.

The Divorce

Then, something very bad happened. My parents divorced. They quarrelled and quarrelled for almost a year until they decided to put an end to it by divorcing. In court, both my brother and I were under my mother’s custody.

I still remember that night clearly, when my father moved out from the house to his friend’s apartment. My father agreed for both my brother and I to tag along. While we were in the car on the way there, I had not much feeling towards my father until we reached the car park. When my mother parked the car, it was time for my father to “leave”. And just when I saw my brother who was 7 back then, sobbing softly, I was touched and cried along with my brother. Anyway, it was a very sad and hurting experience for me as a 10 year old chap.

From then on I could only see my father every weekend. I spent time with him by going to Changi Beach to swim and build sandcastles. Till now, the memory still lingers at the back of my mind. I was very young back then and couldn’t understand what was going on.

Dad’s Incarceration

All seemed okay until 2007. Something very sadful, hurtful and shameful happened. My mum had a call from the police that my father was caught for transferring contraband cigarettes into Singapore from Malaysia. When I heard the news, I automatically broke down into tears. No one can understand how I felt at that moment in time. Also, the police told my mother that my father would be brought to court the following week.

For a few days after the news, I did not eat properly or talk much. Week after week, month after month, my mother told me that he was sentenced to 5 years imprisonment. You can imagine how I felt at that point of time. I was only 14 years old when all of this happened. I was at the highest point of depression. No one knew how I felt if he or she experienced the exact same situation.

So as time passed, after around 6 months or so, I was allowed to visit my father. When I visited him for the first time, I almost cried but I held it back to show how strong I was at 14 years old. I talked and advised him to do good deeds and not get into any trouble. I’m pretty sure he did heed my advice.

The Son Drifts Wayward

Many things happened to me while he was in prison. Many horrible things. I got into a lot of trouble especially with the law. And the law caught up with me in April 2009 and I was sentenced to 2 years in the Singapore Boys’ Home (SBH). I guess you all can say that it was my family love without a father’s love which led me to the SBH. In SBH, I did not create trouble as I knew that if I created any trouble, I would be in deep trouble myself. So, in SBH, I learnt how to control myself (self-control). Since I stepped into SBH, I’ve learnt a lot of patience.

All things were going well when I absconded from SBH in March 2010 and was caught a few days later. I was also concurrently charged with theft. I was brought to court in August 2010.

The Re-Union

As time passed, my father was finally discharged from prison in November 2010. So, when he was discharged, I was not sentenced yet. I was in remand. When the staff called my name to enter the visiting room, I looked up and saw my father—for the first time in 4 long years. I was overwhelmed! I walked to him quickly and hugged my father like I never did before! I hugged him very tightly and when tears were about to fall, I held back. I talked to him about a lot of things. We talked about everything and anything under the sun during those 30 minutes. I did not really eat that day. I was just happy seeing my father after a long period of time.

He knew that I had a case going and told me that he was going to write a personal appeal letter to the judge. I was so touched and true enough he did write the letter and passed it to my lawyer. I felt a light of happiness after knowing my father tried his best to help me in any way he could.

My father still visited me fortnightly until my sentencing date which was in December 2010. Thanks to God, my mother and my father, I got away with just a fine.

After that day, I was very relieved and couldn’t wait to spend time with my father. I thanked my father and my mother for giving me their support.

Re-building: Father-Son Bonding Experience

A few months after that, I attended a father-child camp organised by the Centre for Fathering. I did a lot of different and interesting activities. I bonded much closer with my father. We had a lot of interaction and learnt a lot of things we did not know of. The programme was very good and exciting. At the end, we had a barbeque pit and had dinner with our beloved fathers. So as night fell, we sat down together and talked about the past. He promised me not to do anymore silly things in the future so did I. We talked and talked till the end of the programme. A lot of things had changed since we went for the programme. A lot, trust me.

This is my story. I hope all of you reading this will benefit for the better. I love my father a lot and although he made many mistakes in the past, I forgive him. Everyone should be given a second chance. I believe in that.

About the Author: This article is reproduced with permission. From: Chapter 10 of Working with Fathers: Engagement and Intervention that Works.